What if it’s just a phase? Should I just ignore it and let it pass? | Transgender, non-binary and gender diverse children

We asked some transgender/non-binary/ gender-diverse (TGD) people and parents of TGD children, “What would you say to a parent who is thinking it might just be a phase and thinking they should ignore it?”.

Here are some of their answers:

‘Ignoring your kid’s self-expression is weird…What the kid is learning is that your love is conditional.’ 
– Asher (28yo non-binary person, they/them)

‘So what if it’s a phase? So was My Little Pony when I was five, but no one told me to ignore ponies.’ 
– Annalise (mother of a 7yo trans girl)

‘Who cares if it is a phase support your child and reflect on how your words and actions will fracture your relationship if you don’t practice love, understanding, compassion and connection.’
– Liam (35yo trans man)

‘Listen to your child’s concerns. Also take the child to someone they can talk to to establish whether gender identity could be a factor.’
– Nina (trans woman, she/hers)

‘I was confused about if this was going to be enduring or just normal adolescent wonderings’.
– Sara (mother of a 21yo trans man)

‘Lean into it and give them the opportunity to “try it on” and see if this identity is what fits. You are giving your child a chance to gauge what feels right and what they want. It’s an opportunity for them to learn more about themselves. Even if it’s a phase, it doesn’t give you the right to ignore it. I’m sure your new diet was a phase, yet we all had to hear about that, and it went nowhere’.
– Bodhi (28yo trans man, he/his)

‘The science doesn’t support the notion of it being a phase, children don’t make these decisions lightly.’
– Daniel (father of an 18yo trans man)

‘Keep that opinion to yourself, and not to ignore what is happening. Ask the child what the parent can do to help.’
– Stephanie (mother of an 18yo trans man)

‘Whether it’s a phase or not, support your child. There are statistics you can look at (how many people detransition or regret transitioning etc) and there are risks in ignoring them (suicide rates in trans children are very high.) you do not get to dictate whether your child feels uncomfortable in their body or not.’
– Max (15yo trans boy, he/they)

‘Any phase is important.’
– Rich (father of a 24yo non-binary child)

‘Seek advice from professionals.’ 
– Sara (mother of a 21yo trans man)

Some parents want to figure out whether their child is TGD or if there is something else going on. For example, they might wonder if there is exploring because of their developmental stage or social influences. 

Some parents think it might be a phase because their child has never mentioned being TGD before, so they worry it’s not legitimate. TGD diverse people come out/invite in at different ages. The ages they come out/invite in does not make them any less or more trans. 

Puberty can be a time when gender incongruence and gender dysphoria can intensify due to the changes in the body, meaning the young person’s body is developing in the sex they were assigned at birth, which is different from their gender. Because of this, this may be a time a child comes out/invites in. It’s also difficult for us to describe our experiences or identity without a language around this. Many TGD people speak about not having had a language for who they were and about the gender incongruence and/or gender dysphoria they were feeling. Without this language, they were unable to understand and articulate themselves. Once they had the words connected to their experience, there was a way to talk about it. 

Not every child/adolescent who is gender-diverse or articulates a non-binary or transgender identity will become a transgender or non-binary adult. Others will continue to be transgender or non-binary people. Rates of persistence into adulthood are much higher in adolescence than in children who have gender dysphoria. International guidelines for trans health care take this into account. Regardless of the endpoint, being given the space to explore gender identity in ways that feel authentic to a child/young person is a supportive parenting stance. It also gives the child the opportunity to be socialised in their gender. 

When parents ignore their children’s gender identity and refer to it as just a phase, this can create unnecessary distress for a child/young person and lead to serious mental health issues. It can create unnecessary distance between you and your child at a time when you could be a great resource to them. It may also impact what they will share with you in the future.

You matter as the parent. The type of support you show your child matters. Alarmingly, the Trans PULSE project found that 57% of transgender and gender-diverse young people who reported their parents were not strongly supportive had attempted suicide in the past 12 months. For youth who reported having strongly supportive parents, 4% reported a suicide attempt in the same period. Some research indicates that parents can be more impactful than peers for young people when it comes to transgender and gender-diverse people’s mental health. 

Psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy shares, ‘all human beings – kids and adults- have a profound need to feel seen in who they are…When we receive validation from others, we start to regulate our own experience because we “borrow” someone’s communication of realness; when we receive invalidation, we almost always get further dysregulated and escalated, because now we have the experience of being told we are not real inside. Very few things feel as awful as this.’

Some parents may take a passive stance if they think it might be a phase. They’ll watch and wait to see how it plays out until their child is older to ensure it’s not a phase. Not actively offering support or trying to dissuade the child. Before further research emerged, this was previously encouraged as an approach with younger children in some clinical settings. When parents are passive around gender identity, they miss opportunities to connect and affirm their child’s gender. There are also very real timeframes around accessing gender-affirming medical care for young people who may need this care. Timeframes can include being able to access puberty blockers in the appropriate stages of puberty. This can have lifelong impacts on the person if delayed, such as the increased costs of surgical affirmation when a transgender person has had to go through puberty, which does not match their gender. If there is access to gender-affirming medical care in your location, there can also often be long waitlists and other barriers to accessing care. 

It’s helpful to seek out quality sources of information. If we seek informal guidance from relatives and friends, misinformation may shape their guidance. Being the parent of a TGD child means you carry the responsibility to seek out quality information so you can better support your child. Peer support networks can also be invaluable.

References 

• Gender Development in Transgender Preschool Children by Anne Fast and Kristina Olson 2018.
• Good Inside by Dr Becky Kennedy 2022.
• Impacts of Strong Parental Support for Trans Youth by Travers et al., 2012.
• Standards of Care for the Health of Transgender and Gender Diverse People, Version 8 by Coleman et al., 2022
• Supporting Parents of Children Who May be Transgender/Non-binary/Gender-diverse – Questionnaire for Parents Who Have Transgender/Non-binary/Gender-diverse Children by Felicity St.John 2024.
• Supporting Parents Raising Children Who May be Transgender/Non-binary/Gender -diverse – Questionnaire for Trans Adults by Felicity St.John 2024.