Let’s talk about consent as it is a topic that is often asked about in my free Facebook sex education group for parents, that parent group.
Now, before I get started… consent is a topic for all kids. From babies to teens.
It’s a conversation that you can start talking about when kids are young. This means that by the time they hit their teens, they will have a good understanding of the boundaries for their own bodies and how to respect them in other people.
The main thing to remember is that consent is a topic that you need to keep talking about. The more you talk about it, the more your child will understand and remember what you tell them.
If you want to learn more about sex education, you’ll find everything you need to know in my Sex Education 101 page.
How do I get started with teaching children consent?
First of all, what is consent? Simply, it is the act of giving permission.
For younger kids, from the age of 2-3, we are talking about general consent about bodies. ‘Do you want to kiss Grandma‘ when she comes to visit instead of forcing them to kiss Grandma. Is it okay to hug your friends without their permission? It is about learning that ‘no means no‘, in regards to themselves and other people. We don’t talk about sexual consent until it they are older, as it isn’t relevant to them at this age.
The cup of tea consent video provides a simplified description of what consent means for young children. For young kids, it is about learning how to keep their bodies safe now, waaaay before they even start thinking about being sexually active. It is all about learning the concepts of consent.
If we are talking about teenagers, we are talking about sexual consent. Sexual consent is not just a simple yes or no. Consent can be given and then removed. Partial consent may be given for one thing but not another. Is consent valid if it is given whilst under the influence of drugs or alcohol? Consent may have been given last week but not today.
The original cup of tea video provides a simplified description of sexual consent for teenagers. This video has been doing the social media rounds for a long time and uses the analogy of a cup of tea.
Amaze also has a playlist of their Consent videos on Youtube.
Why do I need to be talking to kids about consent?
So, why do you need to be teaching consent to kids? Simply, because we want to keep them safe.
We want our children to grow up knowing that they are the boss of their own body. That they have the right to say what does and doesn’t happen to their body. And to respect that in others too.
This is something they will use in the playground, in the schoolyard, in the workforce, and in everyday life.
Why do I need to be teaching consent to kids so early?
Teaching consent to children is not one conversation. It is a lifelong discussion of many conversations that starts when your child is a toddler and it continues throughout their childhood, past their tweens and into their teens.
The more you are talking about consent with children, the better their understanding and ability to apply what they’ve learnt to real life.
Sometimes children take a while to learn new things. This is just a part of healthy child development as their body grows and their brain develops. Karen Young from Hey Sigmund, is my favourite person for learning about the brain from. This is a good read if you want to learn more about how the brain develops, why kids keep forgetting things – ‘Dear Kids, Love From Your Brain.’ What All Kids Need to Know About the Brain. It nicely explains why we need to keep repeating our conversations.
So the sooner you start teaching your child the foundations of what consent is, the sooner they will understand and remember the message. And by the time they reach their adolescence, they will have a really good understanding of what consent is as they begin to navigate it sexually!
So the sooner that you start talking, the sooner your child will be able to apply what they know!
Teaching consent to children (before puberty)
So, what do you need to be talking about, when it comes to teaching consent to your children? For babies, toddlers, preschoolers and school-aged children.
With younger children, it can be many different things that you can incorporate into your everyday parenting. And all of these messages will need to be repeated many times before they sink in. But when they do finally sink in, your child will remember them.
Consent activities to do with babies, toddlers, preschoolers, elementary and primary school students
Teaching them to ask for permission. Teach your child to ask before they hug someone, to ask before they take someone’s toy, to ask before they climb into the sandpit with them. And make sure you model this behaviour yourself by asking your child for permission too.
Asking them for permission in everyday life. Practice asking for consent in your everyday life with your child. Do they want to wear the blue shirt or the green shirt? Do they want toast or cereal for breakfast?
Modelling consent. Show your child how to ask for consent and make sure you do it yourself in your everyday life. Try asking ‘Can I have a kiss goodnight’ and respecting that if they say no. Kids learn more by what you do than what you say!
