Let’s talk about whether you should buy your teenager a vibrator, as we get a lot of questions about it in my free Facebook sex education group for parents, that parent group.
And whenever a parent posts about whether they should buy their teen a sex toy (or not), it goes off like a bomb! 💣 Some parents are all for it while others are vehemently against it, and both sides will passionately defend their values!
So…
I’m not going to tell you whether you should or shouldn’t buy one. That is up to you and your teen!
Instead, I am going to share the different things you should consider before making a decision. And there is a lot to consider, like in some countries and/or states it is illegal to buy a sex toy for a minor.
This blog post is based on my thoughts as a Clinical Sexuality Educator with over 25 years of experience and knowledge and a special interest in child sexual development (healthy and unhealthy). I have also worked as a sex therapist and have been coaching parents with sexual behaviours in their children for a very long time. I have seen a lot over the years!
And importantly…
Please remember that your teen is your child! You are the parent, not me, and you know your teen better than anyone does! I want you to make a decision that is aligned with your values and that allows you to foster healthy sexual development in your child.
Let’s get started!
If you are feeling clueless about sex toys, then you can relax! As I have found a 28-page sex toy guide from an aussie sexologist that tells you everything you need to know. You can find it at Sex with Elaine. (If you can’t find it on their website, I have also saved it into this dropbox folder.)
What to consider before deciding whether your teen should have a sex toy (or not)
Be aware of the laws in your state/country regarding sex toys and minors. Type into a search engine ‘ Can I buy a (the age of your child) a sex toy in (the state or country you live in)’. So for me, I would type, ‘Can I buy a 17 year old a sex toy in Western Australia’.
All parenting partners should be aware and in agreement if a sex toy is allowed. Especially if you have separated, and are still sorting out child custody. You don’t want to be seen as a negligent parent. And if you are the step-parent, be very very careful! It is easy to be caught in the middle, and I often hear from stepmothers that their stepchild will talk to them about these things but not their birth mother.
If you allow a sex toy you MUST have conversations with your teen/young adult about sexual pleasure. It’s not a ‘dump and run’ situation. You have to be having conversations plus ensure they know how to safely use it.
Be careful of what you read on ‘sex positive’ sites about the benefits of sex toys. Their information is written for adults and most of the authors don’t have any understanding of child sexual development.
Understand that your teen is still developing. They may already look and act as an adult, but they aren’t. Their body and brain is still developing and won’t be finished until their mid-twenties.
Don’t make assumptions about what your teen already knows. A lot of what you may feel is common-sense or knowledge everyone knows, probably won’t be for your teen.
There is NO RESEARCH on sex toys in children and adolescents in regards to whether it will or won’t harm them.
Be mindful that values and culture will heavily affect your thoughts and feelings on this topic.
Be wary of sex toy reviews as sometimes they are biased as they will recommend the products that they will make more money on (as they are receiving affiliate income if you buy what they recommend).
What is too young?
I hate this question, and I get asked it a lot!
It’s impossible to give you an age, as it isn’t black and white. And every teenager and their circumstances need to be taken into consideration.
So…
I would be very hesitant to allow sex toys for anyone under the age of 14, and preferably to leave it until their mid to late teens. It could potentially cause problems in their short-term and long-term sexual future. They just don’t have the knowledge or the sexual experiences (or the common sense) to fully understand how to use a sex toy safely and more importantly, wisely.
And again, every individual and situation is unique so please make an informed decision. You know your child the best, and how you feel about it.
You also need to consider whether it’s legal (or not) in your part of the world.
If your teen has already made their own DIY sex toy out of a household item, CLICK HERE.
If your teen has asked for a sex toy, CLICK HERE.
If your teen has already bought their own sex toy, CLICK HERE.
If it’s your idea to buy a sex toy for your teen, CLICK HERE.
If you’re still unsure, CLICK HERE.
Your teen has a DIY sex toy
A common situation is when parents discover their teen has been using an electric toothbrush as a sex toy. They might find an electric toothbrush under their teen’s pillow when changing their bedsheets. Or noticed that the battery needs to be recharged more than usual. Or walked into the bathroom and saw their teen using it as a sex toy.
Other household items can be used as well, like a back massager, hair clippers, a power drill, hand mixers or even setting their mobile phone to vibrate.
This can be unsafe as home-made sex toys aren’t designed to be used on genitals. So they may cause injury as well as infections.
So what can you do?
First of all, acknowledge to your teen what you saw (or know), and that it’s okay to feel awkward and uncomfortable talking about this stuff. Let them know if you feel awkward as well.
Normalise masturbation and let them know that lots of teens will start to masturbate (or masturbate more) as they go through puberty, and masturbation is a good way to learn about how their body works.
Gently explore why they were using it. Was it an accidental discovery or did they get the idea from somewhere else? Were they too embarrassed or uncomfortable to ask you to help them buy one? Was it because they didn’t have enough money to buy a sex toy? Was it an idea they got from social media, or Youtube?
Explain why it isn’t safe for them to use the household item as a sex toy.
