Does my child have a kink or fetish? Expert advice for parents

Let’s talk about fetishes, kinks and children, as this is something parents do ask me about.

I see questions from parents with children as young as six or seven, as well as questions about tweens and teens.

Their child might have been fascinated with feet from a young age and enjoys looking at shoe catalogues. But lately, they’ve noticed shoe catalogues disappearing into their bedroom, and they think their child is masturbating to them.

Or a parent has found their underwear in their teen’s room. And as they picked them up, wondering how the heck they ended up in there, they realised they were covered in semen.

Or there’s a new baby in the house, and their child wants to wear nappies. Initially, they put it down to regression after a new baby and thought they’d outgrow it. But a couple of years later, they still want to wear them, and they’ve proudly shared that they like to wear their nappy for ‘private time’.

So…

The purpose of this blog post is to help you understand what might be going on with your child and what you can do (as a parent) to support healthy sexual development.

You’ll find more information about sex education in my Sex Education 101 page.

Let’s get started!

Introduction

Welcome to this guide, where we aim to shed light on understanding and supporting young people with kinks and fetishes. Please note that this is not advice but rather information for you to be equipped with if you have a child who has a kink or fetish.

Let’s face it, talking about kink and fetish people in young people is a taboo topic that many parents and caregivers may feel uncomfortable or uncertain discussing. But the reality is, that more and more families are finding themselves needing information and support on this topic.

Their child might have had a fascination with feet from a young age and enjoys looking at shoe catalogues. But lately, they’ve noticed shoe catalogues disappearing into their bedroom, and they think their child is masturbating to them.

Or a parent has found their underwear in their teen’s room. And as they picked them up, wondering how the heck they ended up in there, they realised they were covered in semen.

Or there’s a new baby in the house, and their child wants to wear nappies. Initially, they put it down to regression after a new baby and thought they’d outgrow it. But a couple of years later, they still want to wear them, and they’ve proudly shared that they like to wear their nappies for ‘private time.’

It’s very difficult to find information about kink and fetish behaviour in young people because they are not supposed to be doing it! Yet, as a parent or caregiver, you may be faced with the reality that your child or teenager is exploring this behaviour.

Given the nature of this topic, there is limited research, expert opinions, or case studies to support it. This guide is based on research on adults who engage in kink and fetish behaviour and child sexual development. Additionally, I have used my personal experience working in the kink and fetish community and my background as a sexology student to compile this information.

This guide provides a safe and welcoming space for parents and caregivers to find information and support. Here we offer guidance, share insights, and empower you to navigate this sensitive topic with confidence.

What are kinks and fetishes?

If you want to understand and support a child or teenager with a kink or fetish, it is essential to understand what these terms mean.

Kink

A range of different erotic activities that individuals find fun and exciting that may cause sexual arousal.

This may involve BDSM (bondage and discipline, domination and submission, and sadomasochism) activities such as restraining oneself or others, spanking, power exchange and tickling. Kinks may also involve activities such as role-play or costumes.

Kinks are essentially any sexual behaviours that are considered unconventional or outside of the norm. One person may consider a behaviour to be shockingly unusual, whereas another may see it as perfectly acceptable.

Fetish

A specific object, body part or behaviour that is necessary for an individual to achieve sexual gratification.

Common fetish items include women’s undergarments or shoes, feet, or certain materials like leather or latex.

What’s the difference?

Unlike kinks, the fetish item is usually required for someone’s sexual satisfaction. Many people require the item for arousal, while others can do without but may experience less sexual satisfaction.

Both kinks and fetishes involve unconventional sexual behaviour. Kinks are about the activities, while fetishes are about the object.

The same act may be a kink and a fetish, for example if someone enjoys spanking it is a kink, but if they can’t achieve sexual gratification without it, it becomes a fetish. Kinks are great for enhancing sexual experiences, fetishes are central and required for them.

A kink may also become a fetish when a second person is removed. For example, if an individual enjoys somebody else wearing high heels, it is a kink. But if they are turned on by high heels alone, it is a fetish.

If you would like to learn more about kinks and fetishes, please read this A-Z guide.

References

Brown, A., Barker, E. D., & Rahman, Q. (2019). A systematic scoping review of the prevalence, etiological, psychological, and interpersonal factors associated with BDSM. The Journal of Sex Research, 57(6), 781–811. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2019.1665619

Crooks, R., Baur, K., & Widman, L. (2021). Our sexuality. Cengage Learning.

Dean, E. (2016). Harmful sexual behaviour in children and young people. Nursing Standard, 31(10), 15–15. https://doi.org/10.7748/ns.31.10.15.s16

Stockwell, F. M. J., Walker, D. J., & Eshleman, J. W. (2010). Measures of Implicit and Explicit Attitudes Toward Mainstream and BDSM Sexual Terms Using the IRAP and Questionnaire With BDSM/Fetish and Student Participants. The Psychological Record, 60(2), 307–324. https://doi.org/10.1007/bf03395709

Vivid, J., Lev, E., & Sprott, R. (2020). The Structure of Kink Identity: Four Key Themes Within a World of Complexity. Journal of Positive Sexuality, 6(2), 75–85. https://doi.org/10.51681/1.623

Williams, D. J., & Sprott, R. A. (2022). Current Biopsychosocial Science on Understanding BDSM / Kink. Current Opinion in Psychology, 48, 101473. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2022.101473

How common are kinks and fetishes?

