How to have the puberty talk with your daughter
Have you talked about puberty with your daughter (or child with ovaries)?
Luckily for our children, we now know that having one talk – like what happened when we were kids – doesn’t really work.
Today it is all about having lots of little conversations about puberty that are repeated over a long time. And in this blog post, I am going to walk you through puberty conversations.
You’ll find more information about puberty for children with ovaries on my Female Puberty page, and everything else about puberty on my Puberty 101 page.
Let’s get started!
A NOTE ABOUT SEX AND GENDER. Sex and gender exist on spectrums. This page will use the term ‘female’, ‘male’ and/or ‘intersex’ to refer to the sex assigned at birth. It will use the terms ‘girl’ and ‘boy’ to refer to children who are cisgender, i.e. a child who was born with ovaries and identifies as a girl, or a child who was born with testicles and identifies as a boy. In regards to gender-diverse children, refer to the information that matches their gonads (ovaries or testicles), as gonads drive puberty and they are responsible for making bodies change. Click here to learn more about sex and gender.
When to start the puberty talk
When should you start the puberty talk with your female child? The sooner you start talking the better!
In an ideal world, you should start talking before they start to notice any changes to their body. By changes, I mean things like the start of pubic or underarm hair, the development of breasts, a first period, growing taller and wider, body odour, sweating, sexy feelings, mood changes, and more. And these changes can start happening anywhere from the age of 8.
You can learn more in this article about what signs to look out for in females.
So basically, anytime from the age of 8 or 9 is a good time to start talking to your female child about puberty in a way that prepares them for the forthcoming changes.
Can I start earlier than that?
You can start talking to kids about puberty from a young age.
By talking when they are younger, you are gently introducing the concept to them that one day their body will start to change from being a child’s body to an adult body.
Kids as young as three or four will have no trouble understanding this concept. They won’t really understand why (or even want to know why), but they will accept it as just another thing that will one day happen to them.
They will start to see puberty as being a normal thing that happens to everyone, which is a good thing!
Why you need to talk to your child about puberty
Sometimes it can feel as if there are more reasons not to talk about puberty than there are to talk.
What if you say too much and overwhelm them? What if you say too little and misinform them? Do females need to understand puberty differently than males? How do you talk without embarrassing them or yourself? What if they’re uninterested or walk away while you are talking?
You’re not alone as most parents have the same doubts. They wonder whether talking to their child is the right thing to do.
Well, I’m telling you that it is the right thing to do. By having the puberty talk with your child, they’ll be better equipped to deal with the changes that are happening to them. Which means they’re more likely to find puberty a breeze instead of a hurricane!
Plus, by talking to your child about puberty, you’re actually letting them know that they can turn to you for support, guidance and information that they will need during this important stage of their life.
Find practical tools to educate kids about puberty in the Sex Ed Shop
What your child needs to know about puberty
Your child needs to know about the changes – physical, emotional and social – that will be happening to them.
So they need to know about the physical changes, like pubic hair, breasts, vaginal discharge and menstruation (menstrual period).
Getting their period means that they will now be fertile, which means that they could become pregnant if they have unprotected sexual intercourse with a boy (or child with a male body).
Your child also needs to know that they might start to have sexy thoughts or feelings and that they may start to think about boys and/or girls in a more romantic way.
They may start to masturbate more often or for the first time.
Puberty is the time when kids start to see sex as something that they will someday want to do.
So don’t forget to tell them that having sex with someone is a big responsibility and that they don’t need to express their sexual feelings in this way (just yet). This is also a great time to start talking about what sexual behaviours and attitudes are okay, and not okay, in your family.
Don’t forget to let your child know that they are normal and that their friends are going through puberty as well.
During puberty, there are a lot of changes happening to their body, brain and emotions that can make them feel different. So make sure they know that they can always come and talk to you about anything. No matter how embarrassing it might be!
How to start the puberty talk
Today, we talk about puberty differently to how our parents talked to us about it. We now know that having one big talk doesn’t work.
And that kids learn best by having lots of small frequent conversations that you keep on repeating.
You start off with the basics and slowly keep on adding more details as your child gets older and more interested in the topic.
Try to talk about the changes that are happening now as well as the ones to come.
Kids are usually only interested in learning about stuff that is relevant. So you can tell them about sexually transmitted infections when they are 10 or 11, but they won’t be interested in the details until it is relevant ie when they are ready to start thinking about having sex themselves.
It is the same for us parents! You probably had no interest in choosing a school until your child was finally old enough to start going to school! And then, all of a sudden, it became a topic that you needed to look into. Our kids are the same.
So as well as talking to your daughter in an everyday way about puberty, you can also look at buying some books for her to read. You will find some fantastic puberty books for girls.
Looking for more puberty resources? Then visit my Puberty 101 page!
Do they need to know about the changes different bodies through?
Yes, they do need to know that males (or people with testicles) go through puberty and what some of their changes will be. Most of the changes in bodies with testicles are the same but some, like erections and wet dreams, are different.
Which parent should be talking?
When you take an everyday approach where your child will see puberty as a normal part of growing up, it is helpful if both parents can talk to them about it. This way they’ll know that they can come to either of you with any questions or concerns they may have about their changing body.
Some kids are comfortable talking about their changing body with their father, but some aren’t. Let your child guide you as to what they are or aren’t comfortable with. If you get the sense that they aren’t comfortable, try to involve a female that your child trusts, such as an aunt, an older cousin, or a family friend in the conversation.
More puberty resources
Don’t forget that you can find more puberty resources in the Sex Ed Shop.
Like The Parents’ Guide to Puberty, which will help you to wrap your head around puberty and how to help your child as their body changes.
I hope that helps you to start talking to your daughter (or child with ovaries) about puberty.
Happy talking!
❤️ Cath
References
- Adolescence and Puberty. Edited by John Bancroft and June Machover Reinisch. 1990. Oxford University Press. New York.
- Gender Differences at Puberty. Edited by Chris Haywood. 2003. Cambridge University Press. Cambridge.
- Handbook of Child and Adolescent Sexuality: Developmental and Forensic Psychology. Edited by Daniel S. Bromberg and William T. O’Donohue. 2013. Elsevier. Academic Press. Oxford.
- Puberty: Physiology and Abnormalities by Philip Kumanov and Ashok Agarwal. 2016. Springer International Publishing. Switzerland.