Let’s talk about whether you can have sex in the same bed (or room with your child), as we get a lot of questions about it in my free Facebook sex education group for parents, that parent group. Especially when families co-sleep, their partner works shifts, and/or they live in a small house or in shared accommodation. Not all parents have the privilege of their own bedroom!
It’s a common question. And whenever the question is asked in the group, it goes off like a bomb! 💣
With half the group saying it is okay to and the other half saying it is illegal and you should be shot! So having sex in the same room (or bed) whilst your baby or toddler is asleep, is a very contentious topic!
So because this is a topic parents like to argue about, I am going to answer your question for you. I’ll let you know whether it’s safe, when it should stop and why. And if sex can’t happen in another room or at another time, I’ll share how to make it safer and less traumatic for your child.
Can you have sex in the same room (or bed) as your child?
Well, it depends on a few different things, like your living situation, the age of your child, how loud and active the sex is, and your comfort level. Not every family has the luxury of a private space for sex.
So…
If the thought of having sex in the same room/bed as your child makes you feel uncomfortable, then don’t do it. Find another room in the house to do it. Or delay sex for another day or time.
And if you want to know whether it’s safe and when it should stop, then keep on reading…
TIP: Kid-free time with your partner can be expensive, especially if you don’t have family nearby to rely on for free babysitting (like me). So I will share what I used to do when my own children were younger.
Something I used to do with friends (who were also parents) was to do a playdate swap. Where a friend would have my kids for the afternoon, and I would then have her kids at another time. This then gave me and my partner a kid-free house and the perfect opportunity for some quality sex together.
I also used to do a babysitting swap. Where I would look after their kids one night, and they would look after mine another night. This gives you kid-free time out of the house and with your partner, and the opportunity to connect without the constant demands of children!
One of my friends belonged to a babysitting co-op, where they had fancy tickets that they traded with each other. I’ve managed to find a blog post that explains the steps to organise a baby-sitting co-op. They are even selling a kit to save you all the work (I’m not an affiliate but I am sharing this as it will save you time).
What about sex when it’s a sleeping baby in the room?
If you have a sleeping baby, it is perfectly okay to have sex in the same bed/room with them.
The type of sex parents often have in this situation, will usually be quieter and less frantic. As they are inhibited by the presence of their child and the fear of them waking up. So use your common sense and do what feels comfortable (and safe) for you.
So if your baby wakes up whilst you’re ‘doing it’, they won’t be traumatised as they won’t know what you are doing. Just stop what you’re doing, and settle your child back to sleep or meet their needs (dry nappy, a feed, entertainment).
It is only abuse if the sex happens because the baby is there (ie you or your partner are aroused by the knowledge that your baby is in the same room), if you allow the baby to watch, and things like that.
I also want to mention that sex in the same bed or room with a sleeping baby is often about convenience. I have found that most parents will usually try to find an alternative place or time for sex, and that sex with a sleeping baby nearby is often a last resort.
What if the baby is already awake?
Most parents will wait until their baby is asleep. Sex is much more enjoyable when you can focus on your partner, and that is difficult to do if you’re worrying about the baby. Have a read of this blog post as it talks about sex and intimacy after having a baby.
So…
If you are comfortable with it, and the awake baby is safe and content, then it is okay to have sex in the same room as them. Try to keep the sex quiet though so you don’t alarm your baby, and stop when they need your attention.
What about sex in the same room with older sleeping children?
Eventually, the time will arise, when you will need to find a private space and time for sex to happen. Away from your sleeping children.
Knowing when this time has arrived, is challenging. As it is different for every child, and what one family is comfortable with, another may not be.
You’ll know this time has arrived when your child becomes cognitively aware of what you are doing. They won’t know that you are having sex, but they are aware that you are doing something, and may even be observing what you are doing.
So…
If you choose to have sex (when your sleeping child is in the same room), it needs to be quieter (in case they wake up), and you should be underneath the covers (so they can’t see as much if they do wake up). It should also be a sexual activity that won’t alarm your child if they do wake up and see what you are doing. So keep it vanilla and conservative!
And if they do wake up, you should immediately stop what you are doing, and check in with your child. If your child does awake, then this blog post outlines what to do if your child sees you having sex.
And if ever you feel uncomfortable with what is happening, then it’s time for sex to happen away from sleeping children.
It is only abuse if the sex happens because the sleeping child is with you (ie you or your partner are aroused by the knowledge that your sleeping child is in the same room), if you allow the child to watch, and things like that.
What if the child is already awake?
If your child is already awake and cognitively aware of what is happening around them, then you should not have sex in the same room as them. It is time to find a more private space for sex.
So my advice is that it shouldn’t happen. As it can be harmful to your child, plus it may be interpreted as abusive.
We live in a world where parents are now more aware of how to prevent sexual abuse. And throughout the world, legislation now exists about mandatory reporting. This is where people who work with children are required (by law) to notify relevant government/state authorities (police and/or child protection) when they suspect child abuse or neglect. So if your child discloses what they have seen, you may end up getting a knock on your door from the Authorities and losing custody of your child.
So, please don’t do it.
Is it harmful? To have sex in the same room as a child?
There is always a consequence to any actions you take as a parent. So I’ll share some of the things that could happen if children become aware of what their parents are doing.
Kids are often scared when they see adults having sex. Think about it, sex noises can sound as if someone is being hurt – lots of grunting, groaning, gasping, whimpering and slapping sounds. So if they wake up, they will be scared as they may think someone is being hurt.
Kids are a lot more observant than you’d think and will notice that something is going on. So if they do wake up, they will notice that something is happening. Plus seeing and hearing too much sex can affect healthy child sexual development.
It’s a passion killer. It is hard to focus on your partner and/or yourself when you also have to monitor your child to check they are still asleep (and not watching you).
You could lose custody of your child. Child protection services could become involved if you are having sex in the same room as an observant child. Plus there is always the possibility that your child will start displaying unhealthy sexual behaviour that places them and other children at risk.
At the end of the day, it is just safer (and more enjoyable) to find a different place to be sexual.
How to make it safer for children
Now, after having worked in sexual for over 25 years, I am very aware that we all live in different situations, and that for some parents, there may not be any alternatives.
So…
If there isn’t a different place to have sex when children are sleeping, then try to keep the sex quiet, play background music or have the tv on (to distract your child if they do wake up), dim the lights (or have lights off), keep as many clothes on as you can, keep an eye on your child (to make sure they are truly asleep and not awake or pretending to be asleep but listening) and make it quick sex.
These things will help to minimise any potential harm for your child. Plus kill any passion too! Sorry! 🤷
And, I hope that answers your question!