It is not known how common kinks and fetishes are in children as there has been no research in this area. However, looking at research in the adult population can help you form an understanding of how common this behaviour is in adults.

Many people think that kink and fetish behaviour is uncommon. However, research shows that between 1.8% and 10% of the general adult population engage in kink and fetish behaviour and between 50% and 70% have kink and fetish fantasies.

Specifically, one study found that 20% of men and 10% of women had a sexual interest in a fetish object such as shoes.

These findings suggest that kink and fetish behaviours are more prevalent than commonly assumed!

References

Dawson, S. J., Bannerman, B. A., & Lalumière, M. L. (2014). Paraphilic Interests. Sexual Abuse: A Journal of Research and Treatment, 28(1), 20–45. https://doi.org/10.1177/1079063214525645

Richters, J., De Visser, R. O., Rissel, C. E., Grulich, A. E., & Smith, A. M. A. (2008). Demographic and psychosocial features of participants in bondage and discipline, “sadomasochism” or dominance and submission (BDSM): Data from a national survey. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 5(7), 1660–1668. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1743-6109.2008.00795.x

Holvoet, L., Huys, W., Coppens, V., Seeuws, J., Goethals, K., & Morrens, M. (2017). Fifty shades of belgian gray: The prevalence of BDSM-related fantasies and activities in the general population. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 14, 1152–1159.

Joyal, C. C., & Carpentier, J. (2016). The Prevalence of Paraphilic Interests and Behaviors in the General Population: A Provincial Survey. The Journal of Sex Research, 54(2), 161–171. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2016.1139034

Why do people engage in kinks and fetishes?

If your child or teen is engaging in this behaviour you may be wondering, why would they?

Just as individuals have diverse preferences for certain foods or clothing, they also have varied sexual preferences. For instance, while one person may enjoy vanilla ice-cream, another may prefer chocolate.

Individuals get pleasure from different activities or stimuli, such as dressing up in lingerie or experiencing arousal from different types of touch. 

Society is rapidly changing, more individuals are openly expressing their desires. Additionally, the internet has acted as a realm of information for people with specific interests. What was considered taboo 50 years ago, may not be considered as taboo today. Think of the LGBT community that was once considered illegal and frowned upon by society.

It is important to use caution when labeling sexual preferences as abnormal, as many are more common than you may think!

References

Joyal, C. C., & Carpentier, J. (2016). The Prevalence of Paraphilic Interests and Behaviors in the General Population: A Provincial Survey. The Journal of Sex Research, 54(2), 161–171. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2016.1139034

What are paraphilias?

Paraphilias are consistent sexual interests, urges, fantasies, or behaviour that revolve around objects, activities or situations that are considered outside the norm. Essentially, they are the same as kinks.

Up until recently, all paraphilias were considered a mental illness. However, there is now a distinction between a paraphilia and paraphilic disorder. Paraphilic disorders evolve when a paraphilia causes harm to oneself or others such as engaging with a non-consenting person.

The 8 specific paraphilic interests are.

• Voyeurism (Spying on a naked person)
• Exhibitionism (Exposing genitals to others or having others watch sexual acts)
• Frotteurism (Touching a non-consenting person)
• Masochism (Enjoyment in pain, humiliation, and restraint)
• Sadism (Sexual gratification from hurting another person)
• Paedophilia (Sexual preference for children)
• Fetishism (Using inanimate objects for sexual pleasure)
• Transvestism (arousal from wearing clothing of the opposite sex)

It is important to recognize that some of these cannot be consensual such as frotteurism and paedophilia. However, all the others can be done with a consenting person thus, in this situation would not be considered a paraphilic disorder.

Some paraphilic disorders, such as voyeurism can only be diagnosed in adults. This disorder involves watching other individuals undress or engage in sexual acts. This can only be diagnosed in adults as children and teenagers are likely to have a natural curiosity to seek out naked bodies, which is considered a normal sexual behaviour. Similarly, paedophilic disorder is only diagnosed in individuals over the age of 16 who are much older than the child they are attracted to.

If you are concerned your child has a paraphilic disorder, please seek professional support as early intervention is key.

References

American Psychiatric Association. (1994). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (4th ed). https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.books.9780890420249.dsm-iv-tr

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed). https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.books.9780890425596

First, M. B. (2014). DSM-5 and paraphilic disorders. Journal of the American Academy of Psychiatry and the Law Online, 42(2), 191-201.

Kasinathan, J. (2016). Treatment for youth paraphilic disorders: opportunities to reduce harm. Australasian Psychiatry, 25(2), 121–125. https://doi.org/10.1177/1039856216679541

Kellogg, N. D. (2010). Sexual Behaviors in Children: Evaluation and Management. American Family Physician, 82(10), 1234–1238. https://www.aafp.org/pubs/afp/issues/2010/1115/p1233.pdf

Understanding childhood sexual development

To understand kink and fetish behaviour in children, it is important to understand childhood sexual development. From birth to late adolescence, children and teenagers experience some major changes that shape their understanding of the world around them. Despite what many adults believe, children experience sexual feelings, thoughts, and activity preferences similarly to adults.

