Parents guide to managing kids with their hands in pants

Let’s talk about what to do when your child always seems to have their hands down their pants, as it is a common complaint from parents.

So…

You’re not alone if you’re a parent who just doesn’t know what to do with a child putting their hands in their pants.

It is a common concern for many parents, especially when children have a penis, but you will also see this behaviour in children with a vulva, but not as often. The only reason I can think of as to why it is more common for kids with a penis is because the penis is like having your very own fidget spinner that is always there to play with and fidget with. You can squeeze it, pull it, flick it, roll the foreskin between your fingers and more.

You’ll find more information about sex education in my Sex Education 101 page.

Let’s get started!

So what is my child actually doing ‘down there’?

Before we even look at why your child is putting their hands in pants, we need to be clear on what they are doing with their hands.

So, what is actually happening down there? Not a lot!

Nine times out of ten, your child is just resting their hands down there. They might be holding their penis (or vulva), but there is usually more inactivity than activity.

And the times that they aren’t just resting their hands? We’ll get to that later on in this post!

So why is my child putting their hands in their pants?

They are putting their hands in their pants because they can! Just like you might pick at a pimple on your chin or keep flicking the hair out of your eyes, your child will just put their hands down their pants.

It is a subconscious action, i.e., something that they do without even thinking about.

You could even call it a habit, as it is a behaviour that they are usually unaware of doing (until you point it out to them).

They aren’t masturbating. It isn’t sexual. And the chances are that their dad (or any other significant male in their life) will do it too! 

Should you ever worry?

Usually, there isn’t anything to worry about.

Having their hands down their pants is more like an annoying habit your child has. You might be sick of them having smelly hands. Or you might keep asking them not to do it, but their hands keep finding their way back down there.

Sometimes it might be something that they do when they feel insecure. Little children will often hold their penis when they are in a new social environment or when they are feeling uncertain about something. Most children (regardless of gender or biological sex) will touch or grab their genitals when they need to go to the toilet.

Depending on their age, there might be a reason for doing it. For a 6 month old baby, they are trying to learn about their body by exploring it with their hands. So every time their nappy is off, they will touch their genitals.

Or sometimes, they might be masturbating, i.e. touching their genitals because it feels nice.  You can learn more in this article about how to respond to child masturbation.

Or there might be a medical reason. Maybe they have an infection, dry skin or chafing. Or their clothes are rubbing their genitals. Or their underwear is uncomfortable. Or they have worms.

Do I need to do anything about it? Or can I just ignore it?

A large part of parenting is guiding our children to what is (and isn’t) socially acceptable behaviour.  Picking your nose and eating it, as well as a child with their hand in pants, is one of those socially unacceptable behaviours!

And if you don’t want your child to be teased about their ‘hands in pants’ behaviour, then you need to teach them that it is a behaviour that they shouldn’t be doing in public.

The challenge, though, is doing it so your child doesn’t grow up ashamed of their body or confused about what they can do with it.

So as a parent,  it is your role to teach your child that they shouldn’t be touching their genitals in public.

As to what you expect at home, every parent is different.

Some parents are okay with their child touching genitals at home, whereas others aren’t. Some are okay with them doing it anywhere in the home (as long as there is no company), whereas others expect their child to go to the bedroom.

So you need to decide what you are comfortable with. Just try to remember, though, that they aren’t masturbating and that it is just an age-appropriate behaviour that they do without thinking.

What should I be doing about it?

So, how do you teach a child not to put their hands down their pants?

When managing this behaviour, the main thing to remember is to stay calm and not make a big deal about it or to discipline your child about it.

So we go slowly and gently so your child doesn’t get a ‘hang up’ about their body or feel ashamed.  And so that it doesn’t become an attention-seeking behaviour or something that they keep doing more of.

And don’t expect them to stop doing it overnight. It can take years for the ‘no hands in your pants’ message to sink in safely!

Babies and toddlers

So, what do we do when it comes to babies and toddlers?

