Gender development | Transgender, non-binary and gender diverse children

At what age do people realise they are a transgender/non-binary/gender-diverse (TGD) person?

We asked some TGD people, “Around what age did you notice you did not feel like the gender you were assigned at birth?”

We also asked parents of TGD children the question, “Around what age did you notice you did your child communicate in words or actions they did not feel like or identify with the gender they were assigned at birth?”.

Here are some of their responses:

‘2yo’
– Liam (35yo trans man, he/him)

[Around the age of] ‘six or seven years old, I remember having very complex thoughts about gender as a whole and how it related to me.’ 
– Asher (28yo non-binary person, they/them)

‘My most pronounced memory was playing in the front garden with a group of male friends. We were around 7/8, and all had no shirts on, but it wasn’t until one of them peed in the garden that I knew that felt right for me, but they told me girls aren’t allowed to do that. Moments later, my mum came out telling me to put a shirt on, but the other boys didn’t need one. My brain started churning because I didn’t understand why I had different rules/expectations. From an early age, I wasn’t interested in Barbies or typical female toys. My friendship group was boys from a very early age’. 
– Bodhi, 28yo trans man, he/his)

‘5 years old’ 
– Nina (trans woman, she/hers)

‘8’ 
– Max (15yo trans boy, he/they)

‘Around 3’ 
– Annalise (mother of a 7yo trans girl)

‘15’
– Stephanie (female parent of an 18yo trans man)
– Rich (father of a 24yo non-binary child, they/them)
– Sara (mother of a 21yo trans man)

‘13-14 years’
– Daniel (male parent of an 18yo trans man)

Gender development is currently thought to be an interaction between biology (nature), the environment we are in (nurture), and the way we are socialised (nurture). Within our cultures, we are immersed in what our culture thinks makes up the gender of being a girl and the gender of being a boy. 

A child’s ability to notice gender differences emerges from around age two. They start to sort others into girl and boy categories based on other’s external presentation and anatomy. Around age 3 or 4, they start to self-identify with which category they think they fit into. This occurs around the same time their understanding of anatomy deepens.  

By the age of 3 or 4, some TGD children have been observed to show strong preferences for gendered clothing, gendered toys, and same-gender peers that line up with their gender identity and not their sex assigned at birth. Indicators of gender dysphoria for some children have been observed from age two. Transgender children who socially transitioned early appeared to have similar gender development timelines to cisgender peers.

In a study on non-binary children aged between 5 and 8, researchers noted that the children could talk about their own non-binary identity. The way they described their non-binary gender was different for different children. Some of the children believed gender to be dynamic and changeable. Self-descriptions of non-binary identities by children in the research included ‘in the middle [between being a boy and a girl]’, ‘being “a boy and a girl at the same time’’’, ‘being “not a girl or boy”, ‘being “both of them”’, ‘or being “neither and both” (Salinas-Quiroz et al., 2024).

Not all TGD children can articulate their gender when young. For some, the sense of a mismatch is there at an early age, but the language of what they are experiencing may not be there yet.  

Sometimes, people question whether there is something in the way a child is being parented that means the gender development is skewed in the direction of being transgender. When the gender development of cisgender siblings of young transgender children was researched, it indicated that socialisation in a home did not appear to be shifting how gender development unfolded for a transgender child.

Resources

• The Revolutionary Truth about Kids and Gender Identity by Dr. Kade Goepferd 2021. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knNjvX6eoBI United States – YouTube – TEDx Minneapolis. Paediatrician/gender-diverse parent specialising in transgender care. 00:16:48

References

• Gender Development in Transgender Preschool Children by Anne Fast and Kristina Olson 2018.
• Our Sexuality by Crooks, Baur, & Widman 2021.
• Similarity in Transgender and Cisgender Children’s Gender Development by Gulgoz et al., 2019.
• Standards of Care for the Health of Transgender and Gender Diverse People, Version 8 by Coleman et al., 2022.

• Supporting Parents of Children Who May be Transgender/Non-binary/Gender-diverse – Questionnaire for Parents Who Have Transgender/Non-binary/Gender-diverse Children by Felicity St.John 2024.
• Supporting Parents Raising Children Who May be Transgender/Non-binary/Gender -diverse – Questionnaire for Trans Adults by Felicity St.John 2024.

• Talk Soon, Talk Often: A guide for parents talking to their kids 0-18 years about relationships and sex by Western Australian Department of Health 2019.
• The Revolutionary Truth About Kids and Gender Identity by Dr Kade Goepferd 2021.
• “You’re Free From Just a Girl or a Boy”: Nonbinary Children’s Understanding of Their Gender by Salinas-Quiroz et al., 2024.