Age 0-7

From the moment a child is born until the age of 7, they are all about discovering the world around them.

For children in this age group, sexual behaviour may include:

• Exploring their own body
• Asking questions about the differences between boys and girls
• Playing games such as doctors and nurses
• Talking and making jokes about body parts
• Curiosity to understand families and relationships

Age 8-12

This is the pre-pubescent stage between the ages of 8 and 12.

For children in this age group, sexual behaviour may include:

• Touching genitals or masturbating in private
• Curiosity towards other genitals
• Curiosity about gender, sexuality and and babies
• Having a boyfriend or girlfriend that is of the same age
• Showing affection through kissing or hugging
• Talking with peers about sexual concepts

Age 13-19

This stage is known as adolescence, where hormones are drastically increasing, and teenagers are exploring their identities.

For teenagers in this age group, sexual behaviour may include:

• Masturbating in private
• Having intimate relationships with others of the same age
• Taking seductive pictures clothed and sending to peers
• Engaging in consensual sexual intercourse
• Exploring pornographic material

Many changes come with childhood sexual development, and it is important to be supportive of your children for them to navigate through this time.

References

Crooks, R., Baur, K., & Widman, L. (2021). Our sexuality. Cengage Learning.

DeLamater, J., & Friedrich, W. N. (2002). Human Sexual Development. The Journal of Sex Research, 39(1), 10–14. https://www.jstor.org/stable/3813417

Kellogg, N. D. (2010). Sexual Behaviors in Children: Evaluation and Management. American Family Physician, 82(10), 1234–1238. https://www.aafp.org/pubs/afp/issues/2010/1115/p1233.pdf

Raising Children Network. (2019). The Australian Parenting Website. Raising Children Network; Australian Government Department of Social Services. https://raisingchildren.net.au/

When do kinks and fetishes usually develop?

Let’s explore the development of kinks and fetishes to further understand human sexuality. Research shows that kinks and fetishes often begin to develop in childhood and adolescents, yes, you heard that right!

Studies in adult populations have discovered some interesting findings. One study found that half of their participants felt that their interest in BDSM was something that they carried with them since their younger years and considered it to be a fundamental part of their identity (Yost & Hunter, 2012).

But wait, there’s more evidence on this! Carlstorm (2018) revealed instances where participants recalled engaging in BDSM-like behaviours in childhood, such as playing games that involved being tied up. Many reported these experiences were the beginning of their kink and BDSM behaviours in adulthood.

In addition to this, Walker and Kuperburg (2022) found that the average age for having kink fantasies was 15 years old, with 76.4% of participants reporting fantasies before the age of 18.

But it doesn’t stop there. Bezreh et al., (2012) found that some people were aware of their kinks and fetishes by the age of 10!

So, what does this mean? Well, it suggests that an interest in kinks and fetishes can start as early as childhood and adolescence.

References

Bezreh, T., Weinberg, T. S., & Edgar, T. (2012). BDSM Disclosure and Stigma Management: Identifying Opportunities for Sex Education. American Journal of Sexuality Education, 7(1), 37–61. https://doi.org/10.1080/15546128.2012.650984

Carlstrom, C. (2018). BDSM, becoming and the flows of desire. Culture, Health & Sexuality, 21(4), 404–415. https://doi.org/10.1080/13691058.2018.1485969

Walker, A. M., & Kuperberg, A. (2022). Pathways and patterns of entrance into BDSM. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 51(2), 1045–1062. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-021-02154-x

 Yost, M. R., & Hunter, L. E. (2012). BDSM practitioners’ understandings of their initial attraction to BDSM sexuality: Essentialist and constructionist narratives. Psychology and Sexuality, 3(3), 244–259. https://doi.org/10.1080/19419899.2012.700028

Is kink and fetish behaviour healthy?

A common concern among parents and caregivers is whether kink and fetish behaviour in children and teenagers is healthy. This section will provide you with guidelines to help assess whether the behaviours you are observing align with healthy sexual development.

As a parent, it is important to recognize unhealthy sexual behaviour sooner rather than later. Detecting problems earlier on can make them easier to handle independently. Ideally you want to address concerns before needing intervention from health professionals.

Here are some guidelines to consider when evaluating sexual behaviour in children:

• Context: Sexual behaviours should occur between children who know each other well and play together regularly.
• Age: These behaviours are considered healthy when they involve children of the same age (with +/- 2 years).
• Unplanned: Sexual behaviours are typically unplanned and happen spontaneously.
• Frequency: Behaviours should be infrequent, meaning they don’t happen all the time.
• Consent: All children involved should agree to the behaviour, and nobody should appear uncomfortable or upset.
• Diversion: Parents should be able to easily divert the behaviour by explaining privacy rules and asking children to stop.
• Harmless: Behaviour should be harmless, encompassing physical, emotional, and social aspects to ensure no harm is inflicted.

