Letās talk about sexual behaviours in children, as we get a lot of questions about it in my free Facebook sex education group for parents, that parent group.
Like a lot of questions! I also see a lot of uncertainty and concern in parents, as they don’t know if they should be worried (or not). And if their child’s sexual behaviour is inappropriate, harmful, or problematic, then finding the right professional to assist is even more difficult!
Most of the time, the āsexual thingā your child is doing is typical and developmentally appropriate.
Butā¦ just because itās healthy doesnāt mean we let them keep doing it!
We must provide them with information to satisfy their curiosity, monitor them, and introduce boundaries and/or guidance to keep them safe. You might do all of these things or just a few.
And even though we sometimes allow parents to ask questions about problematic sexual behaviours in that parent group, sometimes the advice from parents is incorrect and alarming.
And as much as Iād love to write a definitive guide on what to do when kids do āsexual thingsā, I canāt.
As it isnāt black and white.
Every child is different, and your child’s sexual behaviour is influenced by many different factors. This means that what works for another child may not work for you.
So…
This blog post is designed to reduce the feeling of being overwhelmed and point you towards the resources that will help you!
PLEASE NOTE: Sometimes children display sexual behaviours because maybe theyāve been exposed to porn, over-sexualised, or have been touched inappropriately by another child or adult. In this situation, you must keep your child (and other children) safe while you investigate why this is happening and how to stop it.
Where do I start?
Each week I read dozens of posts from worried parents about sexual behaviours in my free Facebook sex education group for parents,Ā that parent group. And often, they need more than what a parent can get from a Facebook group.
So I have created a Parent Masterclass about worrying sexual behaviours to help you to work out whether the sexual behaviours you are worrying about are harmful, and if you need to seek professional support. This masterclass is free, or you can pay what you can, and it is priced this way as I donāt want the cost to be a barrier to parents in need.
It will provide you with a step-by-step process of what you can do.
How to be a sexual behaviour detective
There is always a reason for sexual behaviours. So, I am going to show you how to do your own detective work to uncover why your child is displaying problematic sexual behaviours and what to do about it.
What sexual behaviour/s does your child have?
Sexual behaviours can be explained in many different ways.
We have what is commonly referred to as typical, age-appropriate, or healthy sexual behaviours, i.e. sexual behaviours we typically see in children as they grow up.
We have inappropriate sexual behaviours, which I interpret as sexual behaviours that aren’t appropriate for their current age and/or stage of development.
We have harmful sexual behaviours, where their sexual behaviour harms either themselves and/or another person.
And we have problematic sexual behaviours, where their sexual behaviour is causing problems for themself and/or others.
Problematic sexual behaviour is the term I will be using in this blog post, as problematic sexual behaviours may also be inappropriate and/or harmful. So I like it because it is a broader term to use.
We are going to start by looking at whether your child’s sexual behaviours are healthy (or not) for their current stage of sexual development. If your child has any developmental delays (or is less mature than their peers), then you may need to look at the age group below their current age.
My favourite parent resource on childhood sexual development and sexual behaviours is Raising Children (in Australia). It’s evidence-based, up-to-date and non-commercial.
So choose the guide that is relevant for your child, read it and think about whether your child or teen’s sexual behaviours are healthy (or not): 0 to 3 years, 4 to 6 years, 7 to 9 years, 10 to 11 years, 12 to 14 years and 15 to 17 years.
You will find more parent resources about sexual behaviours towards the end of this blog post.
Are any of your child’s sexual behaviours problematic?
If your child does not have any problematic sexual behaviours, then that is great news! And you will find more resources to support you with sexual behaviours towards the end of this blog post.
If your child does have some problematic sexual behaviours, what are they?
Have you had a conversation with your child about their problematic behaviour? If you haven’t, then start a conversation and try to learn more about what they are doing. Try to work out why they are doing it, be curious and try to understand what’s happening. What you learn from your child about their problematic behaviour will help you to find a solution.