At this age, it is more of a hassle because they may be waking up with wet beds because they are either removing their nappy or pulling their penis out over the top of their nappy. Or they are removing their nappy and leaving puddles of urine (or even worse) all through the house.

So, you may need to devise a way to keep their nappy on. Parents have successfully resorted to duct taping the front of the nappy closed (so that they can’t open it as easily), putting a onesie or sleepsuit on them so that they can’t get their hands in underneath) or even putting it on back-to-front (so they can’t unzip it). They even make a special sleepsuit now that has a zipper at the back, which will stop your child from putting hands in their pants. As they age, you can even put shorts on them with a zipper and button or even use a belt.

When changing their nappy, you can let your child grab their genitals and explore this part of their body. Your child touching genitals at this age isn’t going to awaken any sexual feelings or start any future problems as they get older. They are just touching their genitals because they are curious about their body, and they learn best by touch.

This is an excellent age for starting to name the different parts of their body, and you can learn in this article how to start naming the private parts in young children.

Children

Once they are toilet trained and capable of understanding the difference between public and private, you can start teaching your child that it’s okay to have their hands down their pants in private but not in public.

There are several ways to start this discussion.

Some parents will use distraction to get their child’s hands busy doing something else. For example, you might suggest that they start playing with their blocks or see if they can click their fingers together or some other age-appropriate task that is readily available.

You should start teaching your child the difference between public and private. We have public and private places where public means there are people around, and private means just you. Parts of our body can be private too, and they are the parts that are usually covered up by our private clothes. They include your penis, bottom and mouth or vulva/vagina, mouth, bottom and breasts. A great book that will help you with teaching your child about the difference between public and private is Hayden-Reece learns a valuable lesson that private means ‘Just for you’ by Holly-ann Martin from Safe 4 Kids. An Exceptional Children’s Guide to Touch by Hunter Manasco is another book to consider. It talks about lots of different touches, including when it is (and isn’t) okay to touch your genitals.

Sometimes asking your child why they are doing it can be helpful. Maybe their underwear is uncomfortable, or they are pushing their penis down because they have an erection. By asking, you may find that there is a reason for their behaviour, and possibly it is something that you can help them with. Try casually saying, ‘ Hey, I’ve noticed that you often have your hands down your pants. Why’s that?’ and see what they say.

If you don’t want your child to be touching their genitals at all in public spaces in the home, you can introduce a family rule about touching their genitals. You could try saying something like, ‘It’s okay to touch your penis, but because it is a private part of your body, you should only touch it in a private place, like your bedroom. So if you want to put your hands down your pants, you need to go to your bedroom.’

You could use a similar explanation to explain why your child shouldn’t be touching their genitals in public. You could try saying something like, “It’s okay to touch your penis, but because it is a private part of your body, you should only touch it in a private place, like at home (or in your bedroom). When we are in a public place, like at the shops or visiting our friends, it is bad manners to put your hands down your pants in public. So I would like it if you would try hard not to do it.’. It also doesn’t hurt to let them know that some kids will tease them. This won’t act as an incentive to stop, but it does inform your child that there will be some consequences from their peers if they do it in public.

Your child will need reminders to remove their hand as it does take time for them to remember not to touch their genitals. You could try a subtle reminder where you discretely say ‘Hands’ and pointedly look to their groin. Or, in a light-hearted voice, say, ‘Hands out of your pants, please’. Or you can even joke about it. My favourite line to my son was, ‘ What are you playing with down there? A toy car?’. He’d laugh, and the hand would come out.

Try to use your everyday voice when reminding your child, as you don’t want them to think they are in trouble or feel ashamed. So, remind your child in the same voice you might use when asking them if they can go and have a shower. Oh, and you may want to add that they will need to wash their hands after touching their genitals.

I hope you’ve found some helpful information in this post. And look, as the parent of a child with a penis, eventually they do outgrow this behaviour. But… it takes years and is a gradual weaning process, where they’ll eventually understand it’s not socially acceptable in public, but they’ll still do it at home.

And one day, you’ll suddenly realise they’ve stopped doing it.

Happy talking!
❤️ Cath

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