Helping Parents Navigate Child Masturbation | From Babies to Teens

child hiding under bedclothes

Let’s talk about masturbation, as we get a lot of questions about it from worried parents in my free Facebook sex education group for parents, that parent group.

Masturbation is a sexual behaviour that makes most parents feel uncomfortable and they often don’t know how to respond.

This blogpost will help you to understand why your child might be masturbating, what to do when you see it happening, and how to do this without shame. You’ll also find information that is written specifically for babies & toddlers, children, tweens and teens.

If you’d like to learn how to have other sex-ed conversations, have a look at my Sex Education 101 page.

Now, if you are a member of my free Facebook sex education group for parents, that parent group, what I am about to say is super important! that parent group is a support group where parents join because they usually have a problem.

So you will see lots of parents asking about child masturbation as they join the group for guidance. And it isn’t uncommon for new members to think that masturbation is problematic for many families (as it isn’t). So if your child isn’t masturbating, don’t be alarmed. Some kids masturbate, some don’t, and both are okay.

But just because masturbation is seen as being an age-appropriate sexual behaviour, that doesn’t mean we just sit back and let our kids ‘go for it’. You must have discussions about when it is okay to masturbate and create family rules to keep your child safe. Providing kids with guidance on where to masturbate is not permission or encouragement to masturbate.

What is child masturbation?

So what is child masturbation?

Masturbation simply means stimulating the genitals or other parts of your body for pleasure. It’s seen as a sexual behaviour that some (not all) children may do as they grow up. I talk about child sexual development in this blogpost.

Children will touch their genitals because it feels nice. They may touch their vulva, penis and/or anus. They know that if they touch their genitals (or body) in a certain way, a nice feeling will happen. And this feeling might help your child to fall asleep, to feel more relaxed, or just be something to do when they feel bored.

So for kids, child masturbation is more about accidentally discovering their genitals can feel nice when they touch them in a certain way

They explore their body and discover a part that feels nice when they touch it. It usually starts as vague fiddling that may become more purposeful later on when they discover that it can feel quite nice (some kids may orgasm). Or they might discover that if they sit on top of their favourite teddy and rock backwards and forwards, that it can feel really nice (I talk about humping in a different blogpost). They don’t know that it is a feeling that adults associate with sexual pleasure, they just know that it feels nice.

So child masturbation is just about children touching their genitals because it feels nice. They don’t do it because they are having sexual thoughts, or are feeling aroused.

And before I forget, we need to talk about the ‘hands down the pants’ thing, where kids are either holding their genitals or just ‘fiddling’ with their genitals (often without even realising they are doing it). A child who is often found with their hands down their pants isn’t usually masturbating. They aren’t doing it because it ‘feels nice’. They are doing it out of habit, for comfort or no real reason at all. This sort of genital touching often frustrates parents, and you can read more in this blog post, about how to handle a child who always has their hands down their pants. And yes, eventually they do outgrow it!

Why do kids masturbate?

If you are LDS or belong to a church that disapproves of masturbation, then read this article by Natasha Helfer – My Official Stance on Masturbation.

Not all children will masturbate. Some do and some don’t, and both are normal age-appropriate sexual behaviours! So your child isn’t abnormal if they are (or aren’t)  masturbating.

Child masturbation is something that kids usually discover as they explore their bodies or whilst they are playing.

It might be something that they do occasionally. Or it might be something that they do regularly. Some kids might rub their genitals at nap time, when watching the TV or when they are bored, stressed or tired.

So as well as feeling nice, it is a behaviour that can soothe and relax them, just like thumb sucking and hair twirling does. You could look at it as another way that kids manage their feelings.

parents talking with child about masturbation
Sometimes it can take many gentle reminders until kids understand your family rules.

Should you ever worry?

Most of the time, there isn’t anything to worry about. Child masturbation is usually an age-appropriate behaviour.

The only time to be worried about your child’s masturbation, is when:

  • It becomes compulsive ie they do it ALL the time.
  • It begins to interfere with normal life eg every time they sit on their bike they spend more time rubbing themselves on the seat than actually riding it.
  • Or it stops your child from doing other things eg  they choose to masturbate rather than play with a toy or friend.

If their masturbation doesn’t feel age-appropriate, then I have free resource about worrying sexual behaviours that will help you know whether to worry (or not).

Masturbation is rarely a sign of sexual abuse but I am a firm believer in trusting your ‘gut instinct’. If your ‘gut instinct’ tells you that something is going in, then access my free resource or seek advice from a health professional.

I want to briefly mention infantile gratification disorder. It is uncommon, but I still hear from parents about it being diagnosed in their child, a couple of times a year. So I think it is worth mentioning.

What if they are inserting items?

I also want to talk about when children insert objects into their anus, as it does happen.

Sometimes children will insert things into their bottom (or anus) and or vagina. Most of the time it is innocent and just exploratory and a part of the ‘game’ they are playing with their friend. But, it is a good idea to gently explore how the ‘inserting part’ happened, to ensure they aren’t doing it because of exposure to porn, seeing adults have sex, or something that another kid told them. So you may also need to tell them that sex is for adults, not kids.