Grab some blank pieces of paper and a pen. You will do some mind mapping, as it is a great tool for problem-solving!
We will start by mapping out the problem (ie their sexual behaviour/s). I want you to make the problem the central idea of your first mind map.
Next, I want you to start writing down your thoughts on why they are doing it and the possible reasons. Write down everything you can think of, even if you think it is silly or irrelevant. The purpose is to think of as many ideas as you can.
By exploring the problem in this way, you should begin to realise why the problem occurred and what you can do to improve the situation.
I want you to step away from this activity for ten to fifteen minutes. Make yourself a cup of tea (or coffee), or sit outside in fresh air. Take a break from what you’ve just done and clear your head to have a fresh perspective when you return to this activity.
When you return, look at your mind map and see if there’s anything else to add to it. Look at each idea, and think about whether it is relevant (or not). Jot down any additional thoughts you might have about it. If it isn’t relevant, then cross it out.
Grab a clean sheet of paper, as it is time to start thinking about your solutions, i.e. what you will do about their problematic sexual behaviour. We are going to look at each problem individually. So if they have three problems, then you’ll need three pieces of paper.
I want you to write one problematic sexual behaviour on your new piece of paper own piece of paper. I want you to make the problem the central idea of your first mind map.
Now, I want you to look at your first mind map and try to think of some solutions. What are some things you can do to help stop this problematic behaviour from happening?
Have a look at your possible reasons. If they are relevant, what can you do to address them? Is there a gap in knowledge? Do they need some limitations ( or boundaries) put in place? Do you need to create a new rule? What are your values about it? Do they know there is a problem with their behaviour? Do they know what behaviour is expected of them instead?
Write down your thoughts.
By the end of this mind mapping activity, you should have a better understanding of their problematic sexual behaviour, why they might be doing it, and some ideas on what you can do about it.
Implement those strategies and see if it makes a difference.
Just in case this is relevantā¦ I also have some other sex-ed resource lists that may help you! I have a list ofĀ sex education resources for autistic children and teens, another forĀ sex education resources for children and teens with ADHD as well as FASD (Fetal alcohol spectrum disorder). And another list ofĀ sex education resources for children with a disability.
How do I find professional help?
Finding the right professional to help you and your child can be very challenging. Many of them don’t have a good understanding of healthy sexual development, and it isn’t something you will hear other parents openly talking about!
So I will share my suggestions from my Parent Masterclass on worrying sexual behaviours and on how to find professional help.
Mandatory reporting
Mandatory reporting is a legislative requirement in many countries and states throughout the world, where professionals who work with children are legally required to report any cases of suspected child abuse and neglect. Sexual behaviours between children are often reported.
So you may want to google mandatory reporting and the name of your state and/or country to learn what laws are applicable.
Australia
RaisingChildren.net.au have a great suggestion on what you can do to find professional support.
ItāsĀ essential to get professional supportĀ for children who are engaging in harmful sexual behaviour. If children get professional support, it will help to stop the behaviour. It will also mean children are unlikely to continue this behaviour as adults.
The first step is to visit your GP to ask for a referral to a professional or specialist service for your child or the child youāre caring for. Depending on your childās needs and available services, this could be aĀ psychologist,Ā social workerĀ orĀ advocate involving individual or group programs.
You can ask your GP for help to find the right service or professional for your child. You might want to look for someone who:
- specialises in working with children
- has training and experience in working with children who have engaged in harmful sexual behaviour
- is the gender your child prefers.
Professionals can develop a treatment and support plan to help your child. They can also help you to understand the steps you need to take in your situation.
You might be able to arrange a trial appointment to see whether the professional is a good fit for you and your child.
Support services differ from state to state. Many states have specialist-funded services for children who have engaged in harmful sexual behaviour. Some private clinics and professionals also specialise in this area. TheseĀ helplines and servicesĀ can be good places to start to find out whatās available in your area.
America
Safer Society Press is a non-profit organisation that is committed to ending sexual abuse and personal violence. They maintain a database of clinicians from around North America who work with sexual abusers, children with sexual behaviour problems, and survivors of abuse.
