What to do when children “play doctor” and look at genitals

Let’s talk about what to do when you find your child ‘playing doctor’ (i.e. looking at or touching another child’s genitals), as it is a common concern for parents.

Now, before I get started, what do I mean by ‘playing doctor’?

Playing doctor is when children look at and/or touch another child’s genitals. And it usually happens because they are curious about genitals. They want to know if other people have the same private body parts as them, and the best way to find out is by having a look.

For most parents, discovering children naked and peering very closely at each other’s genitals is the last thing they expect to see as they walk into a room. It can be a shock and even triggering for some parents.

So this blog post will look at why children are ‘playing doctor’ when to worry, how to respond to it ‘on the spot’, what to say to the parents of the other child, and how to prevent it from becoming a fun, new game.

You’ll find more information about sex education in my Sex Education 101 page.

Let’s get started!

Why do kids do this ‘playing doctor’ thing?

It is important to understand why children like to look at their playmates’ genitals.

The main reason that children will look at and/or touch another child’s penis or vulva is because of curiosity. They are observant and notice that some bodies are similar or different to theirs. So they’ll be interested in their family’s bodies, as well as the bodies of their friends. They’ll ask questions like, ‘Do you have a penis’. And they may offer to show their genitals to someone or ask to see theirs.

So playing doctor is an age-appropriate behaviour that many children will engage in.

Should you ever worry?

Most of the time, ‘playing doctor’ and being curious about genitals is developmentally appropriate behaviour. But you should never assume as sometimes children are doing it for other reasons, and their behaviour is harmful (instead of natural).

So how do you know when playing doctor’ is a typical childhood behaviour and nothing to be alarmed about?

It’s typical when kids are looking because they’re curious. They want to know what’s ‘down there’, and they want to see if it is the same (or different) to what they have down there.

Curiosity about genitals between children is seen as healthy when:

• The children are of a similar age (+/- 2 years).
• It happens with someone that they know.
• They have both agreed to it, i.e. it’s consensual, and there is no coercion.
• It is spontaneous, i.e. it isn’t planned.
• It happens infrequently, i.e. not every time they are together.
• They try to keep it a secret as they usually anticipate that they may ‘get in trouble’.

If you are still worried that your child’s behaviour isn’t healthy, then my free Worrying Sexual Behaviours Masterclass is essential viewing for anyone whose child has started to experiment with sexual behaviours, alone or with others. It will help you work out whether to be worried (or not).

What to do when you find them playing doctor?

Today, we take the approach of understanding curiosity is natural and directing their curiosity about bodies towards a safer source of information (like illustrations of the human body and genitals). Plus lots of conversations about body safety, consent and family rules about genitals.

It is 100% natural if your first instinct is to shout at them and tell them to put their clothes back on! And you’re not alone if this is what you have done in the past! Walking in on your child inspecting their friend’s genitals (or vice versa) can be pretty confronting!

So what should you do when you catch them?

First of all, take a deep breath.  Don’t panic, and don’t get angry. They are just being curious.

Next, you need to distract them with another activity. Try saying something like,  ‘How about we go and have something to eat?’ or ‘Let’s go outside and jump on the trampoline’. Try to say it in your everyday voice without sounding angry! Keep them in a space where you can keep a closer eye on what they are up to.

Then once the other child has gone home, talk about what happened with your child. By then, you will have calmed down and had time to read this article again, and you’ll be ready to talk about it.

What to say to the parent of the other child?

So what do you do when the other child’s parent turns up? Do you tell them what happened, or do you just keep quiet?

That is up to you. You do what you are comfortable with. But try putting yourself in their shoes for a moment. Would you want to know about it? If it happened whilst your child was playing at their friend’s house?

If you decide to talk to the other parent about it, you could casually mention what happened. You could say something like, ‘Well, the kids had fun playing today. They decided to play doctor, and I walked in on them doing a pelvic examination on each other. I got the biggest shock in my life.’ 

Now a warning…

Not all parents will understand that ‘playing doctor’ is an age-appropriate activity that kids will do, so you will also need to let them know that it all appeared to be innocent. You both might need to keep a close eye on them for the subsequent few play sessions that they have together. You could say something like this, ‘I know that this is what they do at this age, and it did look innocent, but it still gave me a shock. We might have to keep a close eye on them the next few times they play together.’

Be open, honest, and matter-of-fact. Don’t try to assign blame or worry about upsetting your adult friendships as hard as it can be! You may also want to share this blog post with them so they know what to talk about with their child.

What to talk about with your child

It is advisable to sit down and chat about what happened.

Try to keep it casual, or your child may think they are getting in trouble and may not be willing to talk about what happened. You may even have to reassure your child that they aren’t in trouble.

Ask them what happened earlier that day. You could try saying,’ When I walked into your room today, I saw that you and your friend were having a look at each other’s private parts. What game were you playing?’

Try to work out if it was innocent (consensual, spontaneous, not happened before) and if your child was unbothered by it. They will usually let you know if you keep the tone of the conversation casual.

Let your child know that it is okay to be curious about their friend’s body parts and that you understand their curiosity, but that ‘It’s not okay to look at or touch anyone else’s private parts or let them look at or touch yours’. Books are a great way to chat about this, and I’ll share my favourites in the Resources List at the bottom of this blog post. A lot of parents like my anatomically-correct cartoon images as they can pick and choose what to show their child. You can also start talking about the gender differences in your household. Or buy a baby doll that is anatomically correct.

Next time your child has a friend over to play, keep a close eye on them by keeping bedroom doors open and encouraging them to play in the lounge room. Try to discreetly stay in the background and watch out for sneaky behaviour. A telltale sign is if they suddenly become quiet or if you hear quiet giggling or whispering.

What if they are inserting things?

Sometimes children will insert things into their bottom (or anus) and or vagina. Most of the time, it is innocent and just exploratory and a part of the ‘game’ they are playing with their friend. But, it is a good idea to gently explore how the ‘inserting part’ happened to ensure they aren’t doing it because of exposure to porn, seeing adults have sex or something that another kid told them. So you may need to tell them that sex is for adults, not kids.

If this happens, they’ll need to be told it isn’t safe and that your family rule is ‘We don’t put things in ears, up noses, in bottoms, in vaginas or into the hole at the end of the penis (where pee comes out) or under the foreskin. We have these rules to keep your body safe.’

Resources about NOT looking at genitals

‘Playing doctor’ is usually just a sign that your child is curious about the differences between people.  But there are better (and safer) ways to satisfy your child’s curiosity, and I will share some of them here!

Books can be a great way to show differences and remind your child of the rules. I have a list of children’s books about private body parts that will help with conversations about penises and vulvas. If you are after books that will reinforce the rules about ‘no touching or looking at genitals’ then you will find them in this list of children’s books about body safety. And if you want books that clearly state ‘we do not look at or touch other people’s genitals’, then have a look at my list of children’s books about not touching genitals.

I also have a blog post that will get you started with teaching your child body safety.

Consent is another topic to talk about. I have a blog post about teaching consent to children of all ages, and a list of children’s books about consent. Plus, a consent crash course that walks you through how to integrate consent into your everyday parenting.

I hope that helps you with managing this curiosity in your child.

Happy talking!
❤️ Cath