Teach sex ed to children using a shared journal | Parent-child journal

Let’s look at how you can start a shared journal with your child.

A shared journal that you pass back and forth with your child, is a great strategy to use when kids are reluctant to have sex-ed conversations with you. Parents are often telling me how effective it is to get reluctant children to start talking.

In this blog post, you’ll learn what a ‘pass back and forth’ shared journal is, and how to create (and use) one with your child.

You’ll find more information about sex education in my Sex Education 101 page. And you can find more strategies for starting sex education conversations (like this) in my list of ideas on how to teach sex education in the family home.

Let’s get started!

What is a shared journal?

A journal can be a great way to communicate with your child. It can also help you to create a deeper connection (especially when you have more than one child).

It provides your child/ren with a safe place for them to write about how they feel without worrying about hurting anyone’s feelings or having to say anything out loud.

This is how a shared  journal usually works. You’ll trade it back and forth with your child. You’ll write in it and leave it on your child’s bed (or wherever you both decide). Your child will then write in it and leave it on your bed (or wherever you both decide). 

You can buy a special journal (with questions already in it). There are lots of them available and they usually target mother/daughter, mother/son, father/daughter, father/son etc. Genderless journals are difficult to find.

Or you can buy a blank notepad and make up your own questions (or say what you want to say).

How does a blank journal work?

Explain to your child that you will be using a journal to write back and forth to each other.

They can write to you about anything and no one else will read it.  They can tell you things, ask you any questions, draw a picture, or just answer questions you ask of them.

It needs to be a mix of everyday stuff and ‘sex ed’ stuff.

When they’re done writing, they put the journal under your pillow or any other place that you designate. When you write back to them, you’ll place it under their pillow.

Now…

You will need to give it time to work. But, as time goes by, you’ll see your child open up more and more, as long as it remains a judgment free zone for them.

For kids under the age of 5

At this age, it is about training them, i.e. getting them used to the idea of a book that you both write (or draw) in together.

You can work together. You can take turns adding things to the picture so that when you’re done, you have an entire scene, or you can take a side of the page and draw next to each other. 

Or you can work separately. You can take turns drawing your own picture, alternating pages. You can slip the notebooks under each other’s pillows (or under the door) to look at the picture, draw a picture, and then send it back. This would be a great quiet time activity, especially if your child is on a nap strike or stopping their naps.

Talk about the pictures you draw. Draw a picture of an adult and a baby, and ask your child where babies come from. Draw a picture of a naked baby, and add a penis or vulva, and ask your child if the baby is a boy or a girl, and how do they know? Draw a picture of a child saying stop. And talk about what might be making them say stop. 

If they’re a little reluctant, get some fancy pens/pencils that are only used in this book. Or special stickers.

For kids aged 5 to 9 years

At this age, it is about training them i.e. getting them used to the idea of a book that you both write (or draw) in together. 

You can draw and/or write in the book together. You can write questions in the journal and write their response down for them. Encourage them to ask you questions too because most kids will just respond to the questions without asking their own. You can also draw in them (explained in the toddler section). This activity isn’t just limited to toddlers.

You can draw and/or in the book separately You can ask questions and have your child draw their answer. You can also help them to write out their answers (if you have the patience! ) You could also write the questions and have them dictate the answers to another person like a sibling, parent, or grandparent. That other person can do the writing for them. 

Try to ignore misspellings as the point of this activity is on connection. Correcting misspelt words will damage that. If you can’t understand or read what they’ve written (or drawn), you can ask them. 

As your child gets older, the journal can become more private.

Take turns writing back and forth. Work out where you will leave the journal for each other. 

Start by asking a question. At first, it will feel as if you are the only one asking questions, but eventually, they will start to ask their own questions and mention things that happen.

Start asking occasional questions about sexual topics Why do some penises look different to others? What would you do if someone asked to look at your vulva? What silly names have you heard for a vulva? 

If they’re a little reluctant, get some fancy pens/pencils that are only used in this book. Or special stickers.

For kids aged over 9 years

This is when you can start to ask some more thought-provoking questions. 

You can alternate between some questions that get them thinking about their values and what they would do in certain situations, with more everyday questions about their favourite foods and author. 

You want this journal to be a safe place for them to share with you the ordinary and the extraordinary. 

Don’t let them know you take offense to anything they share or they won’t be willing to be open to you again.

With this age group, you also need to let them know that what they write is confidential unless you feel that someone is in danger. Then you’ll both need to decide how to seek help and tell someone, but you’ll support them. This is for the times they tell you a friend is self-harming or doing something unsafe online. 

By telling them this ahead of time, it lets them know where you stand. They are still free to share these things with you but it’ll also put you both on the same side should you need to help save someone’s life. These years are so precious and fragile and they’ll need your support the most then. 

One thing to be prepared for is the questions they ask YOU. They may ask you some hard and really personal questions. 

If you answer them, be as honest as you can without making your answer sound too much like a lesson. 

If you don’t want to answer them, tell them that you’ve decided that’s not a question you want to answer and why (it’s too personal, etc) and then ask them to ask another one.

Buy a themed journal

You can buy a shared journal that is already filled out. You can find them themed as mother-daughter journals, mother son journals, father daughter journals, father son journals, and even gender-neutral parent child journals.

I hope you find this helpful for teaching sex education to your child.

Happy talking!
❤️ Cath

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