By assessing sexual behaviours, parents and caregivers can gain insight into whether the observed kink and fetish behaviours align with healthy sexual development. Remember that each child is unique, and behaviours should be considered within the context of their individual development and circumstances.

I would like to note that adults who engage in healthy kink and fetish behaviour exhibit similar levels of overall well-being in comparison to the general population. Additionally, there is no correlation between engaging in these activities and experiencing depression, anxiety, panic attacks or phobias in adulthood.

References

Brown, A., Barker, E. D., & Rahman, Q. (2019). A systematic scoping review of the prevalence, etiological, psychological, and interpersonal factors associated with BDSM. The Journal of Sex Research, 57(6), 781–811. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2019.1665619

McKee, A., Albury, K., Dunne, M., Grieshaber, S., Hartley, J., Lumby, C., & Mathews, B. (2010). Healthy Sexual Development: A multidisciplinary framework for Research. International Journal of Sexual Health, 22(1), 14–19. https://doi.org/10.1080/19317610903393043

Richters, J., De Visser, R. O., Rissel, C. E., Grulich, A. E., & Smith, A. M. A. (2008). Demographic and psychosocial features of participants in bondage and discipline, “sadomasochism” or dominance and submission (BDSM): Data from a national survey. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 5(7), 1660–1668. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1743-6109.2008.00795.x

When should I worry about kink and fetish behaviour?

If you are wondering when to be concerned about kink and fetish behaviour in your child or teen, it is essential to consider a few factors.

While engaging in consensual and safe kink and fetish activities can be a healthy expression of sexuality, the following signs may indicate worrisome sexual behaviour.

• Feelings of distress.
• Impairment in functioning.
• Interference in daily activities.
• The behaviour persists despite adult intervention.
• The behaviour causes harm to oneself or others.
• They are only gaining sexual satisfaction in one specific way or from one specific item.

 Seeking professional support and help is critical if these occur to ensure healthy sexual development.

References

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed). https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.books.9780890425596

Kellogg, N. D. (2010). Sexual Behaviors in Children: Evaluation and Management. American Family Physician, 82(10), 1234–1238. https://www.aafp.org/pubs/afp/issues/2010/1115/p1233.pdf

Shawler, P. M., Elizabeth Bard, M., Taylor, E. K., Wilsie, C., Funderburk, B., & Silovsky, J. F. (2018). Parent-Child Interaction Therapy and young children with Problematic Sexual Behavior: A conceptual overview and treatment considerations. Children and Youth Services Review, 84, 206–214. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.childyouth.2017.12.006

Supporting children who have engaged in harmful sexual behaviour with other children. Raising Children Network. https://raisingchildren.net.au/school-age/safety/child-sexual-abuse/supporting-children-harmful-sexual-behaviour

What if I get uncomfortable when discussing kinks and fetishes with my child?

If discussing kinks and fetishes with your child makes you uncomfortable, it’s important to acknowledge and address those feelings. Learning about something new may cause fear of the unknown.

Remember that knowledge is power, and understanding can help relieve discomfort. It is important to use resources to educate yourself on these topics. It is also okay to ask your child questions to help yourself further understand. 

Remind yourself that it is okay to feel uncomfortable and uneasy when discussing these topics. It is also okay to let your child know that you are feeling discomfort while having these conversations. Over time you will begin to feel more comfortable when discussing kinks and fetishes with your child. 

Seek support for yourself if you are experiencing distress discussing these topics.

Read this article on “How to answer your kids questions about BDSM”

References

Stone, N., Ingham, R., & Gibbins, K. (2013). “Where do babies come from?” Barriers to early sexuality communication between parents and young children. Sex Education, 13(2), 228–240. https://doi.org/10.1080/14681811.2012.737776

Turley, E. L., & Butt, T. (2015). BDSM—Bondage and discipline; dominance and submission; sadism and masochism. In The Palgrave handbook of the psychology of sexuality and gender (pp. 24-41). Palgrave Macmillan, London.

Will my child outgrow this behaviour?

The question of whether a child or teen will outgrow this behaviour is complex and doesn’t have a definitive answer.

Like how sexual orientation and gender identity can evolve and change over time, so can kink and fetish interests.

While some individuals may find that their interests change or diminish as they grow older, others may continue to embrace these aspects of their identity into adulthood.

It’s just a matter of waiting and seeing… time will tell. But remember, having a kink isn’t a problem with many adults having healthy, happy, kinky lives. 

Ultimately, there is no one size fits all answer to this question, emphasizing the importance of supporting children with kinks and fetishes.

References

Vivid, J., Lev, E., & Sprott, R. (2020). The Structure of Kink Identity: Four Key Themes Within a World of Complexity. Journal of Positive Sexuality, 6(2), 75–85. https://doi.org/10.51681/1.623

How can I support my child?

Supporting your child or teen who has a kink or fetish is critical for their sexual development and well-being.

Similar to individuals in the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) community, children and teens with kinks and fetishes may struggle with internalised shame and stigma. This means that children and teens are unlikely to tell you that they are engaging in this behaviour, meaning that you may catch them in the act or be advised by others. Here are a few tips if you find yourself needing to support a child in this situation.

