Talking to children about erections | Helpful tips & advice
Let’s talk about erections in children, as it is a topic that a lot of parents ask me about.
A lot of parents want to know how to explain child erections. They will ask me, ‘When do boys start getting erections?’. Or their child may have started asking questions about why their penis grows bigger or harder. Or an older child may ask about why their sibling’s penis sometimes sticks out.
As a parent, child erections can be challenging as we often associate erections with sex. So it is perfectly understandable if answering child erection questions can make you feel uncomfortable. As adults, we see an erection as a part of sex, and seeing your child’s erect penis or answering their questions about them, can feel awkward. Plus, we often worry about whether we are giving them too much information, as many of us worry about whether our child is ready to hear about sex.
So how do you talk to a child about erections in an age-appropriate way?
You’ll find more information about puberty for children with testicles on my Male Puberty page and everything else about puberty on my Puberty 101 page.
You can learn more information about bodies and body parts on my Sex Education 101 page.
Let’s get started!
When do children start getting erections?
So when do children (with a penis) start getting erections? Or boners (as they are commonly called).
‘Little boy’ erections start from the very beginning. Child erections are just one of those things that happen and show that your child’s penis is working properly.
By ‘working properly’, I mean that their penis is capable of becoming erect so that when they are grown up, they can use it for the penetration part of sexual intercourse.
Your child’s penis has been in ‘working order’ from the very beginning as a newborn. Some say that this was even happening when they were in utero, as a fetus inside your pregnant uterus.
So it is completely natural and healthy for your child to have erections throughout the day and night. And all it means is that their penis is working properly.
Now, don’t be surprised if you don’t notice your child’s erections until they are a toddler. I receive quite a few questions from parents about toddler erections too! So you can relax, as there is no sexual meaning whatsoever behind your toddler’s erection.
How does an erection happen?
Erections are all about increased blood flow to the penis.
The brain sends a chemical message to the blood vessels in the penis. The arteries relax and open to let more blood in. At the same time, the veins close, trapping the blood inside the penis. There is a lot of spongy tissue inside the penis.
When it is filled with blood, that soft spongy tissue will go firm or hard, making the penis expand because of all the extra blood inside it. The penis will become larger, firmer, and stand out from the body. It is now erect.
When the erection is over, the veins relax, letting the extra blood back into the body. At the same time, the arteries will close, only letting a small amount of blood into the penis. The penis then becomes soft again.
And that is how an erection happens, regardless of whether they are a baby, toddler, child, tween or teen!
Find practical tools to educate kids about bodies and body parts in the Sex Ed Shop
Why does my child have erections?
Child erections usually happen for no particular reason at all.
We call these a spontaneous or involuntary erection, i.e. when the penis becomes erect for no particular reason. Sometimes, it can happen when they are overexcited during play or other intense occasions, such as birthday parties. It can also happen when they have a full bladder and need to go to the toilet. As your child gets older and goes through puberty, voluntary erections begin to happen, i.e. they start to happen more frequently because of sexual thoughts and feelings.
Puberty is the time when the body starts to change into an adult body that is capable of reproducing. This means that as well as being fertile and having an adult body, the brain also changes. This means that for the first time, your child will start to have sexual thoughts and feelings, resulting in an erection.
They’ll still have spontaneous or involuntary erections that happen for no particular reason, but these will now start occurring more frequently, often in the wrong place or time. And eventually, as they progress through puberty, spontaneous erections become less common.
As they go through puberty, kids will notice morning erections, i.e., erections that happen upon waking up in the morning. This is often called morning wood and can happen for various reasons. So if you’re unsure about how to explain morning wood to your child, just explain that it happens to lots of kids, and it means that their penis is working properly.
What about erections that happen when changing nappies or at bath time?
Why do erections happen at this time? Erections happen to the penis in all babies and toddlers, i.e. they all get them, and it can happen for a number of different reasons. They might have a full bladder and need to pee, or it might be because of the sudden exposure to air as the nappy comes off. It can also happen in response to touch, i.e. your child grabbing their genitals when the nappy is off, or when you have to touch their penis as you clean up poo or apply cream or wash their genitals. They can happen when your child is asleep and awake.
More often than not, an erection is just something that happens for no obvious reason at all. And all it means is that their penis is working properly and their blood flow (in and out of the penis) is functioning as it is meant to be. Plus, the penis has thousands of nerves in it, which means it is sensitive, and any type of touch can trigger an erection.
Is their erection sexual? A lot of parents feel uncomfortable with erections because it feels sexual to them. Now, this isn’t surprising considering erections in an adult are usually associated with sex, and if you don’t have a penis yourself, then you’d be unaware of how often they may happen.
So an erection in a child isn’t sexual, as you aren’t touching their penis for a sexual reason. Also, your child isn’t having sexual thoughts and feelings (that won’t happen until puberty, which is when their body will start to create the hormones that are responsible for sexual feelings).