Tell them what you would like to see happen. You can ask them to not use the household item, and/or remove the household item they are using. But they may find a replacement item from around the house, or just keep on using it.
If you don’t want them to have a sex toy, explain your reasons (including if it is illegal) and talk about safer ways to masturbate. You could provide them with lubricant and encourage them to explore their genitals with their hands. There is lots of information on the internet as well as in sex education books about masturbation. Using their hands (instead of a sex toy) will help them to understand how their body responds to sexual touch, and also learn what type of touch they like. They won’t learn this with a sex toy, and learning this before they are sexual with a partner, will help them to better communicate what they like during sex.
If your teen continues to use household items to masturbate with, you may have to reconsider your decision. As a sex toy may be a safer alternative than what they are currently using. So that is something you may have to think about, and sometimes weighing up the pros and cons can help in making that decision. It’s a tough one, and there is no perfect solution! You may also have to dig a little deeper and see if there is a reason as to why they keep going back to their DIY sex toy. Are they masturbating as a way to relieve stress, are they struggling to stop themselves from using the sex toy, do they need more information on how to masturbate without a sex toy. Put your thinking hat on and try to work out what’s going on.
If you think a sex toy is a safer alternative for your teen (than a DIY sex toy), it is legal, and they are mature enough to care for it and use it safely, then you may want to consider allowing them to have a sex toy.
Making the decision to buy your teen a sex toy can be tough, as a range of different factors need to be taken into consideration. Like their age and stage of sexual development, why they want it, what difference/impact a sex toy makes for them, what conversations have already taken place, their level of sexual maturity, whether there is an intellectual or developmental disability, their sexual and masturbation knowledge and experience. So what you might do for one teenager/young adult might be different for another.
If you allow them a sex toy, make sure they know to keep it clean, they store it in a private place and they should let you know if it breaks, becomes discoloured, shows signs of wear or stops working. You may also need to think about replaceable batteries or where it can be charged. Consider purchasing a lubricant as the skin ‘down there’ is delicate, plus it makes masturbation safer for their genitals and easier to achieve orgasm.
Let them choose their own sex toy. They may have already done some research, and already know what they want. You can hand them your credit card and tell them how much you are willing to spend, and let them choose from an online store. Or you can take them down to your local adult shop, and let the knowledgeable staff there help them choose one. Just call them first, and check they are okay with you bringing a teen into their store.
I would also encourage you to have a conversation with your teen about masturbation. I believe that masturbation is a way for teens to learn how their body responds sexually. It allows them to work out what type of touch they do (or don’t) like on their body. And knowing this means they can (hopefully) one day communicate it with a sexual partner.
Sex toys aren’t always the best way to learn how your body works. They can sometimes speed up sexual arousal, which means you are less likely to notice the little signals your body is giving you. And the focus is often on the sex toy, instead of tuning into the subtleties of sexual arousal in their body.
It’s also important that they masturbate in different ways. What can sometimes happen when teens only masturbate with a vibrator, is that they inadvertently train their body to only respond to vibrations. So when they are with a real person, their genitals may not be as sensitive when touched by a real person. So they need to remember to also masturbate without a sex toy.
Your teen has asked for a sex toy
If your teen has asked you for a sex toy, then congratulations! As it indicates they are comfortable enough about masturbation to talk about it with you. And they want to talk with you about it!
So what can you do?
First of all, it’s important to find out why they want one. You want to check that their reason is legitimate, and not because they think that is what they have to do. Something I often see in teens is the false belief that everyone else is using sex toys, and that they should be as well.
So explore why they want one and what they think it will do for them. If it is legal, and they are mature enough to care for it and use it safely, then you may want to consider it.
Making the decision to buy your teen a sex toy can be tough, as a range of different factors need to be taken into consideration. Like their age and stage of sexual development, why they want it, what difference/impact a sex toy makes for them, what conversations have already taken place, their level of sexual maturity, whether there is an intellectual or developmental disability, their sexual and masturbation knowledge and experience. So what you might do for one teenager/young adult might be different for another.
If you don’t want them to have a sex toy, explain your reasons (including if it is illegal) and talk about other ways to masturbate. You could provide them with lubricant and encourage them to explore their genitals with their hands. There is lots of information on the internet as well as in sex education books about masturbation. Using their hands (instead of a sex toy) will help them to understand how their body responds to sexual touch, and also learn what type of touch they like. They won’t learn this with a sex toy, and learning this before they are sexual with a partner, will help them to better communicate what they like during sex.
If you allow them a sex toy, make sure they know to keep it clean, they store it in a private place and they should let you know if it breaks, becomes discoloured, shows signs of wear or stops working. You may also need to think about replaceable batteries or where it can be charged. Consider purchasing a lubricant as the skin ‘down there’ is delicate, plus it makes masturbation safer for their genitals and easier to achieve orgasm.
Let them choose their own sex toy. They may have already done some research, and already know what they want. You can hand them your credit card and tell them how much you are willing to spend, and let them choose from an online store. Or you can take them down to your local adult shop, and let the knowledgeable staff there help them choose one. Just call them first, and check they are okay with you bringing a teen into their store.
