Have you ever had to think about your gender?
If you’re cis, which is statistically likely, then there’s every chance you haven’t had to think too deeply about it. In the same way that you don’t think about your shoes when they fit really nicely. But if your shoes were on the wrong feet, or there was a stone in them or they were a size too small, then suddenly you’re very aware of it.
This is a guest post from Jacob Stokoe. I first stumbled across Jacob in my free Facebook group for parents, that parent group, and was awed by his patience in helping parents to navigate gender identity with their children. So I reached out to him and asked him if he could write me a blogpost that would help parents to navigate these important conversations with their child about gender and gender identity. I am often asked by parents about how to explain transgender to a child, how to support a child who is gender diverse or non-binary. So I am pleased to provide you with a resource from someone with lived experience of gender diversity. More importantly though, they are also a parent who tackles these conversations with their own children.
You’re not alone if gender confuses you…
The world of gender and the language around it can seem confusing if it’s not something you’ve had to think about.
There’s some misconceptions around “cis” and “trans”, but they’re really pretty simple. They’re both latin prefixes.
Trans is an active word, it means to move across or to change.
Cis is the opposite, it means to stay the same.
So if you were given a gender at birth and you still have the same one now, that means you’re cisgender, or cis.
If your gender is different from the one you were given at birth (whether that is the opposite or somewhere else) then that means you’re transgender, or trans.
For me, I’m trans and nonbinary. That means my gender is different from the one I was assigned at birth, but instead of moving across to the other binary gender (binary meaning two – in this case man and woman), I found that my gender sat somewhere else.
A new way to think about gender identities
When thinking about gender identities I like to think about a universe where Man is one planet, Woman is another and nonbinary is the rest of the universe.
I was assigned female at birth but knew that planet Woman wasn’t for me. I set off towards planet Man and realised on the way that I was quite happy in between, perhaps orbiting closer to planet Man, but not being tied to either. And every nonbinary person experiences this differently. You don’t have to orbit anywhere close to the binary planets.
There’s literally a whole universe to explore. If you’ve got a young person in your life who has expressed that they have a nonbinary identity, how cool is it to get to have a front seat while they explore these new frontiers?!
The difference between gender and sex
It can also be confusing when you’re considering gender and sex for the first time.
Gender is how you feel about your identity in relation to masculine, feminine, man, woman or other. You can feel like one of these, both or none at all.
Sex is what you are assigned at birth, when the midwife or doctor sees what genitals you have and assigns you a gender based on that. If you have a penis they will assign your sex as male and assume your gender is a boy. If you have a vulva they will assign your sex as female and assume your gender is a girl. And if your genitals are indeterminate they will assign your sex as intersex and your parents (with help from the doctor) will choose a gender to use.
The quickest way to think about it is that gender is about who I am and sex is what I have been assigned.
If you’re cisgender you’re the same gender as you were assigned at birth and if you’re straight then you’re attracted to the opposite binary gender.
Being cisgender and straight is often assumed to be the default.
People often assume kids are cisgender and straight without thinking about it, I know the adults in my life assumed I was, and so then we have a process of “coming out” where we let people know that they assumed wrong. My dream is of a world where we don’t assume either of those things and let kids explore freely so they can find their authentic selves without having to fight against labels that they didn’t choose.
The world you know is changing
Because of the internet, times have moved fast.
I’m in my 30s but I was an adult before I even knew that you could be trans. I had literally never heard of a trans man until I was on youtube and saw videos of someone’s transition. I had grown up assuming that all girls wanted beards.
To pull from my earlier analogy, I assumed that everyone was uncomfortable in their shoes and I couldn’t work out why nobody else was limping like I was.
Today’s young people don’t have that same limitation.
There’s big conversations going on about trans identities and so they are able to look at themselves and work out how they’re feeling, using language I can only wish I had had.
But that doesn’t mean you instantly have all the answers.
One of the defining things about being a young person is that you get to try out different versions of yourself to see what fits. The best gift we can give the trans youth in our lives is the opportunity to explore freely, without judgement and without expectation.
We live in a world that assumes cis-ness and assumes straight-ness and both of these appear static so it’s easy to assume that that’s how gender and sexuality should be. Fixed and unchanging.
It annoyed me no end when I first came out as gay at 12 and was told it was a phase. Now, 25 years later, and I’m still annoyed that we’re telling kids that how they feel is somehow temporary and therefore less valid.