If they are inserting, they’ll need to be told it isn’t safe and that your family rule is ‘We don’t put things in ears, up noses, in bottoms, in vaginas or into the hole at the end of the penis (where pee comes out) or under the foreskin. We have these rules to keep your body safe.’

So what do you do when you find your child masturbating?

Child masturbation might be seen as age-appropriate sexual behaviour in children, but does that mean that you should stand by and just let them go for it? Whenever and wherever they want to?

It might be age-appropriate but they still need guidance as to when and where they can do it.

The shame-free approach to masturbation is to take it slowly and gently. It might take longer for them to understand what they can (or can’t do) but your child won’t feel shame. This approach also helps to prevent their masturbation from becoming an attention-seeking behaviour.

Don’t expect them to understand your new child masturbation rules immediately. It can take time for ‘the message’ to sink in!

The main thing to remember is to stay calm and not make a big deal about it. And to not discipline your child for masturbating.

Babies and toddlers

So what do you do (about masturbation) when it comes to babies and toddlers?

At this age, it is usually just an exploration of their genitals. They are very tactile at this age and learn by sticking things in their mouth or by touching things with their hands. So it is quite natural for them to grab their genitals during a nappy change or in the bathtub. It is just a different part of the body to explore and they take advantage of easy access when their nappy is off or they are naked.

When changing their nappy, it is okay to let your child grab their genitals and explore this part of their body. At this age, it isn’t going to awaken any sexual feelings or create any problems as they get older. They are just touching their genitals because they are curious about their body and they learn best by touch.

If your baby or toddler is humping, please read my blogpost about what to do when your baby or toddler is humping.

Sometimes babies and toddlers can be quite rough when handling their genitals, and you may cringe and wonder if they are actually causing any damage. They usually do stop when it becomes painful but sometimes you may need to redirect their attention away from what they are doing, especially if they develop chafing or redness. Distract them with a toy or new activity and limit their naked time. And keep their fingernails short so they don’t scratch themself.

This is also a good time to start teaching them the names of private body parts! This blogpost will show you how to get started with naming private body parts.

Talk to children about masturbation

So what do you do (about masturbation) when it comes to children?

First of all, take a deep breath.  Don’t panic and get angry when you find your child touching their genitals. This can give your child negative messages that can impact their self-esteem, body image and later on, their comfort with sex as an adult.

Teach your child the difference between public and private.  We have public and private places, where public means that there are people around and private means just you. Parts of your body can be private too, and these parts are usually covered up by underwear. The private body parts include your penis, bottom and mouth or vulva/vagina, mouth, bottom and breasts.

You could try saying something like, “It’s okay to touch your penis/vulva but because it is a private part of your body, you should only touch it in a private place, like your bedroom. You can only do this at home.”

Set limits by informing your child about your family rules on touching genitals. Remind them that it is a private activity that should happen in a private place. It can sometimes take many conversations until your child fully understands the concept of private.

You can then send them to their bedroom (or another designated private place). You could say something like, “I know that it can feel nice to touch your penis/vulva but you are in a public space where other people can see you. Do you want to go to a private place now?” They will usually need lots of gentle reminders before they automatically remember your family rules.

Sometimes you might need to distract your child from touching their genitals. Especially if you have visitors or are out of the house. When you see them starting to masturbate, try to redirect their attention to another activity. You might suggest they start playing with their blocks or see if they can click their fingers together, or some other age-appropriate task that is readily available. You could even try saying something like, “Look how nice it is outside, let’s go and play outside”.

Don’t make a big deal out of it, when you find your child masturbating. Kids enjoy any attention, good or bad, so you could inadvertently end up encouraging this behaviour. Approach it as you would approach any other annoying habit that they have.

Now, I have a lot more I talk about all of these things in more detail in my parent guide about private body parts. There are also some good children’s books for talking about body safety.

Oh, and you may want to add that they will need to wash their hands after touching their genitals.

Try to use your everyday voice when reminding your child as you don’t want them to think that they are in trouble or to feel ashamed.  So remind your child in the same voice that you might use when asking them if they can go and have a shower.

As they get older, kids will usually realise that masturbating is a private activity and will quietly do it in private. And often, parents are unaware that it is happening.

It’s okay to be silly or to have a giggle while you talk!

Talk to tweens and teens about masturbation

Puberty is when masturbation becomes sexual because of the hormones of puberty. As well as being responsible for changing your child’s body, hormones are responsible for changing their feelings about sex. People with a penis will begin to create sperm and will ejaculate semen, either through wet dreams or masturbation. People with a vulva will be able to climax or reach orgasm (if they aren’t already).

This is an age where you may need to talk about lubricants, sex toys and pornography. Oh, and hygiene! Please don’t forget to talk about handwashing, sex toy care, clean up of bodily fluids etc.