I would also encourage you to have a conversation with your teen about masturbation. I believe that masturbation is a way for teens to learn how their body responds sexually. It allows them to work out what type of touch they do (or don’t) like on their body. And knowing this means they can (hopefully) one day communicate it with a sexual partner.
Sex toys aren’t always the best way to learn how your body works. They can sometimes speed up sexual arousal, which means you are less likely to notice the little signals your body is giving you. And the focus is often on the sex toy, instead of tuning into the subtleties of sexual arousal in their body.
It’s also important that they masturbate in different ways. What can sometimes happen when teens only masturbate with a vibrator, is that they inadvertently train their body to only respond to vibrations. So when they are with a real person, their genitals may not be as sensitive when touched by a real person. So they need to remember to also masturbate without a sex toy.
Your teen has already bought their own sex toy
You’re not alone if this is you. Sometimes parents don’t learn about the sex toy until they see parcels arriving or they find the packaging in the bin. And it doesn’t matter how close a relationship you have with your teen, some kids are just more private about masturbation. So please don’t take it personally!
Now, this one can be very tricky to navigate, especially if they’ve bought it with their own money.
So what can you do?
First of all, acknowledge to your teen what you know, and that it’s okay to feel awkward and uncomfortable talking about this stuff. Let them know if you feel awkward as well.
Normalise masturbation and let them know that lots of teens will start to masturbate (or masturbate more) as they go through puberty, and masturbation is a good way to learn about how their body works.
Gently explore why they bought their sex toy. You want to check that their reason is legitimate, and not because they think that is what they have to do. Something I often see in teens is the false belief that everyone else is using sex toys, and that they should be as well. So explore their reason and why they think they need it. If it is legal, and they are mature enough to care for it and use it safely, then you may want to consider it.
Making the decision to buy your teen a sex toy can be tough, as a range of different factors need to be taken into consideration. Like their age and stage of sexual development, why they want it, what difference/impact a sex toy makes for them, what conversations have already taken place, their level of sexual maturity, whether there is an intellectual or developmental disability, their sexual and masturbation knowledge and experience. So what you might do for one teen/young adult might be different for another.
If you don’t want them to have a sex toy, explain your reasons (including if it is illegal) and talk about other ways to masturbate. You could provide them with lubricant and encourage them to explore their genitals with their hands. There is lots of information on the internet as well as in sex education books about masturbation. Using their hands (instead of a sex toy) will help them to understand how their body responds to sexual touch, and also learn what type of touch they like. They won’t learn this with a sex toy, and learning this before they are sexual with a partner, will help them to better communicate what they like during sex.
Making the decision to buy your teen a sex toy can be tough, as a range of different factors need to be taken into consideration. Like their age and stage of sexual development, why they want it, what difference/impact a sex toy makes for them, what conversations have already taken place, their level of sexual maturity, whether there is an intellectual or developmental disability, their sexual and masturbation knowledge and experience. So what you might do for one teenager/young adult might be different for another.
If you do allow them a sex toy, make sure they know to keep it clean, they store it in a private place and they should let you know if it breaks, becomes discoloured, shows signs of wear or stops working. You may also need to think about replaceable batteries or where it can be charged. Consider purchasing a lubricant as the skin ‘down there’ is delicate, plus it makes masturbation safer for their genitals and easier to achieve orgasm.
I would also encourage you to have a conversation with your teen about masturbation. I believe that masturbation is a way for teens to learn how their body responds sexually. It allows them to work out what type of touch they do (or don’t) like on their body. And knowing this means they can (hopefully) one day communicate it with a sexual partner.
Sex toys aren’t always the best way to learn how your body works. They can sometimes speed up sexual arousal, which means you are less likely to notice the little signals your body is giving you. And the focus is often on the sex toy, instead of tuning into the subtleties of sexual arousal in their body.
It’s also important that they masturbate in different ways. What can sometimes happen when teens only masturbate with a vibrator, is that they inadvertently train their body to only respond to vibrations. So when they are with a real person, their genitals may not be as sensitive when touched by a real person. So they need to remember to also masturbate without a sex toy.
It’s your idea to buy one
I see a lot of parents in my free Facebook sex education group for parents, that parent group, wondering if they should ask their teenager/young adult if they would like a sex toy.
And that is a decision that only you can make!
You can ask them if you want to, as long as you are also willing to have conversations about sexual pleasure and masturbation. It also has to be their decision. Please don’t pressure them into it.
And please don’t feel that you have to ask them. They don’t need a sex toy to explore their body. They aren’t missing out on anything if they don’t have one. They can still masturbate without a sex toy. And you won’t be the only parent who hasn’t had this conversation!
If you’re still unsure…
As I was researching this blog post, I stumbled upon a TED Talk from Dr. Robyn Buckley, Why I gave my teenage daughter a vibrator. Robyn shares her own personal story of empowering her teenage daughter to explore the power of pleasure and encourages parents to talk to their teens about healthy sexual development, as well as why the awkward conversations are worth it.
So I encourage you to watch it, as it is enlightening.