Talking with Kids about Modesty and Clothing Choices in a Shame-Free Way

Let’s talk about modesty and clothing restrictions for tweens and teens, as we get a lot of questions about it in my free Facebook sex education group for parents, that parent group.

Sexualised clothing is a contentious topic and it triggers a lot of parents. You may have memories yourself of being shamed or treated in a disrespectful way over your own clothing choices, and you don’t want to see that happen to your own child. Or maybe your values and/or religious beliefs believe in modesty. Or maybe you are worried about your child’s safety if they wear sexualised clothing, and the messages it may give other people.

So I am going to share some things to consider, which you may (or may not) agree with!

When to start talking about clothing choices

It’s up to you, in regards to when to start talking about clothing choices. But the earlier you start talking, the easier it is later on. So if your child is already starting to show interest in choosing their own clothes, use this as an opportunity to start talking about smart clothing choices. Talk about how they can choose clothing that is functional, comfortable, attractive, and even an expression of their personal style.

Why do they want to wear this clothing?

If your child wants to wear clothing that you feel is inappropriate, I’d encourage you to approach this from a place of curiosity. Try to look past their request, and explore why they want to wear this clothing. Why do they like this clothing, and how would wearing it make them feel?

Is it because they want to fit in and look like their peers? Are they wanting to feel more grown up? Do they feel empowered when wearing the clothes? Do they feel more attractive? Do they like the attention they receive? Are they aware of the negative attention they may receive?

If you can uncover the reason for their request, you may be able to negotiate an alternative solution. Maybe you can find a way for them to wear these clothes, but with restrictions e.g. only at home or they have to save up and pay for them. Or maybe you can find a different way to meet their needs.

It’s also important to remember puberty and how children develop. If your child is aged 8 and older, the desire to fit in with their peers is often age-appropriate behaviour. Adolescence is a time of working out who they are and how they will fit into the world So many tweens & teens will want to fit in with their peers (and not stand out as being different). Over time, they may develop their own style and may dress in a way that they want to dress (instead of being so heavily influenced by peers). But the urge to fit in is strong, and tweens and teens often feel safer when they blend in with the crowd than to stand out as being different.

What are your feelings?

If you are concerned about your child’s clothing choices, then I’d like to encourage you to, first of all, reflect on your own feelings about this. Spend some time and quietly reflect on your feelings, and work out whether you are being triggered, and what the trigger is.

Are you slut-shaming?

A common fear that parents have, is that they’re slut-shaming their child by not wanting them to wear sexualised clothes?

Slut-shaming is accusing someone – usually girls and women – of being “too sexual” and using that as an excuse to humiliate, bully or harass them.

So…

I don’t know if you are, as it depends on your reason for not wanting your child to wear sexualised clothing.

Have a read of this blog post to explore whether you are slut-shaming (or not).

Start a conversation, not an argument

This is important, as conversations can educate and empower your child, and help them to make informed decisions about their body. Plus open, honest, and positive conversations strengthen your relationship with your child.

So conversations can be a powerful tool for change.

Here are some great ideas that I found online for empowering conversations to have with your child about their clothing choices.

1. Explore your own values surrounding dress.

Many of us have unconscious biases or opinions about clothing, especially for girls and women. It’s helpful to understand your beliefs in this regard. Before jumping into a conversation, ask yourself how you think girls “should” or “shouldn’t” dress. Question why you feel the way you do and where those values might stem from.

2. Ask your child about their inspiration. 

Tweens and teens are bombarded with messaging about what to wear and body image, largely due to its prevalence on the social media teens use. Ask your child to show you what they like, who they are “following,” and what inspires them to dress the way they do. You’ll learn far more about them than just their clothing preferences, so treat this as an opportunity to get to know them better.

3. If offering feedback, avoid labels. 

You may have a lot to say about your child’s clothing, but keep feedback limited to function vs. form, avoiding critical or judgmental labels like “unflattering” or “slutty.” Instead, opt for comments that address the function of the piece e.g. “It’s cold outside, so I don’t think a tank top is the right choice for today.” They may disagree, but your statement is factual.

4. Talk about body image & explore how they feel about their body. 

Studies show that how one feels about their body will influence clothing selection; in the reverse, clothing choices can also influence one’s perception of their body. Talking with your child about clothing can open the door to talking about how they feel about their body, their weight, changes happening within their body, and how connected they may or may not feel to their own body.

5. Explore how clothing choices make them feel. 

Especially if it’s a contentious topic, it is likely that your child’s clothing choices are emotional ones, or at least ones that elicit “big feelings.” If things get emotional, gently broach the topic of self-concept and explore the possibility of them having struggles with low self-esteem.

