Letâs talk about body safety, as it is a topic that is often asked about in my free Facebook sex education group for parents, that parent group.
What is body safety?
Body safety is where we teach our kids how to keep their body safe. Where you empower your child with knowledge and skills to help keep their body safe from inappropriate touch.
Why do we need to teach body safety?
Body safety is protective as it makes your child less vulnerable to exploitation and sexual abuse. It won’t stop your child from being sexually abused, but it does make it less likely to happen. And if your child is sexually abused, then they are more likely to tell you about it so that it can stop.
Something I have seen in that parent group, is stories of children disclosing abuse after parents have started conversations about body safety. So it is never too late or too soon to start these conversations.
When should we start teaching body safety?
Most families will start teaching body safety to their children from around the age of two to three years old. But technically it can start before then, as there are little things we can do with babies and toddlers that are a part of body safety education!
How do you teach body safety?
1. Name body parts correctly.
Teaching your child the correct anatomical names for private parts, enhances body awareness and their ability to speak up when something is not right.
Embrace open communication. Encourage your child to use the correct names for their body parts, such as penis, scrotum, testicles, vulva, vagina, mouth, and bottom. You can learn how to get started in my blogpost about naming private parts.
Promote body positivity. By using accurate terminology, we foster a healthy attitude towards their bodies, promoting self-acceptance and reducing shame. So use these words whenever you are talking about that part of their body.
2. Teach about public and private.
Parts, places, clothes, behaviors. Teach your child the difference between public and private. Private means just for you. Public means there are other people around.
Teach your child about public and private eg parts, places, clothes, and behaviours.
Private parts of the body are the vulva/vagina, penis, scrotum/testicles, nipples, bottom/anus and also the mouth. The mouth is included because sexual abuse can involve a child’s mouth. The private parts of the body are the parts that are covered by our swimming clothes and also include the mouth. These parts of the body are private because they are just for you. This means that no-one should touch or look at these parts without your permission.
Private places are rooms, like bathrooms, bedrooms and toilets, where we do private things when we are alone. So your bedroom is a private place when you are alone.
Private clothes are clothes that cover the private parts of our body, like underwear. These clothes are also private which means they shouldn’t be seen or shown to other people.
Private behaviours and functions are things we should do in private, like going to the toilet, picking our nose, farting, touching our genitals. Public behaviours are things like eating, playing a game, reading a book.
3. Create rules about bodies.
Family rules about bodies help your child to recognise inappropriate touch.
Create rules about touch. Explain to your child that no-one should touch or look at the private parts of their body, except for medical reasons or to help keep you clean, and only if they ask first and you then give permission. If they donât ask for permission, you can ask an adult you trust to help you to tell them to stop if they donât listen.
Create rules about looking at or touching private parts. It is not okay for your child to look at or touch other people’s private parts. It is also not okay for them to let other people touch or look at their own genitals.
4. Create a safety network.
A safety team gives your child trusted adults who they know will help them feel and be safe.
Create a safety team. Help your child to identify five trusted adults they can turn to if they feel uncomfortable or if something happens that makes them feel unsafe. These people might be a teacher, a parent, an uncle, or their swim coach. These should be people who will be able to provide support and protect them. It needs to be more than one person, as research tells us that a child may have to tell as many as three people before they are believed. Ask your child point to each digit on their hand and say the names of the people on their âsafety networkâ.
Explore scenarios. Discuss hypothetical situations with your child to help them understand who they can seek help from, such as parents, teachers, relatives, or family friends. For example, what could you do if you went to the toilet at school, and another child was peeking under the toilet door? What could you do? Who could you tell?
5. Teach persistence (speaking up & taking action)
Teaching your child to persist in a range of circumstances safeguards them as, if they are exposed to harm, they will persist in speaking up until they feel heard and feel safe.
Speak up. If someone doesn’t listen to their boundaries, they can speak up assertively, using phrases like ‘Stop, I don’t like that’ or ‘No, that’s not okay!’
Reinforce their rights. Ensure your child understands that their feelings and boundaries matter, and that it’s crucial to keep speaking up until they are heard.
Acknowledge persistence. When you see your child showing persistence in an activity they are doing, praise them for it. For example, ‘I love that you didn’t give up when learning how to do that new jump on your scooter. It must have been tempting to give up after grazing your knee, but you didn’t. And look at how much fun you can now have with this new trick!’
6. Naming and understanding emotions.
Supporting your child to understand their feelings means they can recognise how they feel and can share how they are feeling if someone makes them feel unsafe.