One of the best things I’ve discovered about myself is just how fluid my gender and sexuality are. I’m never straight and never cis, but I’m also never only one thing. And every moment that I exist, every moment that I’m experiencing my gender and sexuality, they’re valid, even if they’re going to change again.
How I handle gender and parenting
I’m the birthing parent to two young children and I’ve approached gender and parenting in a really relaxed way.
I think people assume that as a trans person I would have really strong opinions on gender because it’s been something that is so important to me, but really it’s quite the opposite.
My kids wear whatever clothes are comfortable, regardless of colour or style, and they play with whichever toys interest them. I don’t assume that playing with a certain type of toy means my kid is likely to be trans, heck when I was a kid my favourite colour was pink and I loved playing with dolls.
My gender is more than my actions or how I present myself, my gender is an internal identity that only I can articulate or understand. And that goes the same for my kids.
At the point they tell me that they feel like they’re a particular gender I’ll believe them and if that changes, I’ll continue to believe them and adjust any language as needed.
I’m aware that there may be backlash around me if I do this, but I would rather face and address other people’s discomfort than make my child conform to arbitrary rules. Especially when the impact of forcing a child to conform can result in really drastic and devastating consequences.
The rate of suicide and self harm amongst trans youth is incredibly high and we know these numbers drop drastically when the young person is supported. I’ll gladly take any amount of judgement from people who don’t understand if it can keep my child safe.
Of course, as parents there’s only so much we can do to support our kids. There’s a whole world out there that genders everything from bodies to toys to clothes and our kids are facing all of those assumptions away from the safety of us. All we can do is try and offer a safe place for them to come back to, where they can be wholly themselves without having to mask or present in a way that feels uncomfortable for them.
Books
A Note from Cath: Books can be a great resource for explaining gender to a child. They explain what it means and in a way that makes sense to kids. There’s also some great books for explaining what it means to be transgender or non-binary. There is also a list of inclusive sex education and puberty books for children. Reading these books helps your kids to understand what gender is, but more importantly, they let your child know that they can talk to you about their own gender identity.
People don’t choose to be trans or non-binary
Being trans is hard. Believe me, I know this first hand.
There’s a strange misconception that we, as trans people, are trying to recruit or accumulate people but really the opposite is true: it’s not that I want more people to be trans but if someone is trans I want to make it as easy as possible for them to exist.
There’s some stuff about being trans that’s always going to be difficult. Many (but not all) trans people experience gender dysphoria, the intense negative feeling that comes from gender identity, expression and or/body not aligning.
Even in a perfect world someone with a supportive family and friends may experience dysphoria, especially when facing the onset of puberty and the changes that come with that.
There are two aspects to helping alleviate dysphoria, social transition and medical transition.
Social transition is the majority of what you can do to support a trans young person. This could involve physical things like changing clothes, hair or how they decorate their bedroom. It can also be social things like what pronouns you use for them (he, they or she for example), what name they use or what activities you sign them up for. All of these things are so personal and there’s no one way to be trans. What causes dysphoria for one person might not affect someone else in the same way and what they need to do to feel better might be different too.
The only kind of medical intervention that a young person might be able to access is hormone blockers – safe medications that have been used for decades to prevent precocious puberty in pre-teens. This can then delay puberty so they can choose whether to pursue taking hormone therapy when they’re an adult, or they can stop taking the blockers and let their original puberty happen. How easy it is to access blockers will depend on where you are in the world and what age the young person is.
Gender dysphoria and working out how to alleviate it is talked about a lot but it can be hard to work out what bad feelings are dysphoria and what are other things like anxiety, depression or body dysmorphia.
What I find really useful as a tool for myself but also when working with young trans people is considering gender euphoria instead. In a world where lots of things feel rubbish, the things that feel good can shine like a beacon.
For me, I always wanted a beard and I would stick one on my face using whatever I had to hand. Pen, paper, glue, tape, there are so many photos of me as a teen with a tash and a beard. If I had known then that that was me seeking the euphoria it would have all made so much sense much sooner. I also would have maybe questioned my assumption that all girls wanted a beard!
The wonderful thing about euphoria is that it is a joyful thing to seek. It’s about listening to what feels good and following it, rather than only running from something bad. And it comes in so many shapes, it can be the cut of a certain type of clothes or having hair a certain way. It can be being called “mate” instead of “love” or feeling soft fabric against your skin. It’s exciting to explore and even if you’re not trans yourself it is something to think about and indulge in.