6. Broaden the discussion to self-expression & creativity. 

Adolescents struggle with peer approval and peer pressure daily. Clothing choice is inextricably linked to tweens and teens developing the creative part of their identity in a way that is socially connected i.e. who dresses how, who has the latest brands, etc. Use this opportunity to ask about the other creative outlets they have in their life or the outlets they would like to develop.

7. Talk about sexism/unfairness in dress codes. 

Love them or hate them, formal dress codes exist in many workplaces and schools, not to mention unspoken dress codes that are applied to certain settings or events. Your child likely has a dress code at school that may or may not accurately reflect their preferences, body type, or culture. This is a great opportunity to discuss sexism or biases that are reflected in dress codes.

8. Address time and place in making clothing selections. 

Share your expectations about what can and can’t be worn and under what circumstances. Clothing that’s “home appropriate” may not be appropriate for school. Explore and discuss your boundaries, be ready to meet resistance, and determine where you might be more flexible e.g. athletic clothes to a formal family dinner isn’t OK, but a more two-piece swimsuit to a teenage pool party might be fine.

9. Promote confidence. 

During puberty, body shame is at an all-time high, so keep the conversation focused on what makes your child feel confident and proud of themself, their body, and their identity. Often, they are trying just as hard to figure out their style preferences as you are to talk to them about them. Use the conversation to promote confidence in who they are.

10. Generate suggestions, not criticism. 

Rather than telling your child what not to wear or judging what they bring to you, find examples of things you think they would like and that would look good. Nonchalantly share your opinion about items you like so they feel like they can do the same with you. This turns the conversation about clothes into an ongoing, ever-evolving one.

11. Don’t take resistance personally. 

When talking about clothing with your child, you will inevitably dislike items that they think are great. Remember, it’s normal to feel “out of touch” or like you have no sense of what’s cool. Don’t take it personally when they resist. Instead, recognise that this is a very normal part of them differentiating themself from you.

12. Beware when clothing concerns bridge into body dysmorphia. 

Sometimes, when tweens or teens are highly preoccupied with appearance, clothing, and body issues, it’s a sign of body dysmorphia — a mental health issue with no specific treatment. If the battle about clothing selection seems to be more acutely related to your child’s self-assessment, it may be time to seek professional help in the form of a counsellor or therapist.

13. Decide in advance & clearly communicate where/when they are welcome to wear clothing you dislike or disapprove of. 

Rather than engaging in a daily “go change” exchange, have a collaborative conversation about which clothes are appropriate for which settings. This can help you avoid having the clothing battle over and over. Perhaps it’s OK for them to wear shorter shorts when out with friends, but you don’t want them wearing them when visiting their grandparents. Give them the autonomy to make some of their own decisions, too.

14. Set a budget. 

Decide what you’re comfortable spending on “parent-approved” clothing and “not parent-approved clothing.” Also, allow your child some flexibility within the latter category to purchase what they like. Giving them that freedom may make them more careful with their spending choices and teach them financial responsibility.

15. Avoid commentary on clothes being “slutty” or “too sexy”. 

You can have an opinion about your child’s clothing, but sharing those particular comments will end the conversation and make them defensive. If their clothes make you think they may be exploring their sexuality or what it means to be sexual/sexy, they probably are. Sexual identity exploration is a normal part of adolescence, and considering how their body looks in different clothing is part of that journey.

16. Keep the conversation playful. 

Share something that you wore when you were younger that your parents hated, or tell your own story of a wardrobe mishap so they know it’s a safe, non-judgmental conversation. We all had a “look” that our parents hated when we were teenagers. Remind them that everyone has this experience, including you.

What NOT to Say

When talking about clothing with your child, it’s important to create space for the conversation to remain open and nonjudgmental. You may have strong feelings about what they should wear but know that testing these boundaries is a very normal part of adolescent development.

When talking about clothing with your child, avoid the following:

• Language that is shaming or judgmental.
• Any commentary that deals directly with their body, weight, breasts, sexual organs.
• Berating or punishing behaviours.

Advice for Dads

For dads of daughters especially, commentary regarding her physical development should be limited to how her body works and functions, not appears. Given that dads have not experienced the tween or teen years as a daughter, their credibility may be limited, so it is best to hold to pragmatic, non-judgmental discussions.

So… should you allow them to wear sexualised clothing?

That’s your decision to make! And hopefully, this blog post will help you handle this situation in a shame-free way.

You can also search in my free Facebook sex education group for parents, that parent group, for previous posts on ‘slut shaming’ or ‘sexualised clothing’.

Remember: Every family handles this differently, so do what works for your family.

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