Not forcing affection. Let them decide whether they want to kiss grandma, shake hands or just say ‘goodbye’. They are still being respectful and showing good manners, but they are now having a say about how their body is being touched. Don’t forget to tell your family that you let the kids decide how they want to greet people.
Consent should be given each time. Let your child know that they need to ask consent each time. Consent can be removed and the terms of it can change, even midway. For example, they might have been allowed to play with their siblings’ lego last week, but they still need to ask if they can play with it today. And if their sibling changes their mind after they’ve already started playing (because they don’t like the way they are smashing up their lego), that is okay as they are allowed to change their mind and to withdraw their consent, and to say that they can’t play with their lego.
Having a ‘no secrets’ policy. Let your child know that you don’t keep secrets in your family, especially when it comes to bodies and private parts. Secrets can be about presents and surprises.
Washing their own body parts. Start instilling the message to them that their genitals are a private body part and this means they should be looking after them by themselves. As your child becomes more independent, encourage them to wash their own genitals and remember to gain consent before touching their body.
Being the boss of their own body. Show your child that they have control of their own body. Ask for permission before you touch their body and make sure you respect this.
Respecting consent ie no means no. Teach your child that if someone says ‘no’ or asks them to stop, they must respect that. This message goes both ways. How would they feel if they said ‘no’ and their friend ignored it?
Help them read body language. A large part of communication is body language – our facial expressions, how we hold our arms, etc. Start pointing this out to children. You could say something like, ‘Yes, I know that your friend said that you can have their toy, but she doesn’t look very happy about it.’
Understand the impact of their actions on others. Help them to understand the impact of their actions on other people, and that when they make a choice, it has an impact on other people. You might say something like, ‘I know you wanted that toy but how do you think your friend felt when you took it without asking?’ or ‘How do you think they felt when you said that to them?’.
Talking about consent with tweens and teens
Puberty is a time of change, where hormones will slowly start to turn your child into an adult. Adolescence is a time when children start to think differently about love, sex and relationships. As well as changing their body, the sex hormones of puberty are also changing how they about romantic relationships.
So this is when you’ll start talking about consent from a romantic and sexual perspective.
And these conversations are very important at this age. As the last thing any parent wants to see, is their teen being charged with sexual assault or rape, or for them to be a victim themselves. You might have a responsible, level-headed teen but when they spend time with their peers, they are likely to do stuff they would usually not do. Which is why you need to ensure your tween or teen has a really good understanding of consent.
When teaching consent to kids, it’s important to remember that their brain is still developing. So although they may look more grown up, their brain won’t finish developing and maturing until their mid to late twenties. This is why you’ll still see them making decisions that have you shaking your head in despair, trying to figure out what happened to your mature teen!
It is also harder to make smart decisions when you don’t have any lived experiences to draw on.
Have you heard the idiom… Once bitten, twice shy?
Teens can’t always reflect on what has already happened to them (or their friends), and learn by their mistakes. They just don’t have the life experiences that we have. Plus, we really don’t want them to be learning about love, sex and relationships by making too many sexual mistakes. The consequences can be pretty serious… sexual assault, unplanned pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections.
If you want to learn more about brain development and how it affects your child’s behaviour during adolescence, Karen Young from Hey Sigmund has a helpful blogpost to read – The Adolescent Brain – What All Teens Need to Know.
What is sexual consent?
Sexual consent is agreeing to take part in sexual activity with someone.
The sexual activity is consensual when:
- Everyone freely chooses to participate.
- Everyone can clearly and enthusiastically say they want to participate.
- Anyone can change their mind at any time and have their decision respected.
- Everyone is awake, conscious and rational.
- Everyone understands what kind of activity they’re agreeing to.
- Everyone is over the legal age for sexual consent.
When should sexual consent be given?
Sexual consent must be given for these sexual activities, regardless of their gender or sexual identity:
- Kissing someone or touching any part of their body sexually.
- Having vaginal, anal or oral sex.
- Using a sex toy or other sexual aid.
- Sending sexual messages or images.
- Not using condoms or other contraception.
What must middle schoolers and high schoolers know about consent?
So when it comes to teaching consent to adolescents, it is important that tweens and teens understand:
- What consent means.