What should I do when they happen? Honestly, just ignore it. Remind yourself that it means that their penis is working properly or that their blood supply is perfectly healthy. If it only seems to happen when you’re changing their nappy and they grab their genitals, then try to distract them with a toy or a tub of diaper cream. Sing them a song and encourage them to clap their hands (if they are old enough to). Eventually, the novelty of grabbing their genitals will wear off.
What if they happen all the time? So why does it feel like it’s all the time? It’s probably because you’re noticing them.
Let me share a story with you that explains what I mean. I have a bright orange car, and we chose that colour so that I wouldn’t lose it in a carpark (something I often do). And when we first got this car, I was surprised at how many orange cars were out and about on the road! I was noticing lots of them. But the reality was that there wasn’t a large number of orange cars being driven on the road. It just felt like there was because I was noticing them. This is what can happen with erections. If you look out for them, then you’ll notice them, and it may start to feel as if their penis is always erect.
Should you ever worry?
Usually, there isn’t anything to worry about. Child erections are usually completely natural and healthy.
There are a couple of situations, though, when erections can be problematic.
If your child’s erection lasts for more than a few hours or if you notice other unusual symptoms like rash, fever or discoloured skin, then you should seek advice from a health professional.
Priapism, a painful erection that lasts 4 hours or longer, is rare in children but requires urgent treatment.
Phimosis is when the foreskin does not retract past the glans (head) of the penis i.e. the foreskin is tight. And in case you are wondering when the foreskin does retract, the proportion of children in which full retraction is possible is: 10% at 1 year, 50% at 10 years and 99% at 17 years.
You can read more about how to look after your child’s penis and foreskin from The Royal Children’s Hospital Melbourne’s Fact Sheet on penis and foreskin care.
If you are ever unsure, I am a firm believer in trusting your ‘gut instinct’. If your ‘gut instinct’ tells you there is something wrong, then seek advice from a health professional.
Looking for more resources about bodies and body parts? Then visit my Sex Education 101 page!
How to explain erections to your child
So how do you go about explaining erections to your child?
For baby and toddler erections, you can just ignore it or acknowledge the erection. You could just comment that their penis is poking out/getting harder/growing bigger, name it an erection and reassure them that all penises do that. Try to respond in the same matter-of-fact way you would use if talking to them about their toenails!
As your child grows older, there are a number of different conversations you could have.
Let your child know that erections are normal, and they happen to most boys (or kids with a penis). You can find some cartoon illustrations (that include erections) in this child-friendly resource.
Make sure that your child knows that the part they are referring to is called a penis and that when it grows hard (or bigger or however you want to describe it), that is called an erection. You can read more in this article about how to start naming the private parts of their body.
An erection happens when extra blood goes into the penis. It means that their penis is working properly.
You could also explain that their penis is practising for when they are older and are ready to have sex.
As your child approaches puberty, you should let your child know that they will start to have more erections than usual and that they can happen at the wrong time and in the wrong place.
This is also a good time to start talking about wet dreams, ejaculation and sexual feelings.
If you’re unsure how to start talking with your son about these things, then my puberty book for parents will help you.
How to manage an erection
Some children will find their erection annoying and/or embarrassing. So here are some suggestions on what they can do if it is the wrong time or place for an erection.
They could try putting a bag, jumper or book on their lap to make their erection less visible. They could untuck their shirt from their pants or wear one long enough to cover the erection. If they had a jumper, they could tie it around their waist to cover their penis. They could also try using a distraction technique, such as counting or reciting songs or stories, to help them manage unwanted or uncomfortable erections.
Care of the penis & foreskin
A lot of parents are unsure about how to care for the foreskin, especially if their dad is circumcised. The foreskin doesn’t require any special care and should never be forcibly pulled back (retracted) by a parent.
So because this is a question that parents are always asking me, I have written a blog post about Penis and Foreskin Care (for kids of all ages).
More resources about erections
If you’re looking for a comprehensive resource on bodies, check out The Parents’ Guide to Private Body Parts. It’ll help you to teach your child how to talk about all parts of our bodies in a down-to-earth, anatomical, respectful way.
If you’re looking for age-appropriate illustrations of bodies, then have a look at my anatomically correct cartoon illustrations. It includes over 30 pages of both adult and child bodies and bits, and comes with a detailed parent guide on how to use the illustrations and what to talk about.
If craft is more your thing, then you might enjoy my Make your own 3D genitals. It includes step-by-step instructions to make a 3D model of a vulva, clitoris, penis and anus.
Another fun craft activity is my Paper Dolls & Superheroes. Cut, colour and start natural, shame-free conversations about body and gender diversity.
I also have a crash course for parents, Body Curiosity and Inappropriate Touching, where I do a deeper dive into how to manage children when they are curious about genitals.
I have yet to discover a book for kids about erections, but some of the childrens books about private body parts will explain erections, and there are even a couple of books in there that are only about penises.
I hope that helps you with talking to your child about erections.
Happy talking!
❤️ Cath