Struggling to start sex education? Get expert tips and ideas

Are you struggling to get started with sex education?

Don’t know what to say? Or how to say it? And just need some help in getting started?

Getting started is a common stumbling block. And it may be tempting to put sex education in the ‘too hard basket’!

In this blog post, you’ll find ideas on how to move past some of the most common barriers to teaching sex education to children.

You’ll find more information about sex education in my Sex Education 101 page. And you can find more strategies for starting sex education conversations (like this) in my list of ideas on how to teach sex education in the family home.

Let’s get started!

Are you struggling to get started?

Starting something new is always hard. 

Can you imagine how it would feel if you had to learn how to fly a spaceship?

Some of us would jump at the chance. whereas others would be hesitant (or even alarmed).

Can you remember how it felt when you…

• Started a new job 
• Joined a new exercise class 
• Learnt to drive a car 
• Became a parent for the very first time

Can you remember what first-time parenting was like?

• Putting on a nappy (that stayed on and didn’t leak). 
• Dressing them in a onesie without snapping an arm (or leg) off. 
• Understanding what their cries meant.

But the more often you did it, the easier it felt.

So don’t be too hard on yourself, as you’re not alone. We all struggle with starting ‘certain’ conversations with our kids.

Your child has NO expectations of this conversation. They’ll think ‘anything you say’ is pretty good! As they love you, look up to you and enjoy spending time with you.

let’s have a look at some of the most common stumbling blocks that parents face when teaching sex education.

What if they roll their eyes or walk away?

It happens. 

Some kids do this, and some don’t. It’s a stage they will usually outgrow. Sometimes they do it all the time, or just some of the time.

But… 

Research says that they are usually still listening, even if they give the impression that they aren’t.

And if they truly aren’t listening, then that’s still okay. As what matters is that they are still getting the unspoken message that you are wanting to talk about these things. So when they’re ready to ask you a question or tell you something, they’ll know they can turn to you.

Plus talking is always better than not talking. 

So try to remember why you are having these conversations, and what your hopes are for your child.  

What if they look embarrassed?

It happens. 

They may have already picked up messages that sex is shameful. Or they have reached that awkward age where they find anything to do with sex (and you) embarrassing.

Don’t let it act as a deterrent. 

You can:

• Acknowledge their embarrassment, e.g. ‘I can see that you find this topic a bit embarrassing.’
• Normalise it – let them know that other kids feel awkward to,o e.g. ‘Lots of kids your age find sex an embarrassing conversation.’
• Try laughter. It can help to lighten things up and defuse tension.
• Talk whilst doing something else – so your hands are busy and you’re not looking at them.
• You can also try warning them, that you’d like to talk (before you start a conversation), e.g. ‘I’d like to have a chat with you after dinner, about puberty.’

What if they say they already know it?

It happens. 

They might be brushing you off or they might actually think they do know it all. 

Praise them for being informed and try asking them what they already know. 

Try telling a story, about how you wished you had known everything at their age, and wished your parents had been open to talking to you about these things. 

Tell them what you planned to say anyway. Keep it short and to the point, but conversational. Gauge their reaction and if they seem open to talking, then keep on talking!

If they don’t, well that’s life. And all you can do is try to tackle the conversation another time. Or try a different strategy next time.

And remember, what matters is that they know the door is open for future conversations.

What if they don’t want to talk?

It happens.

When your child doesn’t want to talk, it’s important that you DON’T GIVE UP. 

The number one mistake you can make is to assume they’re uninterested (and to then stop talking) 

And yes, you may feel as if you are talking to a brick wall. 

And yes one-sided conversations can be pretty frustrating… 

But you need to remember the bigger picture. 

Remind yourself of why you are having these conversations. And what your hopes and dreams for your child are. Plus talking in the background, is giving them the unspoken message that you are open to talking. Not speaking gives the unspoken message that the topic can’t be talked about. 

So… 

Whatever you do, just keep on talking! As they are listening! 

And one day, they may actually shock you and actually respond!

What if there’s always another kid around?

It happens.

Finding time alone to talk with one child (without others hovering or listening in) can be difficult. If not impossible at times.

You can:

•  Set up the other kids with an activity to distract them, e.g. bathtime, cartoons, playing at the park. 
• Ask your child to help you with a job, e.g. in the garden, pegging out the washing, do the shopping. 
• Talk at bedtime (if they aren’t sharing or going to bed earlier than the other kids). 
• Talk during bedtime stories.
• Get a friend/partner to help with distracting other kids.

What if they’re not a reader? Or reluctant to read with you?

Some kids don’t enjoy reading, or they will only read a certain type of book (like comic books). So you could try to find a book that will pique their curiosity – lift the flap, silly, factual, pictures, graphic novel (or comic book).

It can sometimes help if you turn bedtime stories into a ritual (special time). Let your child pick a book, and you pick a book. Explain that you have a book that you’d like to read together, and that it is about an important topic. And as you read, also talk about it.

What if you’ve left it too late?

Starting when kids are older, is harder (I won’t pretend it isn’t). 

