Child sexual development (How kids develop sexually)

Sexuality begins at birth.

Just as your child develops physically, emotionally and socially (like learning how to walk and talk and to share), they will also develop sexually (like learning the differences between male and female bodies, being curious about where babies come from and touching their genitals).

This means that sometimes you might see your child doing something that looks sexual to you.

The challenge for parents is knowing what is healthy (or unhealthy) behaviour and how to guide their child’s development so that they stay safe.

This blog post looks at the different stages of child sexual development and will help you to work out when to worry (or not).

You’ll find more information about sex education in my Sex Education 101 page.

Let’s get started!

We’re going to start by looking at the different stages of child sexual development.

As parents, you must understand the stages of sexual development your child will go through and at what age. This way, you will then know what to expect, plus you’ll also be able to support your child as they adjust to the changes that growing up can bring.

Birth to 3 year olds

Most children of this age will:

• Be curious and explore their own body and other people’s bodies, including showing curiosity about others’ private parts.  
• Experience an erection (which can occur from birth) or vaginal lubrication.  
• Rub their genitals or touch their genitals because it may feel nice or it provides them with security, comfort, or a way to soothe themselves.  
• Talk openly about their bodies and bodily functions, sometimes using words like ‘poo’ and ‘wee’ to test reactions.  
• Learn the appropriate names for body parts, eg head, nose, penis, vulva, etc.  
• Start to differentiate between male and female and explore gender identity.  
• Begin to empathise with others in need of caring.
• Engage in early forms of imaginative play like ‘playing house’ or ‘playing doctor’

4 to 5 year olds

Most children of this age will:

• Experience vaginal lubrication or erection.
• Touch their genitals and engage in some form of genital rubbing for pleasure.
• Feel curious about where babies come from and how they were born, often asking many “why” questions.
• Play games like playing doctor where they can explore the body, often done more privately as they become aware of social rules.
• Most, but not all, children will begin to feel sure of their own gender identity and have the ability to recognise males and females.
• Begin to recognise and distinguish cultural male and female gender roles.
• Become conscious of their body, how it appears to others, and how it works. A sense of shame or modesty may begin to develop.  
• Comfort others in distress as empathy develops.  
• Make choices that give a sense of influence over their lives.
• Like themself and have a growing sense of being valued by others.
• Develop “crushes” on friends, which are an expression of a special friendship.

6 – 8 year olds

Most children of this age will:

• Recognise the social stigmas and taboos surrounding sexuality. If parents are nervous or avoid the topic, they are less likely to ask them questions.
• Understand more complex ideas about sexuality and begin to understand sexual intercourse and sexual activity apart from making a baby.
• Look to peers, media, and other sources for information about sexuality, especially as their social world expands beyond the family.
• Understand cultural gender role stereotypes, and be able to identify when someone is “outside of the box” in their gender expression.
• May engage in same-gender sexual exploration, such as “truth or dare” games with trusted friends, which becomes more covert and private.  
• Have a stronger self-concept in terms of gender and body image.
• Be concerned about fairness.  
• Begin to accept and take responsibility for behaviour and actions.
• Learn about self-control.
• Have a growing sense of influence over things that happen in their lives.
• Like themself and feel valued by others.

9 – 12 year olds

Most children of this age will:

• Have an emerging sense of self as a young adult.
• Feel conscious of their sexuality and how they choose to express it.
• Understand jokes with sexual content.  
• Feel concerns about being normal, such as whether it is okay to masturbate, have wet dreams, etc.  
• Feel anxious and curious about puberty, when it will happen, how it will occur, how to be prepared, etc. Puberty can begin as early as age 8 for girls and 9 for boys.  
• Compare their bodies with other bodies and define what is “normal”.  
• Become influenced by media messages regarding sexuality.  
• Be curious about differences they see in family and friends’ sexuality values versus others.
• Feel shy about asking questions of parents, especially regarding sexuality, and may act like they already know all the answers.  
• Value privacy highly.  
• Be concerned about the equality of all people.
• Begin to accept and take responsibility for behaviour and actions.
• Exhibit empathy, sensitivity and friendship skills.
• Influence things that happen in their lives.

13 – 18 year olds

Most children of this age will:

• Understand that they are sexual and understand the options and many of the consequences of sexual expression, including gender identity, intimacy with boyfriends, girlfriends and other friends, sexual orientation, and sexualisation.  
• Choose to express and explore their sexuality in ways that may or may not include sexual activity.  
• Recognise the components of supportive or controlling relationships and have the capacity to learn about intimate, loving, long-term relationships.  
• Have a clear understanding of pregnancy, HIV and other sexually transmitted infections, the possible consequences of sexual intercourse, and the ability to make reasoned choices about sex based on knowledge.  
• Recognise the role media play in propagating views about sexuality.  
• Struggle with issues around body image as puberty progresses.  
• Have an understanding of their sexual orientation and develop a stronger gender identity.  
• Be more comfortable seeking advice from parents and other adults if a foundation of open communication has been established.  
• Seek information from the internet and other sources.  
• Place a high value on promoting equality for all people.
• Accept and take responsibility for behaviour and actions.
• Have control over things that happen in their lives.
• Exhibit empathy, sensitivity and friendship skills.
• Influence things that happen in their lives.

