Pronouns and names | Transgender, non-binary and gender diverse children

coloured background and title of post about pronouns and names
family on parade for support transgender child
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This blog post is a part of the resource – Supporting Transgender, Non-binary and Gender diverse Children & Young People, created by Felicity St John and Felicity’s collaborator and fellow Master of Sexology student Lindsay SmithFelicity, during a placement with Sex Ed Rescue in 2024.

Felicity St John has a Master of Sexology (Professional) with Distinction and a Bachelor of Human Services – Child and Family Studies. She currently works for an NGO as a supervisor of four practitioners, coaching and case managing families facing complex challenges. Felicity also offers professional development and consultancy. Her professional interest areas are sex education, puberty, LGBTQI+ people, child development, transgender/non-binary/gender-diverse people, relationship coaching, family coaching, and parenting psychoeducation. Felicity has a passion for supporting people to step into their capacity. When she’s not working Felicity loves to laugh, play, be with loves ones, rock climb, SUP board, explore nature, read, write, hike, cycle, swim, and laze about like a cat. You can contact Felicity via email.

Our son has asked us to call his friend Meg, says Meg is a girl, and asked us to use they/them pronouns for Meg. But we’ve always known Meg as a boy called Ari. Can’t I keep calling him Ari? 

‘What’s more important? How you see me or how I see me?’
– Cut

Your son is doing a great job at being a supportive friend. He’s also helping you to have a better relationship with his friend Meg by telling you what Meg needs right now as they socially transition. Your son is telling you that Meg feels like and sees themselves as a girl. 

Some transgender/non-binary/gender-diverse people (TGD) socially transition. GLAAD defines transition as ‘the process a person undertakes to bring their gender expression and/or their body into alignment with their gender identity’. Using different names and pronouns and letting people know about this are social transitions a person may make to line up with their gender identity.

A pronoun is a word you use instead of a noun. In this case, the noun is the person’s name. Commonly used pronouns include she/hers, they/them, and he/his. They/them pronouns are gender-neutral because they are not culturally associated with a specific gender. Meanwhile, the pronouns she/hers are associated with the gender of girl/woman. They/them pronouns are already commonly used in English, so it’s not as big a stretch to start using them for a person’s name. There are lots of other pronouns in use, too. For example, ze/zim, xe/xem, and sie/hir. You can find more information in the resources section below.

Using the name and pronoun that rings true to a TGD person, is a way to demonstrate respect, acknowledgment, love, and politeness to the person. It tells them you see them. It is humanising in a world that often dehumanises transgender people. It matters greatly. It’s also a way to model prosocial behaviours to your child.

When you use a person’s previous name that they no longer want you to use, such as their birth name, this is known as deadnaming. When you use pronouns other than the ones the TGD person wants you to use, this is known as misgendering. 

Choosing not to use the name and pronouns a TGD person wants you to use, is considered a microaggression. Microaggressions are ‘the everyday, subtle, usually unintentional interactions or behaviours that communicate some sort of bias toward historically marginalised groups’ (Nadal, 2022).

In some jurisdictions, there are anti-discrimination laws in which it’s illegal for some people in particular roles (such as a work role) to deadname someone or use incorrect pronouns.  

Likely, you will initially get Meg’s name and pronouns wrong sometimes. After all, you’ve been calling them by a different name for years, so it’s become automatic. It will take conscious effort to use the name and pronouns that are true to Meg. If/when you make a mistake, correct yourself, apologise and move on. Then, keep educating yourself and keep consciously doing better. Strategies some people have found helpful to remember names and pronouns include rhyming, making up a song, practicing, changing names in phones, and slowing down your brain when you are with the person so you are not on autopilot.

It may be a good idea to talk to your son or Meg about when they want to be called Meg and when they want they/them to be used. For some transgender people, it’s not safe for them to use their pronouns or names in all social situations. If they want different names and pronouns in different contexts, lean into it. You can learn how to do this.

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Resources/References

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Felicity St John holds a Master of Sexology (Professional) with Distinction and a Bachelor of Human Services – Child and Family Studies. She supervises a team in an NGO, coaching and supporting families with complex needs, and offers professional development and consultancy. Her interests include sex education, puberty, LGBTQI+ inclusion, child development, and family coaching. Outside work, Felicity enjoys time with loved ones, outdoor adventures, and creative pursuits.
You can find Felicity at LinkedIn - https://www.linkedin.com/in/felicity-st-john-726365256/