There is a very good chance that they’ve already heard about sex, and they’ve probably guessed that by not speaking, that you aren’t open to talking about it. 

But it is possible to turn things around.

You have to find the way that works best for them. 

Think back to your child, and the times that they seem the happiest to talk. And start a conversation when you’re doing that. 

For many kids, it is in the car driving. 

For my 12 year old, it is driving in the car, kicking a ball at our local park at dusk, or walking into Northbridge (our ethnic shopping precinct) for something sugary to eat. 

Getting them alone is a big help too!

What if they don’t respond?

It happens. My kids do it to me all the time!

Maybe they’re embarrassed. 

Maybe they’re uninterested and don’t understand what you’re talking about. 

Maybe they’re distracted and thinking about something else. 

Maybe they’re tired after a busy day at school. 

There are lots of reasons why kids don’t respond. All you can do is keep it brief or give up and try again another day.

Sex education is a childhood of conversations, so there will be plenty more conversations coming up!

What if they’re not a talker?

Some kids just aren’t talkers, and it doesn’t matter what you’re talking about, they just don’t have a lot to say. 

‘Not talking’ isn’t always a signal that they’re uninterested. 

‘Not talking’ doesn’t mean that they’re not listening. Reasearch tells us that kids are listening and that they want to have these conversations with parents.

What’s important, is to not see it as a sign that you’re doing something wrong. 

Try again at a different time, when they seem more open to talking (or not tired or distracted). 

Spend some time to think about why it may have failed. Especially if it happens more often (than not). Sometimes it could be that you need to try talking in a different way – if what you’re doing doesn’t work, try something new. 

Remember, it is many conversations, that you keep on repeating. And as kids grow up, the way they talk changes too!

By talking, you are giving them the unspoken message that things have changed, and that you are open to talking. You just need to give them time to get used to it. And occasionally remind them of it. 

And remember, it is up to them as to whether they respond or not. But at least you’ll know that you’ve tried!

Ideas to help you move forward

Warn your child that you want to talk

Sometimes it can help if you prewarn your child, that you want to talk i.e. you mention to your child that there’s something you want to talk to them about. 

This is helpful for a couple of reasons.

One, it’s a commitment to talk. Which means you can’t back out or keep on delaying the conversation.

Secondly, kids can sometimes be more willing to talk, if they know what’s coming.

Let’s look at how you might prewarn your child.

Try having some normal conversation with your child to ease into things.

You might be talking about their favourite sport, something funny that happened that day or what they thought of a movie.

Or you could mention it after you’ve both shared a nice time together. Like watching a movie together, baking some biscuits together, playing a board game together.

Give them an idea of what you’d like to talk about, without getting bogged down in the details. 

For example, ‘I’d really like us to spend some time talking about periods. When would be a good time?’  

You could also suggest a time and place to your child.

For example, ‘I’d really like us to spend some time talking about periods. How about we talk tonight in your bedroom, just before bed?’

If talking about sexual topics has been a difficult conversation in the past, own up to it.

For example, ‘Talking about these things has always been tough for me and I really want to make sure that we do it differently’.

Start with an easy topic

It can help if you start with an easy topic.

Now…

We all have our own definition of easy. What’s easy for you, might be hard for someone else!

Don’t throw yourself into the deep end!

Choose a topic that isn’t too sexual, and won’t push too many buttons. For example, pregnancy before sexual intercourse.

Are any of these topics easier to talk about?

• Respectful relationships 
• Feelings & attitudes 
• Bodies (& their different parts) 
• Reproduction & Conception 
• Keeping safe 
• Looking after yourself 
• Consent 
• Growing up 
• Pregnancy & birthing

• Families 
• Diversity in bodies, gender, identity and relationships 
• Different values & beliefs 
• Body image 
• Gender & biological sex 
• Internet safety (+ porn, sexting, social media) 
• Media literacy

How to apologise for not talking

First, warn your child that you are going to start talking about sex and growing up. You could try explaining that you’ve realised that you haven’t talked about sex before, but that you would like to change that. 

You could try saying, ‘I’ve been reading a book about sex education. I know we haven’t really talked about sex before, but I’m going to try to change that, so we can have conversations about it.’ 

Or, ‘I listened to a podcast and it made me realise how important it is for parents to talk with their kids about sex. Since we haven’t talked about it before, I’d like to start.’

Second, explain why you haven’t talked to them about sex before. 

You could try saying:

• ‘It’s something that my parents didn’t talk about very much when I was a kid.’ 
• ‘I’ve always been worried that I would be bringing it up at the wrong time or the wrong place.’ 
• ‘I’ve always worried that I would get it all wrong or do as bad a job as my parents did. ‘ 
• ‘I’ve always been worried about saying too much or too little or even saying the wrong thing.’ 
• ‘Talking about sex makes me feel really uncomfortable.’

Third, explain what is going to change. 

You could try saying, ‘I want us to be able to talk about anything, including sex. You are going to hear me talking about love, sex and relationships. If you have any questions or want to talk about something, I want you to know that I am always available.’

I hope you find this helpful for teaching sex education to your child.

Happy talking!
❤️ Cath

More sex education resources