Sexual orientation | Transgender, non-binary and gender diverse children

coloured background and title of post on Sexual orientation
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This blog post is a part of the resource – Supporting Transgender, Non-binary and Gender diverse Children & Young People, created by Felicity St John and Felicity’s collaborator and fellow Master of Sexology student Lindsay SmithFelicity, during a placement with Sex Ed Rescue in 2024.

Felicity St John has a Master of Sexology (Professional) with Distinction and a Bachelor of Human Services – Child and Family Studies. She currently works for an NGO as a supervisor of four practitioners, coaching and case managing families facing complex challenges. Felicity also offers professional development and consultancy. Her professional interest areas are sex education, puberty, LGBTQI+ people, child development, transgender/non-binary/gender-diverse people, relationship coaching, family coaching, and parenting psychoeducation. Felicity has a passion for supporting people to step into their capacity. When she’s not working Felicity loves to laugh, play, be with loves ones, rock climb, SUP board, explore nature, read, write, hike, cycle, swim, and laze about like a cat. You can contact Felicity via email.

My teenager is a trans guy and says he’s attracted to cisgender girls. He hasn’t had any bottom surgery, so he has a vulva and vagina. Does that mean he’s a lesbian? 

Gender identity and sexual orientation are not the same thing. 

Gender identity is how you see and understand your gender. Whether you feel and know yourself to be a girl/woman, boy/man, non-binary, or other gender(s). Gender identity ‘describes how you think of yourself, how you feel inside, and how you want to be known by others’ (EACH UK). It sounds like your teenager has let you know his authentic self is a boy/man. 

Sexual orientation is the enduring ‘sexual, emotional, and/or romantic attractions one has to others’ typically based on the sex(es) or gender(s) someone is ‘attracted to’ (Crooks et al., 2021). Everyone has a sexual orientation. How the person self-identifies with their sexual orientation is up to them. 

Here, we don’t know if your child is also attracted to genders other than girls and how he identifies with his sexual orientation in the past and now. Some trans boys/men who are attracted to only girls may not have had the language around gender identity and were in a body with female sex characteristics. Their self-identification previously may or may not have been lesbian. Then, later, that same person may have different perceptions of their sexual orientation and identity as heterosexual. Some young people go with the term queer. 

A transgender guy who only likes girls would typically refer to themselves as heterosexual/straight. Their gender is boy/man and the gender he likes is girl/woman.

Sexual orientation can change over time for some people, regardless of their gender identity, and this is known as sexual fluidity. This is more common for females, adolescents and young people. It’s okay for the person to take time and space to figure it out, shift how they understand themselves, and change how they self-identify.

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Resources

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References

  • What is Gender by Educational Action Challenging Homophobia (EACH) 2016.
  • Our Sexuality by Crooks, Baur, & Widman 2021.
  • Sexual Fluidity by Lisa Diamond 2009.
  • Sexual Orientation in Transgender Individuals: Results from the Longitudinal ENIGI Study by Defreyne et al., 2021.
  • The Modern Clinician’s Guide to Working with LGBTQ+ Clients by Margaret Nichols 2021.
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Felicity St John holds a Master of Sexology (Professional) with Distinction and a Bachelor of Human Services – Child and Family Studies. She supervises a team in an NGO, coaching and supporting families with complex needs, and offers professional development and consultancy. Her interests include sex education, puberty, LGBTQI+ inclusion, child development, and family coaching. Outside work, Felicity enjoys time with loved ones, outdoor adventures, and creative pursuits.
You can find Felicity at LinkedIn - https://www.linkedin.com/in/felicity-st-john-726365256/