Lubricants help to make masturbation more comfortable. If they don’t have any, they’ll often find something else to use instead, like body moisturiser, cooking oil from the kitchen or liquid soap when in the shower. If you suddenly start using a lot more soap and moisturiser than usual, then this could be the reason why. Providing them with lubricants that are designed for masturbation, can sometimes be cheaper as well as healthier for their genitals. If you want to learn more about lubricants before talking with your tween or teen, then here’s a blog post that is written to educate teens about lubricants but is also educational for parents.

This is an age where some tweens or teens may request a sex toy. Or they will use a household item instead, like your electric toothbrush (that vibrates). Sometimes they may start inserting objects into their vagina or anus. This can be risky as they could damage themselves internally, or lose an item in their rectum (which means a trip to your emergency department for it to be removed). So sex toys are often a safer option than allowing them to make their own sex toys. Just make sure you google whether it’s legal to purchase a sex toy for a minor in your state or country first.

If the thought of talking about lubricants and sex toys with your tween or teen is intimidating, then the best resource to help you feel more confident is my Parent Masterclass about masturbation, which will leave you feeling comfortable and confident about raising the subject of masturbation with your teen. I talk about lubricants and sex toys in more detail inside there, including the use of pornography for masturbation.

What about masturbating to pornography? The concern that I have when teens masturbate to porn, is that often it is the only way they will masturbate. And because they’re still going through sexual development (and their body and brain is still developing), it can be problematic as they are training their body to respond in a set way. Porn makes masturbation quick, and they also don’t get to understand their own body either. I talk about this in a lot more detail in my Parent Masterclass about masturbation. So occasionally masturbating to porn is okay, but have a read of my blog post about porn. As I talk in there about whether it is okay to let kids view porn.

Is masturbation sinful?

Some people believe that masturbation or sexual self-stimulation is sinful because of their religious views.

If these are your beliefs, how then do you talk to your child about not touching their genitals without making them feel ashamed or guilty about their body and feelings?

First of all, when sharing your values and beliefs about sexuality, it is important to explain the meaning behind them ie why you have these beliefs. If you can explain the reason behind your beliefs, then your child is more likely to understand and respect your wishes. But you need to remember, that sexual values are personal. As your child grows up, they will develop their own set of values. So there is no guarantee they will develop values that are similar to yours. But the more you talk about your values with your child, the more likely they are to have similar values as you.

I have only found one set of children’s books that talk about masturbation without mentioning that it is sinful.  The Birds and Bees by the Book by Patricia Weerakoon is a six-book set of sex education books for children. The ‘sex book’ talks about how touching your genitals can feel good. The author suggests that ‘the good’ feelings are not wrong, but that children need to be careful. The genitals are special parts of the body, they’re not dirty or bad, but they’re not toys. So these good feelings need to be saved for later, for when you’re married. So children shouldn’t play with their genitals as if they are toys. They should just leave them alone and find something else to do with their hands or something else to do. And if they are having trouble with stopping, they should talk to their parents.

What I like about Patricia’s books, is there is no shame whilst teaching a belief about masturbation. If conversations are gentle and casual (without becoming a lecture) you have a much better chance of not installing guilt or shame. 

There is also a series of books from Luke and Trisha Gilkerson, that are a book that you can read together with your child. Masturbation is discussed, but it does talk about it as being sinful. These hugely popular books are The Talk: 7 Lessons to Introduce Your Child to Biblical Sexuality, Changes: 7 Biblical Lessons to Make Sense of Puberty and Relationships: 11 Lessons to Give Kids a Greater Understanding of Biblical Sexuality.

If you are Mormon, then I’ve found this helpful guide on masturbation.

Resources for talking about child masturbation

You aren’t alone with this conversation, as I have some wonderful resources that will make talking easier.

There are some lovely children’s books that talk about masturbation that you may find helpful for having conversations. I also have a list of body safety books for children that will help you to start teaching your child body safety as well as public and private.

I have a blogpost to help you start teaching body safety to your child.

I have a Parent Masterclass about child masturbation, which will leave you feeling comfortable and confident about raising the subject of masturbation with your child. It’s suitable for talking to children of all ages and shows you how to talk in a way that incorporates your values and beliefs.

I have also created a parent guide about private body parts that can help you to have shame-free conversations with your child about masturbation, start talking about private and public, and to create family rules about touching bodies.

If you want to talk to your child about porn, visit my Pornography 101 page. I also have a porn talk course that will help you to get started with this important conversation!

If you need help working out what sexual values to share with your child, then have a look at my Sexual Values Workbooks, as they are designed to give you clarity and to help you share the values that are relevant for your child now.

If you are worried about how to answer any of their questions about masturbation, then my most popular resource with parents is The Sex Ed Answer Book. It has age-specific answers to the most common questions kids ask parents about sex.

If puberty is happening, My Parent Guide to Puberty can provide you with a starting point to talk about these sometimes awkward topics. You can also learn more about puberty by visiting my Puberty 101 page.

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