Reactions to sexual behaviour are important because they lay the groundwork for the attitudes your child will hold towards sexuality.

Stay open-minded

It is essential to approach the topic with an open mind, free from judgment or stigma. This means setting aside any opinions you may have on the topic and embracing non-judgemental attitudes towards their preferences. It involves being willing to listen to your child or teen without invalidating their experiences. By staying open-minded, you create a safe space where your child feels comfortable expressing themselves.

Understanding and acceptance

By understanding and accepting your child or teen, you can create an environment where your child feels supported, reducing feelings of shame. Research shows that individuals with more knowledge of kinks and fetishes are more likely to hold positive attitudes. It is essential to equip yourself with knowledge about kinks and fetishes to understand and accept your child or teen.

Education

Young people are unlikely to be able to access accurate information on kinks and fetishes as they are unable to attend community events or enter websites that are 18+. This means that children and teenagers may seek inaccurate information from pornography or peers. It is important to make sure you equip your child or teen with accurate information such as consent and boundaries to ensure healthy sexual development.

Ultimately, offering love and support to your child through these times is key to fostering healthy parent-child relationships and promoting healthy sexual development.  

References

Bezreh, T., Weinberg, T. S., & Edgar, T. (2012). BDSM Disclosure and Stigma Management: Identifying Opportunities for Sex Education. American Journal of Sexuality Education, 7(1), 37–61. https://doi.org/10.1080/15546128.2012.650984

Kimberly, C. (2020). ’My Body, My Boundaries’: The Impact of a New Sexual Health Program on Elementary Age Children and Parents in Mississippi. The Journal of Applied Research on Children : Informing Policy for Children at Risk, 11(2). https://doi.org/10.58464/2155-5834.1382

Nichols, M., & Fedor, J. P. (2017). Sex Therapy with Clients who Practice “Kink.” In The Wiley Handbook of Sex Therapy (pp. 420–434). John Wiley & Sons, Ltd.

Randall, R., & McKee, A. (2017). Becoming BDSM in and online environment. In Sex in the Digital Age. Taylor & Francis Group.

Turley, E. L., & Butt, T. (2015). BDSM—Bondage and discipline; dominance and submission; sadism and masochism. In The Palgrave handbook of the psychology of sexuality and gender (pp. 24-41). Palgrave Macmillan, London.

What if I make them stop?

If you are considering intervening to stop your child or teen from engaging in healthy kink or fetish, it’s important to understand the potential consequences.

Research suggests that attempting to stop these behaviours will more than likely result in the behaviour continuing in private. This could lead to feelings of shame and isolation, with issues left unaddressed. Additionally, by suppressing these feelings, your child or teen may develop unhealthy coping mechanisms or more serious issues.

Instead of trying to stop the behaviour, it is important to maintain open communication with your child. Encourage them to explore their sexuality in a safe and healthy manner while teaching them about privacy and consent.

It is also important to discuss with your child or teen that they can masturbate to more than one specific item. Additionally, it is important to educate children and teens that there is more than one way to masturbate as many may be unaware of this!

If you are concerned that the behaviour is harmful, please seek help from health professionals.

References

Bezreh, T., Weinberg, T. S., & Edgar, T. (2012). BDSM Disclosure and Stigma Management: Identifying Opportunities for Sex Education. American Journal of Sexuality Education, 7(1), 37–61. https://doi.org/10.1080/15546128.2012.650984

McKee, A., Albury, K., Dunne, M., Grieshaber, S., Hartley, J., Lumby, C., & Mathews, B. (2010). Healthy Sexual Development: A multidisciplinary framework for Research. International Journal of Sexual Health, 22(1), 14–19.

How to find help and support

In this section, we will discuss who you can turn to for help and how to find the right health professional for your child or teen.

It is important to acknowledge that this is a difficult thing to do, as it isn’t always easy to find health professionals who are knowledgeable. Many health professionals won’t be up to date with this kind of stuff so you may have to try multiple different health professionals or seek telehealth support. You can try seeking a younger health professional who may have more knowledge or contacting a sexual health service to see if they can provide contacts for you. 

Mandatory reporting

Mandatory reporting is a legislative requirement in many countries and states throughout the world, where professionals who work with children are legally required to report any cases of suspected child abuse and neglect. Sexual behaviours between children are often reported.

So you may want to google mandatory reporting and the name of your state and/or country to learn what laws are applicable.

Australia

RaisingChildren.net.au have a great suggestion on what you can do to find professional support.

It’s essential to get professional support for children who are engaging in harmful sexual behaviour. If children get professional support, it will help to stop the behaviour. It will also mean children are unlikely to continue this behaviour as adults.

The first step is to visit your GP to ask for a referral to a professional or specialist service for your child or the child you’re caring for. Depending on your child’s needs and available services, this could be a psychologist, social worker or advocate involving individual or group programs.

You can ask your GP for help to find the right service or professional for your child. You might want to look for someone who:

• specialises in working with children
• has training and experience in working with children who have engaged in harmful sexual behaviour
• Is the gender your child prefers

Asking specific questions during the selection process can help ensure you find the right fit.