Name their emotions. Teach your child the names of emotions so they can recognise their feelings and also tell others how they feel.
An easy way to do this is by reading children’s books about feelings. You can also talk about what the different emotions might feel like (eg ‘When I feel happy I like to sing aloud’) and encourage your child to name their feelings when you see them (eg ‘Are you feeling sad? I can see tears on your face’).
Accept their feelings. It is important to accept your child’s feelings and not discount their feelings by saying things like, ‘Don’t be silly’ or ‘You shouldn’t be scared’.
7. Talk about safe and unsafe.
Teaching your child about safe people, spaces, objects and situations helps them to understand what safe and unsafe is, and take action to communicate their need for safety. What feels safe and unsafe can differ for children, for example, one child may feel safe riding their bike on the road whereas another may feel unsafe.
Discuss times they have felt safe and unsafe. Talk with your child about times they may have felt safe (eg sitting on your lap when visiting someone new) or unsafe (riding their scooter down a hill).
Explore what safe and unsafe feels like. Understanding their emotions and how their body feels, can help your child to recognise when they feel unsafe. Ask your child what it feels like when they are safe (eg happy and warm) or unsafe (eg scared and feeling sick in their tummy).
8. Identify early warning signs.
Teaching your child to identify and trust their early warning signs supports them to act when they feel unsafe by telling a trusted adult.
Early warning signs are our body’s way of telling us we feel unsafe. They are our ‘flight, fight or freeze’ response, but are also known as intuition or gut feeling. They can be different for each of us and can include a racing heart, butterflies in tummy, shaky legs, sweaty palms etc.
Body awareness. Encourage your child to listen to their bodies and trust their instincts. Talk about the physical sensations may have when feeling unsafe eg feeling unsafe, i.e. heart racing, feeling sick in the tummy, sweaty palms, feeling like crying.
Help them to recognise their own early warning signs. Provide your child with the opportunity to identify their own early warning signs. For example, you might blow up a balloon, blindfold them, walk around them and say that you are going to burst the balloon (you won’t but they don’t know that). Take the blindfold off and ask them how they felt.
What to do when you get your early warning signals. Tell your child that if they get their early warning signals, they must keep telling an adult they trust until they feel safe again.
9. No secrets.
Teaching your child to not keep secrets helps them to stay safe as people who sexually abuse children need their abuse to be kept secret.
Create rules about secrets. Establish a no-secrets policy, making it clear that we don’t keep secrets about our bodies and touching (even if they like the touch or the game they are playing).
Talk about secrets and surprises. Surprises are things that will be revealed (like a present or a party). Secrets are things that will not be revealed (stealing a toy from your friend or touching someone’s penis).
10. Empowering boundaries
Empower your child by teaching them that they have control, ownership and autonomy over their own body, how to do this and respect the safety and boundaries of others.
You’re the boss of your body. Help your child understand that they are the boss of their body and have the right to set boundaries that others must respect.
Be assertive. Teach your child how to assertively say stop or no when someone crosses their boundaries. Practice scenarios where they can confidently express their discomfort.
What to do if your child discloses sexual abuse
A poster that simply walks you through the steps to take if your child disclose sexual, physical or emotional abuse to you.
The Kids Helpline in Australia, has a helpful guide on how to respond and what to do when a child discloses abuse.
Body safety resources
Two of my favourite guides for parents about body safety: The Parentâs Helping Hand Book by Holly-ann Martin and Body Safety Education by Jayneen Sanders.
A sexual abuse prevention course for parents that is jam-packed with practical information to help you communicate with your children, including: Talking about âconsentâ and âsafeâ and âunsafeâ touching, Discussing the bodyâs âearly warning signsâ, Explaining the difference between âtellingâ and âdobbingâ, Active listening, Setting up a safety team of 5 trusted adults, The importance of saying NO to anyone and more. Richly detailed and full of practical tips, this is the course that every parent needs.
A Body Safety Bootcamp for parents and children aged 3 to 7 years. It includes 8 x 8-minute videos, all designed to watch WITH your child. Theyâll cover: Body Boundaries, Identifying trusted adults, Body Safety Rules, Bribes, âWhat ifâ scenarios and âRed flagâ threats (like âcan you keep a secret?â).
My resource about penises and vulvas, The Parent’s Guide to Private Body Parts. This book is designed to help you to have shamefree conversations with your child about their private body parts.
Some of the many Body safety books for children.
Childrens books that are about preventing sexual abuse.
Children’s books about sexual abuse to help parents to explain what sexual abuse is without scaring their child.