Managing forced affection on children: Setting boundaries & teaching consent
Let’s talk about forced affection and setting boundaries with grandparents and other family members. It’s a struggle that many parents face when people don’t ask for consent before hugging & kissing their child.
You’ll find more information about sex education in my Sex Education 101 page.
Let’s get started!
How do I tell them they can’t do it?
This is the hard bit, as it can be tricky… especially if they aren’t your parents!
Here are some suggestions (and please contact me if you have found something else to work).
A subtle way to approach it is by asking the grandparents to read a book to your child, and make sure it’s a consent or body safety book!
Model how you would like to them to behave. Start to give your child a hug and stop yourself and say ‘Oh hang on. I have to ask before I hug you. Can I give you a hug?’
As they arrive or leave, you can preempt them by saying something like, ‘Do you want to give Grandpa a kiss, a hug or wave goodbye?’
If your child looks uncomfortable as they are being hugged or kissed, you could try saying ‘Grandma, Amara doesn’t look like she wants to be hugged. Amara, what could you say when someone kisses you and you don’t want them to?’
Explain to the grandparents that you are teaching your child that they are the boss of their body and that you’d like their help with teaching this important message. You could also explain that this is an important strategy to keep them safe from inappropriate touch (or sexual abuse). You may have to reassure them that you aren’t suspicious of them, but it is easier for children to understand consent when the rules apply to everyone. It also builds trust and connection when grandparents are respectful of body boundaries.
You could also roleplay with your child about what they could do if someone touches their body without permission, and use their grandparents as an example.
Find practical tools to educate kids about sex education in the Sex Ed Shop
But… isn’t it rude or bad mannered?
A lot of parents worry that it’s bad manners to not say hello or goodbye to someone.
But here’s the thing. Your child still greets people as they arrive and leave, but they do it in a way that respects their body boundaries.
So, instead of asking your child, ‘Do you want to give Nanna a goodbye kiss?’ (which will get a yes-no answer), try saying this instead: ‘Do you want to give Nana a goodbye kiss, a hug or a wave goodbye?’. This means they are still polite, BUT they choose how to say goodbye.
What if I can’t ask their grandparent to change? Or they won’t listen?
Sometimes, what you want (people respecting your child’s body boundaries) isn’t going to happen.
Maybe their Grandparents are dismissive and refuse to change their behaviour…
Maybe it is too awkward (or inappropriate) to ask them to respect your child’s body boundaries, especially if it isn’t a problem with the other grandchildren.
Maybe physical displays of affection are a common occurrence in your culture…
But isn’t this giving your child mixed messages? Or making them vulnerable to inappropriate touch?
Yes and no.
Kids are pretty smart and usually work out that the world isn’t black and white.
So you can do a few things if you are in this situation.
Practice consent with your child so that they still get lots of practice.
Teach your child body safety rules about their genitals, i.e. no one should touch or look at their genitals and vice versa.
Remind your child that if they ever feel uncomfortable or unsafe with any touch, they should tell you, and you will then make sure the touch stops.
If your child is older, you could explain the situation to them, eg how they feel about it, why they think it happens, etc.
Keep things in perspective
It is important to keep the situation in perspective.
Consent is a topic that many parents have strong feelings about, especially if they were sexually abused as a child. And when a grandparent constantly swoops in to hug, kiss and touch your child without their permission, it isn’t uncommon to feel triggered.
But I want to remind you of something. Your child will have plenty of opportunities to practice consent as they grow up. And a grandparent who refuses to ask for consent isn’t the end of the world (even though it may now feel like it is).
If your child is still little, eventually, they will be old enough to speak up for themselves. And as long as you practice consent at home, they are still learning this important message.
If they are old enough to speak up, then this is a great opportunity for them to practice speaking out. Get them to practice with you, and support them when they do it.
Looking for more sex education resources? Then visit my Sex Education 101 page!
Happy talking!
❤️ Cath
Resources for setting boundaries with grandparents
Grappling with consent? Learn how to educate your child about giving – and asking for – consent in this popular crash course about consent.
A sexual abuse prevention course for parents that is jam-packed with practical information to help you communicate with your children, including: Talking about ‘consent’ and ‘safe’ and ‘unsafe’ touching, Discussing the body’s ‘early warning signs’, Explaining the difference between ‘telling’ and ‘dobbing’, Active listening, Setting up a safety team of 5 trusted adults, The importance of saying NO to anyone and more. Richly detailed and full of practical tips, this is the course that every parent needs.
A Body Safety Bootcamp for parents and children aged 3 to 7 years. It includes 8 x 8-minute videos, all designed to watch WITH your child. They’ll cover: Body Boundaries, Identifying trusted adults, Body Safety Rules, Bribes, “What if” scenarios and “Red flag” threats (like “can you keep a secret?”).
My resource about penises and vulvas, The Parent’s Guide to Private Body Parts. This book is designed to help you to have shamefree conversations with your child about their private body parts.
A blog post to show you how to start teaching consent to your child, with relevant information for children of all ages (from babies to teens).
A blog post that shows you how to teach body safety to your child.
Children’s books about consent to read with your child.
Body safety books for reading with your child.