Attitudes

• Do you understand sexual behaviour in children?
• Do you understand sexual diversity in children?
• Do you understand kink and fetish behaviour?
• Have you ever worked with an individual who has a kink or fetish?

Training/experience

• What qualifications do you have?
• What specific training have you done to work with sexually diverse children?
• What reading have you done on child sexuality and kink/fetish behaviour?
• How long have you been practicing counselling or psychotherapy?

Professionals can develop a treatment and support plan to help your child. They can also help you to understand the steps you need to take in your situation.

You might be able to arrange a trial appointment to see whether the professional is a good fit for you and your child.

Support services differ from state to state. Many states have specialist-funded services for children who have engaged in harmful sexual behaviour. Some private clinics and professionals also specialise in this area. These helplines and services can be good places to start to find out what’s available in your area.

America

Safer Society Press is a non-profit organisation that is committed to ending sexual abuse and personal violence. They maintain a database of clinicians from around North America who work with sexual abusers, children with sexual behaviour problems, and survivors of abuse.

United Kingdom

NSPCC has a helpful page with information on where to find professional help and support.

Other countries

Apologies if your country isn’t included or if there isn’t anyone nearby. But I do have a tip that could help you to find someone. Ring your local child welfare/protection office and ask them for the names of clinicians who work with children displaying harmful sexual behaviours. They should be able to share with you the names of those they work with locally.

You can also anonymously ring your child/community health centre, women’s health centre, sexual health clinic, children’s ward (at the hospital), child protection, local council, police, or psychologists and ask if they can recommend anyone who works with harmful sexual behaviours. They should be able to suggest a name or someone who might know.

Literature Review

Understanding and Supporting Children & Teens with Kinks & Fetishes: A Guide for Parents

Children’s sexual development is a complex and multifaceted aspect of human growth. Among various types of sexual diversity, kinks and fetishes represent a deviation from conventional sexual norms (Wiederman, 2003). Research is currently non-existent on kink and fetish behaviour in children, thus a combination of research on childhood sexual development and kink and fetish behaviour in adults will be explored. This paper will delve into the background, prevalence and development of kinks and fetishes from adult perspectives. This will be followed by an exploration of the significance of understanding and supporting a child or teenager with a kink or fetish. Additionally, it will explore concerning sexual behaviour in children, emphasizing the importance of distinguishing between typical and problematic sexual behaviours. By providing a comprehensive understanding for parents, this paper aims to contribute to the promotion of healthy sexual development and the well-being of children and adolescence.

Defining kinks and fetishes

To effectively support a child or teenager with a kink or fetish, it is important to understand the nature of these terms. The term “kink” encompasses a wide range of erotic activities, fantasies, and preferences that individuals may find sexually arousing (Vivid et al., 2020). Common examples of kinks include, BDSM (bondage and discipline, domination and submission, and sadomasochism), role-playing and sensory play (Brown et al., 2019). Often used interchangeably with BDSM, kink refers to behaviours or fantasies outside of typical sexual norms (Williams & Sprott, 2022).

A fetish pertains to an object, body part or behaviour that triggers sexual arousal in an individual (Stockwell et al., 2010). Common examples include sexual attraction women’s undergarments and shoes, attraction to feet and attraction to specific materials such as leather or latex (Crooks et al., 2021; Wiederman, 2003). Unlike kinks, fetishes are often required for sexual function and satisfaction (Stockwell et al., 2010; Wiederman, 2003). Some individuals require the fetish object for sexual arousal, whereas others can achieve sexual response without the object but at a lowered intensity (Crooks et al., 2021).

While kinks and fetishes both involve atypical sexual behaviours or interests, they differ in their focus and implications. Kink encompasses a broad spectrum of unconventional sexual activities; fetish involves objects or scenarios that illicit sexual arousal.

Background

Kink and fetish practices have been documented in various cultures throughout history (Weiss, 2015). However, these practices have often been mischaracterized as deviant or pathological (Brown et al., 2019; Weiss, 2015). Notably, The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (4th ed.; DSM–4; American Psychiatric Association, 1994) pathologized certain kinks such as sadism and masochism as paraphilic disorders. In contrast, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.; DSM–5; American Psychiatric Association, 2013) distinguishes between paraphilias and paraphilic disorders, highlighting the need for harm to an individual or others or non-consensual behaviour for it to be classified as a disorder. These changes reflect evolving understandings of human sexuality over time.

Research into the prevalence of kinks and fetishes in the general adult population has yielded varying results (Holvoet et al., 2017; Joyal & Carpentier, 2016; Richters et al., 2008). For instance, Richters et al., (2008) found that 1.8% in their large representative sample had engaged in BDSM activities in the last year. Conversely, Joyal and Carpentier (2016) reported nearly half of their sample had experienced kink or fetish fantasies, with one third engaging in such activities. Holvoet et al., (2017) noted that 68.8% of their sample reported at least one kink-related fantasy, with 10% engaging in regular practices. Additionally, Dawson et al., (2014) found that over 20% of college men and 10% of college women reported sexual interest in a fetish object such as shoes. Discrepancies in findings are likely due to lack of standardized definitions in the literature and the enduring stigma surrounding kinks and fetishes (Coppens et al., 2019). Therefore, further research with standardized definitions is needed for the prevalence of kinks and fetishes to be truly understood.