United Kingdom
NSPCC has a helpful page with information on where to find professional help and support.
Other countries
Apologies if your country isn’t included or if there isn’t anyone nearby. But I do have a tip that could help you to find someone. Ring your local child welfare/protection office and ask them for the names of clinicians who work with children displaying harmful sexual behaviours. They should be able to share with you the names of those they work with locally.
You can also anonymously ring your child/community health centre, women’s health centre, sexual health clinic, childrenās ward (at the hospital), child protection, local council, police, or psychologists and ask if they can recommend anyone who works with harmful sexual behaviours. They should be able to suggest a name or someone who might know.
Resources for specific sexual behaviours
There is a lot of content on Sex Ed Rescue, so I will share the blog posts that specifically target different sexual behaviours.
The easiest way to find it is to visit my page of practical solutions for common (sexed) parenting problems. It includes tips, tools and tactics for common concerns about masturbation, looking at porn, when kids are playing doctor or are looking at genitals, and more. I won’t list them individually as I am constantly adding new content to it. So please let me know if your concern isn’t in there.
Autistic children and teens
Raising Children (in Australia) has a guide on problematic and harmful sexual behaviours in autistic children and teenagers.
Resources for teens with worrying sexual behaviours
Whatās OK?Ā is a free American site that is both a website and a helpline that offers free, confidential support and resources to youth and young adults (ages 14-21) with concerns about their own or a friendās sexual thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. This site gives them answers to questions they would usually be too ashamed to ask.
These are some of their most common questions, and they may be helpful for you and your teen.
- Is this normal sexual behaviour? Is it safe?
- Is what Iām attracted to ānormalā?
- What do I do if my sexual behaviours have harmed someone?
- What do I do if Iām worried about someone elseās sexual interests or behaviours?
- What kind of help is available if Iām struggling with safe sexual behaviours or worried about my attractions?
- Where can I find help if Iāve been sexually abused?
- How can I stay safe in online relationships?
- How do I ask for help?
Children’s books
There are also some childrenās books that may help reinforce the message that children shouldnāt be touching other peopleās genitals.
Gary Just Didnāt Know the Rules by Holly-ann Martin (one of the few books that are written for the sole purpose of teaching children that they should not be touching another childās genitals).
Only for Me by Michelle Derrig clearly outlines that kids shouldnāt be touching another childās genitals (and vice versa).
My Underpants Rule by Kate & Rod Power also talks about not touching other peopleās genitals.
My list of children’s books about body safety. These books will teach your child that they are the boss of their body and some of the other important body safety messages.
My list of children’s books about protective behaviours that are helpful for starting conversations that will help to prevent child sexual abuse.
My list of children’s books about sexual abuse. These books are gentle and will help you to explain what sexual abuse is to your child.
Resources about sexual behaviours (for parents)
Although you may feel alone with what’s happening, you aren’t! There are some really good resources out there to help you move forward!
I have an extensive list of practical solutions for common sex-ed parenting problems. It includes over 35 of the most common topics parents ask me about!
Berry Street (in Australia) break down sexual behaviours into a list of age-appropriate, concerning and very concerning for the different age groups.
NAAC (in North America) has information onĀ how to parent children or youth who are sexually reactive i.e. when a child reacts in a sexual manner to things that happen.
NSPCC (in the UK) has advice for parents on healthy and unhealthy sexual behaviour in children and teenagers, including what to do if you’re worried.
True Sexual Health (in Australia) explains how to respond positively to healthy and safe sexual behaviours in children.
Raising Children (in Australia) has a nice overview of what might be seen as problematic and harmful sexual behaviour in children and teenagers aged 0 to 3 years, 4 to 6 years, 7 to 9 years, 10 to 11 years, 12 to 14 years and 15 to 17 years.
Stop It Now (in the UK) has helpful information on what to do if you are concerned about a child or young personās sexual behaviour.