Coming out | Inviting in | Transgender, non-binary and gender diverse children

coloured background and title of post - coming out inviting in
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photo of Felicity St John

This blog post is a part of the resource – Supporting Transgender, Non-binary and Gender diverse Children & Young People, created by Felicity St John and Felicity’s collaborator and fellow Master of Sexology student Lindsay SmithFelicity, during a placement with Sex Ed Rescue in 2024.

Felicity St John has a Master of Sexology (Professional) with Distinction and a Bachelor of Human Services – Child and Family Studies. She currently works for an NGO as a supervisor of four practitioners, coaching and case managing families facing complex challenges. Felicity also offers professional development and consultancy. Her professional interest areas are sex education, puberty, LGBTQI+ people, child development, transgender/non-binary/gender-diverse people, relationship coaching, family coaching, and parenting psychoeducation. Felicity has a passion for supporting people to step into their capacity. When she’s not working Felicity loves to laugh, play, be with loves ones, rock climb, SUP board, explore nature, read, write, hike, cycle, swim, and laze about like a cat. You can contact Felicity via email.

We asked some transgender/non-binary/ gender-diverse (TGD) people and parents of TGD children, “What tips would you give to a parent on how to respond when their child shares with their parent they are TGD?”.

Here are some of their answers:

‘Acknowledge their struggle in opening up about this, hug them, provide kind words, ask their preferred name and pronouns, be present with them and don’t allow your emotions to take over’.
– Liam (35yo trans man)

‘Try not to let your own dreams for your child come before supporting your child’s decision to be themselves. To actively tell your child that you love them and nothing will change that.’ 
– Nina (trans woman, she/hers)

‘Ask questions and have a calm discussion.’
– Stephanie (Mother of an 18yo trans man)

‘Ask them about themselves and have a conversation with them. Do not shame them. The fact they told you is a bloody big step; celebrate that they felt comfortable enough to come to you in the first place. Do not jump to conclusions, step away and educate yourself and check in regularly with your kid about what they are thinking/feeling. If you are confused and you’re an adult imagine how confused they are as a child in the wrong body.’
– Bodhi  (28yo trans man)

‘Thank them for sharing that special part of themselves.’ 
– Annalise (mother of a 7yo trans girl)

‘To let your child know you still love them, and that you are willing to learn if you don’t know anything/much about the topic.’ 
– Max (15yo trans boy, he/they)

‘Support them, learn about gender diversity and be prepared to accept change.’ 
– Daniel (father of an 18yo trans man)

‘I think just saying whatever makes you happy. There are more conversations in the future about gender-affirming care and treatment that need to happen, but I think taking it slowly for kids is important. Not making it a bigger deal than it needs to be. Some kids would love a coming out cake or something like that, but some people can also feel like it’s too big of a deal and might even “lock them in” to their decisions.’
– Asher (28yo non-binary person)

‘Listen, listen, and ask questions, be open.’ 
– Sara (mother of a 21yo trans man)

‘Take time to learn, work hard to not judge, have discussions with your child’. 
– Rich (father of a 24yo non-binary child, they/them)

Coming out is a term used to describe the process of sharing with others that you are a TGD person. Inviting in is a different take on this process, which focuses on the TGDperson’s ongoing process of deciding who they would like to invite in to share this aspect of their identity with. It acknowledges that the choice not to come out is also valid and makes you no less TGD as a person. It also acknowledges that culturally cisgender people are not expected to come out as cisgender.

It’s a privilege when your child shares with you their authentic gender identity. It’s an invitation to you as their parent to respond to them with gratitude and warmth, to acknowledge their gender identity, to explicitly remind them that you love them, to explore what being transgender/non-binary/gender-diverse (TGD) means to them, and to explore what needs they have right now which you can support them with. You can let your child know you will learn more about gender diversity.

Child and adolescent psychologist Lisa Damour gives the following advice to parents of gender-diverse teens:

‘Your first job is to protect your child’s mental and physical health…Your second job is to protect your working relationship with your teenager. The best approach is to treat your teenager as the driver of their gender car, with parents viewing yourselves as loving front-seat passengers who are along for the ride. Teens may or may not know where they are ultimately headed, gender-wise, and as their parents, we cannot control where they’ll end up. But we have a great deal of say over how they feel about themselves and their relationship with us during the journey.’

Inviting you in may come as a surprise to you. Perhaps you don’t know much about this area and feel completely out of your depth. Maybe you feel confusion, worry, guilt, shame, grief, shock, joy, relief, and/or love. You may be wondering what it means for them and your family. It’s important to not jump to conclusions and to not jump too far ahead into the future. If you find yourself experiencing distressing emotions, it’s helpful to use any self-regulating strategies you may have and to process distressing emotions away from your child. You may need support from professionals to develop these skills further.

In our parenting journeys, we are bound to find ourselves in new situations we may feel unprepared for. That’s a part of parenting. We can always learn more about unfamiliar things. We can always adjust ourselves and move in a new direction. 

You can apologise if you’ve been invited in and didn’t respond positively. There is no time machine, so travelling back in time is unavailable. If you are unsure how to apologise, Dr. Harriet Lerner outlines nine ingredients of a true apology, which you can find in the resources below.

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Resources/References

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Felicity St John holds a Master of Sexology (Professional) with Distinction and a Bachelor of Human Services – Child and Family Studies. She supervises a team in an NGO, coaching and supporting families with complex needs, and offers professional development and consultancy. Her interests include sex education, puberty, LGBTQI+ inclusion, child development, and family coaching. Outside work, Felicity enjoys time with loved ones, outdoor adventures, and creative pursuits.
You can find Felicity at LinkedIn - https://www.linkedin.com/in/felicity-st-john-726365256/