The importance of language
The importance of language can’t be overstated.
My kids are little and haven’t shown any particular gender identities yet but I try hard to use relatively neutral language where possible. “You’re such a clever kid” or “you’re my wonderful bean” are used instead of gendered words.
I have a myriad of pet names that I put in place of gendered language.
I want my kids to know they’re awesome because of who they are, not because they’re good at being a boy or a girl. Of course, the second they express that they feel like they have a gender identity, be it boy, girl or other, I will enthusiastically and fervently use gendered compliments for them, just as I do any adult in my life who has shared their gender with me.
This isn’t about gender being bad or good, it’s just about allowing space for them to tell me how they feel about it before I, along with the rest of the world, impose what I think it should be.
It can take practice to get language right, and that’s ok.
I remember when my friend came out as nonbinary and said they used they/them pronouns. I’d never used those pronouns before and it took a long time for the words to feel right. But honestly the only thing that made it easier was practice. I made a point of correcting myself in my own head when I thought about them and I deliberately thought about them often to make myself use the pronouns.
And I also became a champion for them to other people, correcting others who got the pronouns wrong. If you have a young person in your life who changes their pronouns then this will become your job too. It’s important to stand up for them even when they’re not in the room. Especially when they’re not in the room.
And of course we fear backlash from the people around us.
There’s a lot of judgement around gender and how people think young people should be.
I think this comes from fear of the unknown because once you allow a child to just exist, untethered by other peoples assumptions of gender, you see how really it doesn’t need to be that much of a big deal.
Even better than that, when you strip away the assumptions that other people impose on your child you get to see who they really are and that’s something to be celebrated.
There can be a fear that allowing a child to express themselves fully will encourage them to be trans or gay, but if that was the case then we would all be straight and cisgender because we were all socialised with the assumption that we were.
No matter what you do or don’t allow your child to do, they will be the same person underneath. I’m strongly of the opinion that letting them be fully themselves creates stable, happy adults.
You don’t need to panic about getting gender & gender identity wrong
It can be so easy to panic about getting it wrong, especially around gender, but the primary thing is really simple – we need to listen to our kids and the young people in our lives.
They will tell us what they need and it’s up to us to believe them, to honour them and to support them.
Kids want to be the best versions of themselves and sometimes it’s our own views of how they should be that get in the way of them achieving that.
Let them have control over their hair, their style and their bodies.
Let them make radical choices (cut off their hair! Dye it pink! Buy a wig!) and give them space to have their own feelings around what it felt like to take that dive.
Their hair will grow, their clothes might change and their identity and how they present to the world might evolve but they will remember that you loved and held them through it.
It is up to us as the adults to be strong and steady and hold the space for our kids. We need to trust them and believe them while providing a stable foundation for them to enter the world from, regardless of if they’re trans or cis.
By doing this we are raising people who will then be able to respect and hold space for others who don’t easily conform to societies norms and what a gift to the world that is.
Resources about gender diversity
Here are some resources that will help you to support a gender diverse child.
Human Rights Campaign – An American organisation who are working for LGBT+ inclusion. They have specific resources for schools here.: Welcoming Schools.
Mermaids – A great website for families of young trans people. Based in the UK but the information is relevant for parents from all over the world.
Minus18 – An Australian site that aims to improve the health and wellbeing of same-sex attracted and gender diverse young people.
Parents of Gender Diverse Children – An Australian website that provides support for parents and carers of gender diverse kids. Their resources page is excellent.
Stonewall School Report 2017 – Important research into LGBT+ experiences in (UK) schools.
Transforming Families – An Australian site that is an academic and community collaboration supporting parents of gender diverse children. You’ll find research, resources and support for your family.
The Trevor Project has a lovely resource for parents about how to be an ally to transgender and nonbinary youth.
Transcend – An Australian site that supports trans, gender diverse, non-binary and gender questioning children, adolescents and their families. They have a 28 page PDF guide for families that is wonderful.
Transcend Australia – Transcend Australia was founded in 2012 as the first parent-led peer support network for the families of trans, gender diverse and non-binary children in Australia.
TransHub – Powered by ACON, this is a digital information and resource platform for all trans and gender diverse people in NSW Australia, their loved ones, allies and health providers.