Let’s talk about abstinence-only sex education, as it is a topic that causes a lot of conflict in my free Facebook sex education group for parents, that parent group.
But before I start, I want to emphasise that I’m an Australian. Which means I grew up and live in a country where sex education happens, and abstinence is really only talked about in church-based schools. So I don’t have any personal experience (or trauma) from growing up in a purity culture.
An integral part of being registered as a Clinical Sexuality Educator though, is that I am trained to be respectful to a person for their sexual values and beliefs i.e. I never judge them or shame them. I’ve also gained insight by attending professional training on working with religiously conservative clients, and have helped many families tackle sex education in a way that is aligned with their values. Values should never stop families from having conversations!
Two types of abstinence sex education
When talking about abstinence, I believe that it is taught in two vastly different ways.
There is the abstinence-only approach which advocates abstinence until marriage and virginity pledges. This is where the only information children are given is to abstain from sex, and information about love, sex and relationships is withheld. They are usually given negative messages and shamed in the hope that it will stop them from being sexual before marriage. This type of education is harmful and leaves youth uninformed. And if they are sexually active, then they are at greater risk of unplanned pregnancy, sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and non-consensual sex.
I used to work as a sex therapist, and have seen the long-term impact of abstinence-only sex education on the ability of adults to have healthy (and happy) sexual relationships. The guilt that they can feel is immense and the journey to heal is long and difficult.
Professionally, I’m not an advocate of abstinence-only sex education, purity pledges and virginity vows. I’m sorry, but you can’t make informed decisions about sex if you are uninformed. Information isn’t permission to be sexually active. It simply empowers kids to make smart decisions.
The other type of education about abstinence is the one that a lot of parents forget about…
Abstinence until you are ready for sex. This is where information about love, sex and relationships is shared with children. Plus discussions are held about sexual readiness and decision making, consent and respectful relationships. This type of education actually empowers youth to make safe & smart decisions about sex. And research tells us that when youth get this type of education, they are more likely to delay sexual intercourse. And when they do have sex, it will be consensual, safer and enjoyable.
So abstinence is still being taught in most sex education curriculums throughout the world, but it is now referred to as ‘sexual readiness’ or ‘knowing when you are ready for sex’.
In case you are curious about the research evidence on sex education, my favourite resource is an evidence briefing from The Sex Education Forum in England – Relationships and Sex Education: The Evidence. It is updated every 5 to 6 with the latest evidence-based and peer-reviewed research from around the world.
What can you do as a parent?
So…
Where does this leave you as a parent? If you want your child to abstain from sex until marriage?
I’ll be blunt…
Ultimately, your child is the boss of their own body and they will make their own decisions about sex.
If you want your child to make smart sexual decisions, then you need to know enough about love, sex and relationships to be able to make informed decisions. And the only way that will happen is if you are having sex-ed conversations. (I have free age-specific guides to family sex education to help you get started.)
If you want your child to have sexual values similar to yours, then you need to be sharing your values with your child. The more you can share them the better, as your values will then be the most dominant messaging your child will receive about sex Instead of it being their friends, the music they listen to, what they read on social media, or what they watch on Youtube or Netflix). And don’t just tell them your values, explain why you have them and what they might look like in real life.
Resources to help parents talk about abstinence
You may want to read my blog post about Christian sex education or Muslim sex education.
If you want some help with working out what values to share with your child (and when), then the best resource for you is my Sexual Values Workbooks. These are designed to help you work out what your values are, whether you and your parenting partner are in agreeance (or not) and what values are relevant for your child now!
If you are looking for some non-secular sex education books for your children, then I have this list of Christian sex education books as well as a list of sex education books for Muslim families.
You may also find the Facebook parent group Raising Children UnFundamentalist helpful. This group started out as being a place for Christian parents who were committed to raising their kids in a faith that wasn’t hierarchical, controlling, and fundamentalist. But as the group has grown and evolved, their religious views have expanded to include those who have faith shifted or left the faith, but still desire healthy spirituality in whatever safe space they’ve landed. They want to include everyone, parents and grandparents and non-parents and anyone who loves children, to commit to treating children with justice. They believe that if we change the way we parent, we can change the world.
An inclusive non-secular sex education program is Our Whole Lives (OWL) from the United Universalist Association in the USA. They have trained educators throughout America.
The more you talk to your child, the more likely they will delay sexual intercourse!