Relationship and sexuality education | Transgender, non-binary and gender diverse children

‘[We] all have the right to sexual pleasure, regardless of our gender identity, our anatomy, or the steps we have or have not taken to outwardly affirm that identity’.
– Tobin (in Fielding, 2021)

‘We must always keep in mind that the ways we can connect sexually are virtually unlimited and they aren’t – or don’t need to be – limited by our identities.’
– Lucie Fielding (2021)

‘Pornhub is not a good representation of the transgender community.’
– Bodhi (28yo trans man, he/him)

[At puberty transgender/non-binary/gender-diverse (TGD) people need ‘Information around hormones and sexual health and contraceptive methods etc. how to safely tuck or bind’.
– Nina (trans woman, she/hers)

‘Surrounding myself with male friends felt comfortable but at the same time dysphoric because it always reminded me of how I was different. This doesn’t even look at male/female relationship dynamics that started to impact through the early teens. Understanding how to manage these friendships became challenging because I was being seen/perceived as female and my friendship was seen as an opportunity for sexual exploration.’ 
– Bodhi (28yo trans man, he/his, loves women)

But don’t they do sex ed in school?

Sex Educator Charles Glickman talks about how most of us are raised in sex-negative cultures where sexual activity is seen as bad, negative, and shameful. Supporting our children and young people to be raised to be sex-positive, which includes having information about their anatomy, pleasure, how to have healthy relationships, and how to have safer sex, can be protective for our young people. Trans young people are often exposed to cultural messages that any sexual lives they have will be less satisfactory than those of their cisgender peers.

If your child/young person is in school, don’t assume the school will do a good job at providing quality relationships and sexual education for trans youth. In some geographical locations, there may even be bans in place around providing inclusive information that supports trans youth. Many trans/non-binary/gender-diverse people have fed back school-based relationship and sexual education (RSE) is not appropriate to their needs, has an absence of representation, and focuses on cisgender bodies interacting in ways that focus on heterosexual sexual activity. Good RSE should include information and resources that include gender and sexual diversity. Good RSE should also include information on healthy relationships, coercion, sexually transmitted infections, contraception, and consent.

For all bodies, not just trans ones, people benefit from moving the focus away from just thinking about sexual activity in terms of reaching orgasm, performance, and genitals. Instead, as Sex Educator Emily Nagoski shares, ‘pleasure is the measure’ for sexual satisfaction. With consent, people follow what feels pleasurable to the people engaged in the sexual/romantic activity. For all bodies, not just trans ones, we benefit from being curious, playful, imaginative, thinking in new ways about our anatomy, and expanding our understanding of where in the body (and mind) we can experience sexual pleasure. For all bodies, not just trans ones, we benefit from building our ability to communicate about our bodies, what feels good to us, our needs, our desires, and how we navigate consent.   

Not all transgender/non-binary/gender-diverse (TGD) people experience gender dysphoria or gender dysphoria specific to their genitals. For those who do experience gender dysphoria, this may impact their sexual experiences at times. Certain types of activities may feel more dysphoric than others. One key can be finding ways to interact with the body, either solo or with others, in ways that are gender-affirming to the person. 

The ‘intergenerational wisdom’ of trans and queer elders and communities can support building positive sexual experiences (Fielding, 2021). This wisdom includes creating or using new words for body parts that feel better for the individual. Words such as chest instead of breast, front hole instead of vagina, clit instead of penis, and man cave instead of vulva. This wisdom includes sexual practices that TGD people have created or used, such as muffing for trans women or using a pumping or stroking motion on the genitals of trans men. It can be helpful to explore and communicate what body motions align with how the person experiences their gender. Access to gender-affirming hormones and surgeries can also support embodiment and gender euphoria in sexual experiences. Prosthetics may also support gender affirmation, for example, the use of pack-and-play prosthetics for trans-masc people.

Changes in how one encounters oneself sexually can change over time for trans people due to hormonal and surgical affirmation if this is something they access. For example, a shift that can occur after commencing cross-sex hormones is a change in how a person experiences sexual desire. Taking testosterone may cause a shift to experiencing the desire for sex more spontaneously (spontaneous desire template). While taking androgen blockers and oestrogen may see a shift towards experiencing a desire for sex when ‘sexy things are already happening’ (responsive desire template) (Nagoski in Fielding, 2021).

Resources

• Genital Variation: The Myth of Binary by Heather Edwards Creations https://www.heatheredwardscreations.com/course/genital-variation?register=true United States. Deep dive. Includes anatomy and how to draw simple diagrams of genitals. Need to register to view. 00:50:00
• Power and Control Wheel for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Trans Relationships by Roe & Jagodinsky. https://www.loveisrespect.org/lir-files/LGBT-Power-and-Control-Wheel.pdf
• Talk Soon, Talk Often: A guide for parents talking to their kids 0-18 years about relationships and sex by Western Australian Department of Health 2019.
• Sex and Sexuality by Trans Hub 2021. https://www.transhub.org.au/sex
• The Gender Unicorn by Trans Student Educational Resources 2015. http://www.transstudent.org/gender.
• The Gender Unicorn by Olly Pike (Pop’n’Olly) 2019. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YPNCzXYy2CE

References

• Centring Gender-Pleasure in Practice: Beyond Resolving Gender Dysphoria by Lucie Fielding 2023.
• Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski 2021.
• Come Together by Emily Nagoski 2024.
• Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers by Peggy Kleinplatz and Dana Menard 2020.
• School Experiences of Transgender and Gender Diverse Students in Australia by Tiffany Jones et al., 2016.
• The 2021 National School Climate Survey: The Experiences of LGBTQ+ Youth in Our Nation’s Schools by Kosciw et al., 2022.
• The Language of Sex Positivity by Charles Glickman 2000.
• Trans Sex by Lucie Fielding 2021.