Inside: Are you unsure about how to talk to your child about the difference between gender and biological sex? Or wanting to explain what transgender means.
If you’re a parent, you might be wondering about how to explain the difference between gender (boy, girl) and biological sex (male, female). Or you may be wanting to explain to your child, what it means to be transgendered.
Transgender is a very topical contentious topic today.
You will hear about it in the news, see it on the front cover of magazines, read about it on social media, hear about it on the radio and there may even be a transgendered child in your local school.
So it is inevitable that your child will eventually hear the term being used or know a child who is now identifying as a different gender.
And hopefully, they will come to you with their questions. Which means you can give them some straightforward information and teach them to treta everyone equally, regardless of their gender or biological sex.
You’ll find more information about sex education in my Sex Education 101 page.
This article is written for parents who want their child to be tolerant and accepting of differences in others (regardless of what your personal beliefs are). The emphasis is on growing up children who do not bully or discriminate against people who are different, including transgender people.
Regardless of your personal beliefs, it is against the law to discriminate against people because of their sex, gender or sexual identity, and children need to know this. So the emphasis in this article is on talking to kids about diversity ie it is just another way that people can be different.
Oh, and I am keeping things super simple because sometimes we overcomplicate things!
The meanings of these words
So what exactly are we talking about, when we are are looking at explaining gender, biological sex and being transgender to a child? It helps if you can to understand the topic before even thinking about trying to explain it to kids!
So we will start off by looking at gender and sex before we talk about what it means to be transgender.
Gender and sex
So what is the difference between gender and sex? Are they the same thing or entirely different?
Sex and gender are two entirely different things.
Sex is biological and is assigned when a child is born.
So your sex is either male, female or indeterminate/intersex (neither male or female).
The characteristics that help us to determine our sex are hormonal, chromosomal or anatomical (which can be internal as well as external) variations (or differences).
Intersex is when a person’s sex characteristics are not what we usually expect for a typical male or a typical female. Sometimes we discover this through screening and testing during pregnancy, or it might be noticed when a child is born. Sometimes though, it isn’t diagnosed until later on, like during puberty.
Biological sex has to do with private parts ie penis, vulva or ‘not sure’
Gender is what we identify as, boy/man or girl/woman, and is not assigned at birth. Gender is more about how we feel in our head and heart ie on the inside.
Gender identity is how someone feels inside, in their head (like a boy or a girl or both or even none).
Gender expression is how people express their gender ( through their actions, dress and demeanor)
It is easy to get confused about the meaning of these terms.
Sex and gender are words that are often used interchangeably in our everyday language, but they are actually different and they don’t always match.
Sex is assigned at birth, not your gender.
You can also download this simple guide on gender identity and expression from The Trevor Project.
Now that we understand what gender and sex are, we can now look at how to explain being transgendered to a child.
Today, we now know that gender does not always match up with our genitals.
You may have the genitals of a male, and be called a boy, but not feel like a boy on the inside. You may have the genitals of a female, and be called a girl, but not feel like a girl on the inside. We call this transgendered.
A transgirl is when you may biologically born a male but identify as a girl (transitioning to a girl). A transboy is when you may biologically born a female but identify as a boy (transitioning to a boy).
There are lots of reasons as to why this can happen and we still don’t really understand why.
In order to express their chosen gender, transgender people may transition, or change, from the gender they were given at birth. They may change their names, pronouns or style of dress. Some transgender people also choose a medical transition, with the help of medical specialists, who will prescribe hormones and/or surgery.
Some people don’t feel like a boy or a girl on the inside. We call this agender. This is where they just don’t connect to either gender.
Some people have a ‘fluid’ gender that can change some or many times over a person’s life. We could call them gender variant or gender non-conforming, as they don’t conform to any gender and may have gender behaviours and interests that don’t typically align with a specific gender. They may enjoy being a boy one day and a girl the next.
NB. Terms keep on changing in this field and what was acceptable terminology may now be deemed ‘politically incorrect’. So you may hear different terms being used elsewhere.
