Let’s talk about when children are asking to look at real-life genitals (or even your penis or vulva), as it is a topic that is often asked about in my free Facebook sex education group for parents, that parent group.
Why do kids want to look at the real thing?
Most of the time, kids are asking because they are curious. They want to know how bodies are different and/or the same.
And as they approach puberty, they may start to notice that their own body and the bodies of their friends and peers are also changing. So they may be curious about whether their changes are normal and will want to compare themselves to other bodies.
Sometimes kids are also curious after exposure to pornography, so it is always a good idea to find out why they’re asking.
Should I be worried?
First of all, curiosity about genitals is usually an age-appropriate behaviour. So it is common for children to be curious about genitals right up until puberty.
But…
Because we live in an oversexualised world, it is usually a good idea to casually ask a few questions so that you can understand why your child is curious about other people’s genitals. Is it natural curiosity or is there another reason for it?
Are they curious about the differences in genitals? Up until the age of five (sometimes even older), they can be very curious about other people’s bodies and may try to look at or touch their genitals. This exploratory looking and touching is typically accompanied by giggling and amusement (rather than coercive) and when limits are explained it usually stops. This interest can happen until puberty.
Are they trying to determine if their genitals are normal (or not)? Puberty is often a time when children start to notice that bodies are changing. They worry about whether their genitals are normal (or not) and are curious about the changes that are happening to their peers.
Have they been exposed to online pornography? Puberty is an age where children often turn to the internet with their questions about bodies and private parts. And instead of answers to their questions, they inadvertently stumble upon porn.
Is this a game someone has shown them? Sometimes curiosity about genitals becomes problematic, where their curiosity becomes harmful to themselves as well as other children.
Can I show them pictures of real-life genitals?
This isn’t a simple question to answer, as it depends on the age and stage of development of your child.
Before puberty starts (under 11’s), the best way to satisfy their curiosity is with age-appropriate illustrations that have been created for children. Like my cartoon illustrations that allow you to pick and choose what images to show your child.
Sometimes kids though, want to know more about how genitals can differ. For example, a child with a penis may want to know what other penises look like, and how they are different or similar to their penis. This is why I have added body walls to my cartoon illustrations, as parents kept asking me for illustrations to satisfy this curiosity.
You can also teach your child to not type questions into an online search engine about penises, vulvas and private body parts. If they do, they’ll find porn.
During the early years of puberty (12 to 14 year olds), I recommend that you show them age-appropriate illustrations instead of real-life pictures. I do have body walls of both child and adult bodies in my cartoon illustrations, but some tweens and teens may not find them lifelike enough. I have commissioned realistic illustrations to satisfy their curiosity, and they’ll be in the Sex Ed Shop when they’re ready.
Now, if your tween isn’t satisfied with children’s illustrations, and my realistic illustrations aren’t ready, then I also have a list of books and websites that display diversity in genitals. Have a look there and see if you can find some that you are comfortable to use.
This is also an age where kids most commonly turn to the internet with their questions about bodies and find pornography. They are curious because they’ve noticed that their friends’ bodies are changing, and are trying to work out if the changes that are happening to their own body, are ‘normal’ or not. So you may want to consider parental controls. If auditing your tech feels overwhelming, then my Tech Check Workbook will assist.
You will also need to ensure your child knows that they shouldn’t do searches online about penises, vulvas and private body parts. And this is also the perfect reminder to be talking with them about porn. So you might want to look at my porn talk course.
With teens aged 15+years of age, you can show them real-life images as long as it isn’t illegal. Please check that it is legal first, as in some countries/states it is illegal to show children sexually explicit and/or pornographic images/videos. And real-life pictures could be deemed as that.
Can I show them erotica?
Every time I walk past a bookshop, I always stop and look at the books in the Erotica section. I live in hope that one day I’ll find something suitable for teens. The photographs are always beautiful but the bodies are not reflective of everyday people. The penises are usually large in size and aren’t reflective of diversity. So I don’t think they are useful for satisfying curiosity about what genitals look like in real-life. It’s important that tweens and teens understand that genitals are unique and diverse (just like our faces are).
Some parents have shared that they find vintage erotica, as it is from the era when cosmetic surgery didn’t exist and ‘bigger’ wasn’t better. If you do find some, please do check they are reflective of diversity. You don’t want your child to be left worrying that their own genitals aren’t ‘normal’.
Can I show them porn?
A lot of parents ask if they can show their child either printed or online pornography? The short answer is no, and I’ll explain why. First of all, it might be illegal to show sexually explicit material to a minor in your state or country. And secondly, the genitals in porn are very similar to each other (large penises, small labia minora) and lack diversity. So I don’t think it is useful for for satisfying curiosity about what genitals look like in real-life. And it can be problematic, as a lot of teens worry when their penis or vulva looks nothing like what they see in porn.