- Situations where one can never assume consent eg whilst under the influence, in groups.
- How to give or withhold consent and ask for it from others.
- How to seek help when they or someone else is having their right to consent violated.
- The consequences of not respecting consent – sexual assault, rape, sex with a minor.
As a parent, it is vital that your teen has a good understanding of consent and that they understand that consent is more than just saying yes. Their partner may consent to sex but is that consent valid if they are under the influence of alcohol? Consent is more than just a simple yes or no. And in the world today, it is more important than ever before that tweens and teens understand this.
As I was writing this blogpost, I found a fantastic Australian guide on How to teach consent to your teen. Reading it will help you to gain a better understanding of what your conversations could look like with your tween or teen.
Strategies for teaching tweens and teens about consent
Play the radio in the car. Sometimes I think that you could base every sex ed conversation that you need to have, off the stuff that you hear on the radio! Talk about the sexual messages that you hear on songs. Talk about the stories that people share on callback radio. This is a minefield of talking opportunities, so make sure you keep that radio turned on when ferrying your teens around.
Buy some books. There are some fantastic books out there, that talk about a whole range of things that are relevant for tweens and teens. And by providing them with a book, you can ensure that at least they will have some accurate information to look at -you can find some pretty dodgy (inaccurate) stuff online. (You’ll find links to appropriate books in the Consent Resources List, further down this page. 👇 )
Talk about what is happening in the novels they read. There are some fantastic books for young adults out there that discuss the issues teens face today. Read them as well, and try talking about how sex was portrayed in them. What was positive about it and what was negative? Talk about the events and feelings that led up to sex. The benefit of using a book is that you can talk about the subject in the third person. It makes it a whole lot safer and easier for talking – for both parent and child! If you are looking for some ideas, do a search in my free Facebook parenting group, that parent group. As suggestions for novels for teens is a common request by parents. You could also ask the Librarian at your local Public Library, as they are very knowledgeable of the current trends in books, and who to read.
Refer to movies and tv. Try sitting down and watching some movies and tv shows with your child. Talk about what you are seeing happen. Try questions like, ‘Do you think she gave consent? What makes you think she has?’.
Talk about the news. The news is full of stories about sexual assault. As tempting as it is to shelter your child from these stories, empower them instead with conversations about rape, consent and keeping safe. Let them learn from these experiences.
Talk about scenarios. Talk with your teen about what used to happen at the parties that you went to when you were a teen. Talk about the parties that they go to. Ask them what they would do if they were wanting to have sex with someone but they were drunk. What would they do? And what if they changed their mind partway? What if they saw someone taking advantage of a drunk friend? Brainstorm possible solutions, such as finding the nearest adult, calling a parent and getting them involved, directly intervening, gathering a group to intervene, or calling the police.
Keep on talking. Grab every opportunity that you can and talk about it. Your child might seem to be not listening, and say that they know it all but research tells us that kids do listen and they do want to talk to their parents about this sort of stuff. So keep on talking and remind your child that you are open to talking about anything! It also lets them know that they can come and talk to you about anything!
Consent resources for parents and families
Grappling with consent? Learn how to educate your child about giving – and asking for – consent in this popular crash course about consent.
There are some fantastic children’s books about consent that will help you to start talking to your child about consent. They are also sorted into ages, so you can quickly find the best book for your child, tween or teen. If you have a baby, then you need to look in this list of books for babies and toddlers, as there are some simple board books about consent in there.
A lot of the sex education books (that talk about lots of sex-ed topics) also talk about sexual consent. So that is a list to look at if you child, tween or teen might be more open to reading a book about sex than consent.
Safe Secure Kids (from the USA) is an educational program for younger children that is funded to teach respect for bodies and boundaries and to keep the children in your life safe. It has free resources and activitities you can use to teach your child about consent.
If you have a teenager aged 14 years and older, than BISH (Best in Sexual Health) from England has great content about sexual consent that is engaging for teens to read.
Amaze.org have educational videos on Youtube for tweens and young teens about consent.
Every Body Curious (from Canada) has a 10 minute video about consent that is suitable for 9 to 12 year old children.
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