Contrary to common belief, research indicates that children experience sexual feelings, thoughts activities and preferences like adults (Crooks et al., 2021; Lamb et al., 2018). From birth to around age 7, children typically engage in body exploration and display curiosity about sex differences, laying the groundwork for later sexual development (DeLamater & Friedrich, 2002). This usually involves touching of genitals, curiosity of other genitals and playing doctor or family (DeLamater & Friedrich, 2002; Kellogg, 2010). During middle childhood, ages 8 to 12, interest in the opposite sex begins to emerge, marking the onset for sexual exploration and learning (Kellogg, 2010). Adolescence spanning from ages 13 to 19, is characterised by profound cognitive and emotional changes that shape sexual identity, attraction and attitudes toward intimacy and relationships (Crooks et al., 2021; DeLamater & Friedrich, 2002). This period is when sexual intercourse is most likely to occur (Kellogg, 2010). These developmental stages illustrate the continuum of sexual development from birth to adolescence.

The development of kinks & fetishes

To enhance understanding of kinks and fetishes, it may be beneficial to discuss their origins and how they develop in individuals. Several studies in adult populations have found that kink and fetishes often develop in childhood and adolescence (Bezreh et al., 2012; Carlstrom, 2018; Walker & Kuperburg, 2022; Yost & Hunter, 2012). For instance, Yost and Hunter (2012) found that almost half of their participants (43.4%) felt that they were intrinsically motivated from a young to engage in BDSM, describing their feelings as an integral part of their identity. Additionally, Carlstrom, (2018) reported instances where participants recalled engaging in BDSM behaviour during childhood such as playing games involving being tied up, before encountering kink and fetish material later in life. Another study found that the average age for kink fantasies was approximately 15 years old, with 76.4% of participants involved in the kink community reporting BDSM fantasies before the age of 18 (Walker & Kuperburg, 2022). These findings are supported by Coppens et al., (2019) who noted that 33% of participants indicated having BDSM sexual preferences before the age of 15. Another study by Bezreh et al., (2012) noted that some participants were aware of their kinks and fetishes by the age of 10. The literature supports the idea that kink and fetish develop in childhood and adolescence.

The belief that kinks and fetishes develop because of childhood sexual abuse (CSA) is prevalent in modern society (Brown et al., 2019). Nordling et al., (2000) found that 7.9% of their participants who engaged in kink experienced CSA, which is slightly higher than the general population. However, it is important to note that most individuals engaging in BDSM did not have a history of CSA, indicating limited support for idea that engaging in kink is associated with CSA (Brown et al., 2019; Nordling et al., 2000). Furthermore, research indicates the rates of childhood abuse in BDSM participants do not significantly differ from non-BDSM participants (Richters et al., 2008; Ten Brink et al., 2020). On the other hand, adults who have experienced CSA are more likely to develop paraphilic disorders as adults such as paedophilia, as well as engage in sexual offending behaviours (Drury et al., 2019). Thus, while CSA does not appear to be directly linked to the development of kinks and fetishes, it may be associated with the development of paraphilic disorders and other problematic sexual behaviour.

The media can expose individuals to previously unknown sexual practices, contributing to the construction of kinks and fetishes (Walker & Kuperberg, 2022). Through various forms of media such as television shows, movies, books and the internet, people are often introduced to diverse sexual behaviours and preferences that they may not have been aware of otherwise (Carlstrom 2018; Weiss, 2015). For example, participants in studies have reported instances where exposure to specific media content sparked their interest in activities, such as one individual who cited seeing a television advertisement for an SBS rope bondage special at 12 years old (Randall & McKee, 2017). Lo and Wei (2005) also discovered that a significant portion of their sample (40%) reported exposure to pornographic material during adolescence, which notably influenced their adoption of various sexual behaviour. Walker and Kuperberg (2022), further revealed that 33% of their participants stumbled upon kink and fetish material through mainstream pornography, subsequently leading to alternative forms of pornography. The media is powerful in shaping individuals understanding and exploration of kinks and fetishes.

Significance of understanding and supporting children with kinks and fetishes

Children are unlikely to disclose that they have a kink or fetish to their parents due to internalized shame and fear of reactions (Bezreh et al., 2012). This process may lead to “coming out” similarly to LGBT individuals, where they may be discovered, or they can no longer hide an important part of their identity (Nichols & Fedor, 2017). Through understanding and supporting children and teenagers with kinks and fetishes, parents can promote mental health by reducing feelings of shame and isolation (Brown et al., 2019; Mills-Koonce et al., 2018; Williams & Sprott, 2022). Individuals with more knowledge on kinks and fetishes are more likely to hold positive attitudes against others for their sexual preferences, contributing to overall mental well-being (Turley & Butt, 2015). Thus, it is important for parents to be equipped with knowledge on kinks and fetishes, to promote mental health and healthy sexual development in their children.

