A Parent’s Guide to Understanding Intersex & Talking with Your Children

In today’s world, children are asking thoughtful questions and encountering a wide range of identities earlier than ever. One of those identities is intersex. You might be wondering: What does intersex mean? How do I explain it to my child? How can I be respectful and supportive myself?

Let’s walk through it together.

You’ll find more information about sex education in my Sex Education 101 page.

Let’s get started!

What Does “Intersex” Mean?

Intersex is a term used when a person is born with sex characteristics that don’t fit the typical definitions of strictly “male” or “female.” These characteristics can involve:

• Genitals (like a penis, vulva, or something that doesn’t look clearly like either),
• Gonads (ovaries or testes – or sometimes both),
• Chromosomes (like XX or XY, but some people have variations like XXY, XO, or other combinations),
• Hormone levels (which may affect development during puberty),
• Or a combination of the above.

Think of it like this: most of us are taught that bodies are either male or female, like flipping a coin. But biology is more like a beautiful spectrum. Intersex people naturally occur along that spectrum.

Some Specific Examples

Here are a few ways intersex traits might show up (though not an exhaustive list):

• Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome (AIS): A person has XY chromosomes (typically associated with males), but their body doesn’t respond to testosterone in the usual way. They may have a typically feminine appearance.
• Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia (CAH): A genetic condition where XX (female) individuals may be born with genitals that appear more typically male.
• Klinefelter Syndrome: A person has an extra X chromosome (XXY) and might have traits that span male and female development.
• 5-Alpha-Reductase Deficiency: A condition affecting testosterone conversion, where someone may be assigned female at birth but develop more male traits at puberty.

Remember: many intersex people don’t find out they’re intersex until puberty or adulthood, and some may never know unless they have medical testing for something unrelated.

What Intersex Is Not

Let’s clear up a couple of common misunderstandings:

• Intersex is not a medical problem. It’s a natural variation in human biology. Like being left-handed, it’s just part of who someone is.
• It’s not rare. In fact, it’s about as common as having green eyes – around 1 in 2,000 births, though exact numbers vary worldwide.
• It’s not a “third gender.” Intersex is about physical traits. Some intersex people identify as male or female, some as nonbinary, and others with different gender identities.

Why It Matters

For decades, intersex people were often misunderstood or made invisible in conversations about gender and biology. Many have experienced shame, secrecy, and even non-consensual medical procedures. By talking openly and respectfully about intersex people with your children, you help create a safer, kinder world – one where everyone can be who they are.

How to Talk to Your Kids About Intersex People

No matter your child’s age, you can talk to them about intersex people in a way that’s age-appropriate and affirming.

For Young Kids (Ages 3–7)

At this age, kids are curious and open-hearted. You can say:

“Most people are born with bodies that doctors call male or female, but some people are born with a mix of both. That’s called being intersex. It’s just one of the many ways bodies can be.”

Keep it simple, use picture books if you can (see suggestions below), and emphasise that all bodies are good bodies.

For Primary/Elementary Kids (Ages 8–12)

Now you can introduce a bit more nuance:

“Being intersex means someone was born with a body that doesn’t fit exactly into what we usually call male or female. Some people are intersex and don’t even know it. What’s important is that every person gets to decide who they are, and nobody should be treated differently because of their body.”

You can also start conversations about fairness, respect, and bodily autonomy. Encourage questions, and if you don’t know the answer, it’s okay to say, “Let’s learn about it together.”

For Teens (13+)

Teens are ready for more complex conversations:

“There’s a lot we’re taught about how bodies ‘should’ be, but human biology is more diverse than we often hear about. Intersex people have always existed, but society hasn’t always treated them well. Learning about intersex people helps us question unfair systems and support human rights.”

Invite your teen into discussions about consent, gender expectations, and the importance of inclusive policies. Respect their insights, they might surprise you with how much they already know!

Tips for Supportive Conversations

• Be open and non-judgmental. Your tone sets the stage. If you’re calm and curious, your child will be too.
• Admit when you don’t know something. It’s powerful to model learning together.
• Use inclusive language. Saying “people of all genders” or “not everyone fits into just ‘boy’ or ‘girl’” broadens their understanding and encourages open-mindedness.
• Celebrate diversity. Help your child see that human differences are not problems to be fixed – they’re part of what makes the world interesting and beautiful!
• Talk about respect and kindness. Remind your child that it’s never okay to tease or judge someone for how their body looks or how they identify.

Resources to Explore Together

Books for Kids:

• “What Makes a Baby” by Cory Silverberg – Inclusive and accurate for all kinds of families and bodies.
• “It Feels Good to Be Yourself” by Theresa Thorn – A book about gender identity that includes intersex people.
• “My Rainbow” by Trinity and DeShanna Neal – A heartwarming story about a gender-diverse family.

Books/Resources for Parents:

• “Raising Rosie: Our Story of Parenting an Intersex Child” by Eric and Stephani Lohman
• InterACT Advocates for Intersex Youth (interactadvocates.org) – A great source for education and advocacy.

Final Thoughts

You don’t need to be an expert to raise compassionate kids. By being open, honest, and kind, you’re teaching your children to see and respect all kinds of people – including intersex people.

The world is filled with wonderful differences, and our job as parents is to help our kids navigate it with love and empathy for all no matter their identity!

References

https://genderrights.org.au/information-hub/intersex-for-parents/

https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/13691058.2021.1899529

https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/urology/articles/10.3389/fruro.2023.1089198/full

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QBOv-8aJ2o4