Healthy and unhealthy sexual behaviours

It is typical for parents to be concerned about whether sexual behaviour is healthy or unhealthy. That is, should they worry (or not)?

Healthy behaviours reflect safe and healthy sexual development, where redirection of the behaviour by the parent is all that is usually required.

For example, your child may have discovered that touching their genitals can feel nice when watching the cartoons in the lounge. As a parent, you might teach them this private activity should only happen in their bedroom.  

Unhealthy behaviours have the potential to be or are already outside of safe and healthy behaviour. These behaviours can increase the child’s vulnerability or cause harm to another child.

For example, your child might masturbate quite openly in public, regardless of your request that they don’t. This upsets other people, but it also puts your child at risk of inappropriate sexual touch.

Sometimes though, it can be hard to tell the difference between healthy and unhealthy sexual behaviour.

In general, healthy or typical childhood sexual play and exploration:

• occurs between children who play together regularly and know each other well.  
• occurs between children of the same general age and physical size.  
• is spontaneous, playful, and curious, not aggressive or angry.  
• is infrequent.  
• is voluntary (the children agreed to the behaviour, and none of the involved children seemed uncomfortable or upset).  
• is easily diverted when parents tell children to stop and explain privacy rules.

What do unhealthy behaviours mean?

Unhealthy behaviours can signal a problem.

Unhealthy behaviours will not just go away on their own.

They need to be addressed for your child’s safety and possibly even the safety of other children.

Identifying them early on can help to prevent further harmful sexual behaviours from developing.

Why do unhealthy behaviours happen?

Many factors influence sexual behaviour.

Some of these factors, or others, may be behind the unhealthy behaviour:

• lack of accurate sexuality information
• lack of privacy
• boredom, loneliness, anxiety, confusion or depression
• curiosity
• sexual excitement
• lack of social skills
• medical needs
• conflict in relationships
• confusion about sexuality, relationships and sexual activities
• lack of rules, appropriate consequences or boundaries
• lack of information about the risks of the behaviour
• overexposure to explicit sexual activity and materials, such as pornography.  
• communication difficulties
• lack of adult supervision and support
• emotional, physical or sexual abuse or neglect.  
• lack of consistency across environments
• anxiety about adult or family relationships
• gender issues
• copying the behaviour of other children and young people
• copying behaviours seen on the internet or TV

How to manage sexual behaviours

Sexual behaviours sometimes need to be managed. For example, it might be okay to rub your genitals but not at the kitchen table.

So if a sexual behaviour makes you feel uncomfortable, you need to ask yourself two questions:

1. Is it a problem?
2. Does it need to stop?

If your answer to either or both questions is ‘yes’, then you must do something about the behaviour.

If you’re ever unsure about your child’s sexual development and/or behaviour, then grab my free crash course, Worrying Sexual Behaviours. It’ll help you determine whether you should be worried (or not) and the following steps to take. It’s free because I don’t want the price to be a barrier for a stressed parent.

What you do, depends on the behaviour and the reason behind the behaviour.

Healthy behaviour usually requires a redirection of the behaviour by the parent. It’s important to stay calm and not overreact, shame, or punish the child, as this can create negative feelings about their body and curiosity. Instead, use it as a teachable moment. So you might suggest to your child that instead of touching their genitals at the kitchen table, they should instead do it somewhere private, like in their bedroom. This approach validates their curiosity while gently teaching social rules about privacy.  

Unhealthy behaviour should be stopped immediately and may need to be investigated by a specialist to identify the reason for the behaviour and the most appropriate intervention

I hope that helps you to understand and recognise the different sexual behaviours you may see in your child.

Happy talking!
❤️ Cath

More sex education resources

References

• Children’s Sexual Development and Behaviour – Pants Aren’t Rude by Pam Linke 2015.
• From Diapers to Dating: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Sexually Healthy Children by Debra Hafner 2000.
• Handbook of Child and Adolescent Sexuality; Developmental and Forensic Psychology edited by Bromberg & O’Donohue 2013.
• Sensoa Flag System: Reacting to sexually (un)acceptable behaviour of children and young people by Erika Frans 2018.
• Sensoa https://www.en.sensoa.be/
• Understanding Your Child’s Sexual behaviour: What’s Natural and Healthy by Toni Cavanagh Johnson 1999.
• Where Do I Start? Supporting Healthy Sexual Development in Early Childhood by Family Planning QLD 2009.