Research suggests that acknowledging and accepting diverse sexuality is essential for promoting healthy sexual development in youth (McKee et al., 2010). Through providing support and guidance, parents can create a safe and inclusive environment, where children feel accepted for who they can contribute positively to their identity development (Eser & Çeliköz, 2009). Furthermore, when children feel accepted and supported in their identities, they are more likely to form positive relationships with peers and adults that can contribute to their overall social and emotional development (Robinson & Espelage, 2011). Research by Ryan et al., (2010) supports this with findings that family acceptance for LGBT teenagers was associated with positive health outcomes such as self-esteem, social support, and general health.  Given that the parent-child relationship significantly shapes the way children navigate their way to adulthood, it is important for parents to hold supportive attitudes toward minority youth groups (Mills-Koonce et al., 2018). Fostering a supportive environment of acceptance and support for diverse sexual identities not only promotes healthy sexual development but enhances overall well-being.

Finally, supporting children with a kink or fetish, promotes healthy sexual development by providing them with accurate information (Kimberly, 2020). The inability to access kink and fetish information is particularly significant for minors, as they are unable to attend educational events or utilize community websites that are 18+ (Randall & McKee, 2017). This may lead young individuals to seek out inaccurate information from the media or their peers (Kimberly, 2020). Consequently, young individuals may seek further guidance from parents for education on sexuality topics (Emamian et al., 2022). Given that consent is a critical aspect of distinguishing healthy kinks and fetishes from paraphilic disorders, educating children on consent and boundaries from an early age is paramount (APA, 2013; Brown et al., 2019; McKee et al., 2010). Providing children with accurate information will aid in supporting their understanding and development regarding kinks and fetishes.

Concerning kink and fetish behaviour in children

Addressing concerning kink and fetish behaviour in children and teenagers requires a comprehensive understanding of what constitutes normal sexual behaviour. This is complicated by the limited amount of research in this area (Crooks et al., 2021). The DSM-5 provides some guidance, distinguishing between typical sexual behaviours and those that are disruptive or coercive (APA, 2013; Kellogg, 2010). Paraphilias are characterized by recurrent sexual interests, fantasies, or behaviours involving objects, activities or situations considered atypical (APA, 2013). Paraphilic disorder encompasses paraphilias that cause distress, harm or impairment to oneself or others (APA, 2013; Weidman, 2003). Notably, having a kink or fetish alone no longer meets the requirement for paraphilic disorder; clinical distress or impairment, or acting on these urges with a non-consenting person is necessary (APA, 2013).

It is critical to recognize that certain paraphilic disorders can only be diagnosed in adults. voyeuristic disorder involves obtaining sexual gratification by viewing an individual without their consent (APA, 2013). This disorder can only be diagnosed for adults given that children and teenagers may have a natural curiosity to seek out naked bodies as a typical behaviour (First, 2014; Crooks et al., 2021). Similarly, the diagnosis of paedophilic disorder is restricted to individuals over the age of 16 who are significantly older than the child involved (Kasinathan, 2016). Caution should be used when labelling kinks or fetishes as abnormal, as research by Joyal and Carpentier (2016) suggests that over 30 different sexual fantasies could be considered typical for adults. While kink and fetish fantasies are often harmless, some may consider all kink and fetish behaviour to be developmentally inappropriate for individuals under the age of 18 (Lamb et al., 2018).

Problematic sexual behaviour (PSB) refers to age-inappropriate, problematic, or potentially harmful sexual behaviours that occur in children (Shawler et al., 2018). PSB can be characterized by sexual behaviours that occur more frequently, become a preoccupation for the individual, or persist despite adult intervention (Kellogg, 2010). It is important to understand that PBS exist on a spectrum, ranging from actions such as standing too close to someone and behaviours that are concerning or harmful, such as exposing one’s sexual body parts after attempting to redirect the behaviour (Wamser-Nanney & Campbell, 2019). PSB may evolve from various factors, including childhood mistreatment, exposure to nudity, sexual acts or materials and other behavioural problems (Shawler et al., 2018). It is important to seek further assessment from a professional if sexual behaviour appears to be problematic (Dean, 2016). Understanding the spectrum of childhood sexual behaviours, highlights the need for professional interventions as needed.

In conclusion, the research paper has explored kinks and fetishes in children and teenagers and how support is essential for promoting healthy sexual development. Through exploring historical contexts, prevalence rates and underlying factors shaping these sexual preferences, a greater understanding of human sexuality has been achieved. Additionally, by emphasizing the importance of supporting young individuals with kinks and fetishes, the role of parental knowledge, acceptance and guidance has been highlighted. Furthermore, discussing concerning kink and fetish behaviour underscores the need for a clear perspective on normal sexual behaviour in children, particularly in the realm of kinks and fetishes. This paper has also called attention to the importance of seeking professional help when faced with behaviours that may raise concerns. Overall, this paper synthesises research on kink and fetish behaviour from adult perspectives with insights into sexuality development, offering valuable guidance for parents seeking to understand and support children or teenagers with these interests.

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