Can they look at my vulva? Or penis?
You’re not alone if your child has asked if they can look at your genitals in real-life, and you’re wondering whether it’s okay to let them look (or not). It happens more often than you’d think.
This is actually a tricky question to answer, as it isn’t a simple matter of letting them have a quick peek.
It could be interpreted as sexual abuse. What if your child goes to school or daycare the next day, and proudly tells the class that they had a close look at daddy’s penis or mummies’ vagina last night? If that happens, you’ll end up getting phonecalls from the school and child protection knocking at your door.
You could ask them to keep it secret. I’m sorry but you can’t do that because (hopefully) you have already been teaching them that we don’t keep secrets about bodies.
It could make them vulnerable to sexual abuse. An important part of body safety, is teaching your child that genitals are a private part of the body. And that it isn’t okay for someone to look at your genitals (and vice versa). Plus if they think if it’s okay to have a close look at your genitals, then they may also think it’s okay to see Grandpa’s penis or Aunt Alex’s vulva.
It could be illegal. I’m not a lawyer and I don’t know what part of the world you live in, but it may be considered illegal.
Could you show them a photo of your own genitals instead of letting them look in real-life? You could but I wouldn’t recommend it as it could be seen as providing a child with sexually explicit material. This conversation on Reddit about whether photos are illegal or not is an interesting read.
So…
If your child asks to have a look at your genitals, the safest answer is ‘No’!
Let’s look at how you could respond.
The first thing to do is to find out why they are asking. They may have been exposed to porn or maybe another child has shown them their genitals or asked to see theirs.
And then explain they can’t but instead, you’ll find them some age-appropriate pictures to show them. You can also explain that your genitals are a private part of your body.
Don’t forget to also share your family rules about not searching online for information about penises, vulvas and other private body parts. As you don’t want them searching online or pictures.
What can I show my child?
If you are a member of that parent group, we decline posts that ask for resources about real-life genitals as FaceBook has a rule about nudity and these posts place the group at risk of closure.
The best way to satisfy your child’s curiosity about genitals is with educational resources that are either illustrations or photographs of real-life genitals.
For children aged 12 years and younger, you can use a children’s book or something like my cartoon illustrations of naked bodies and private body parts. They include body walls of both adult and child vulvas, penises, bottoms, chests, breasts, nipples and more. They have been carefully designed to satisfy curiosity and to educate children about diversity in human bodies in an age-appropriate (and safe) way.
Once puberty starts, your child may be unsatisfied with children’s illustrations as they don’t provide them with enough information. So this is an age where children may request to see real-life genitals instead of pictures. And despite many hours of searching, I haven’t managed to find any lifelike illustrations for you to share with your child. So I have found a talented artist, and a set of lifelike illustrations are on their way.
With teenagers, you can use educational photographs of real-life genitals. You can find a list of them in this blogpost about genital diversity. It includes websites and books that show real-life genitals. Please contact me if you know of a resource that isn’t there, and I will include it.
What should I do if I find my child ‘playing doctor’?
It isn’t uncommon for parents to find their child looking at or touching another child’s penis or vulva. Or for another child to looking at theirs. So if this happens, I have blogpost that tells you what to do when you find your child ‘playing doctor’.
Resources for learning about genitals
The best way to satisfy curiosity is with educational resources. These are a mix of illustrations and real-life genitals.
I have my illustrated cartoon images, which now include child and adult walls of vulvas, penises, bottoms, chests, breasts and more. They have been carefully designed to satisfy curiosity and also educate children about diversity in bodies.
Some parents are asking if I have more lifelike illustrations. I don’t but I have commissioned an artist to create some, and when they’re ready they’ll be in the Sex Ed Shop.
I have a blogpost of resources about genital diversity (websites and books) that show real-life genitals.
There’s a few children’s books about private body parts that have illustrations and information about genitals in them.
I also have a parent masterclass where I do a deeper dive into how to manage children when they are curious about genitals – Curious Explorers – Navigating Childhood Genital Curiosity.
Tips for using educational resources
Remind your child that genitals are a private part of the body.
Explain your family rules about looking at and touching genitals. I talk about rules to consider in The Parents’ Guide to Private Body Parts.
Remind your child that they should not ask questions about penises and vulvas on the internet. You might like my Internet Safety Rules! Poster Set as they include this rule, along with other important safety rules that consider online risks.
Remind yourself that your child is only curious, and they don’t understand the values and beliefs that society has about this part of the body (secrecy and shame).