The genderbread person by Sam Killermann below is a useful diagram that helps to explain gender.
When is the best time to explain transgender to a child
The best time to look at how to explain transgenderism to a child is when they are young. The reason for this is because young children are still developing their own gender. Which means they are are not rigid in regards to how they define gender roles and will be much more accepting of it. You can read more about gender identity development in children here.
So why do kids need to know about this?
Your child may notice that some children don’t conform to their assigned gender or sex.
For example, they may notice that Fred likes to play with dolls or that Mary likes to kick a ball with the boys. Or they may tell you that Fred is now called Frances and wears a dress.
Or they may be curious because they have heard about transgenderism.
- The chances of your child coming across gender diversity at school or within the community is very possible.
- Children need to be inclusive and not discriminate against people who are different.
- Children who easily accept differences in others will be more accepting of their own differences. Which means they will have higher self-esteem and better body image.
What to say to children
So what are some things that can help with how to explain transgender to a child? The trick is to keep it simple.
If they ask you a question, try something different before responding with an answer. Try asking them what they think, which allows you to find out what they already know and what exactly it is, that they are asking you about.
You could also ask them why they are asking, or where they heard the word.
Remember to talk about transgender in an everyday way ie in the exact same way you might answer all their other questions. You will be having many conversations during their childhood, so don’t feel as if you have to tell them everything at once.
Avoid gender-biased statements, like – ‘Only girls play with dolls’ or ‘Only boys can have short hair’.
Buy gender-neutral toys and toys that aren’t too pink or blue (a little bit of pink or blue is okay but not everything). And if you have boys, make sure that you have toys that are stereotypical for girls, like a doll, a tea set, a pram. And that girls have trucks, cars, and other stereotyped boy toys.
Buy gender-neutral clothing and allow your child to dress how they want. So if your little boy wants to wear a bright pink tutu for the day, let him. Or if your daughter wants to cut her hair short, let her!
Read books that show adults working in non-stereotypical and diverse gender roles. You can also point out different professions and discuss gender roles with your child. For example, when you see the postie on your street, point out to your child that the person delivering the mail today is a woman, and that when you were a child, that it was only ever men that did that job. Talk about why this has changed and what it means.
Try to use gender-neutral language (as your children are listening). If you need to buy a gift for a new baby, buy a gender-neutral gift. When you see a mum at school with the new baby, don’t ask if it’s a boy or a girl, try asking what the baby’s name is instead. Try to use fewer pronouns by using ‘they, them or their’ instead of ‘her and him’. If pronouns confuse you, check out the Pronoun app by Minus 18.
There are many small things that we can do to ensure that our children do not grow up with rigid views about gender. Pick one small change and focus on that. And when that new behaviour has become automatic, then start focusing on making another change. This way you won’t become overwhelmed!
Videos & books
There are some fantastic videos and books that will help with explaining transgender to your child.
Resources to help with talking about bodies
My mission is to create resources that will help you to naturally talk to your kids about sex, all while respecting your personal values.
Which means that inside this website, you’ll find lots of resources to help you with talking to your child about bodies.
My Sex Education 101 page includes all of the information on sex education. You’ll find lots of different blog posts to help with getting started, on a wide range of different topics – bodies, consent, diversity, porn, sexual intercourse and more.
You’ll find videos about sex education (and bodies) in my Sex Education Videos resource page that you can watch with your child or to learn more about sex education yourself.
You’ll also find an extensive range of sex education books for children, for kids of all ages. There are even some books in there for parents! And a list of children’s books about bodies and children’s books about private parts.
If you’re looking for some ideas on how to talk to your child about bodies, How to Talk to Kids About Bodies, will help you to start naming the private body parts and to have shame-free conversations with them about bodies. It is filled with lots of different ideas on how to have natural conversations with your child about their body.
You’ll also find some child-friendly anatomically-correct cartoon illustrations of the genitals and internal reproductive organs that are appropriate for children from the age of 3 and up. Let’s Look at Different Body Parts is a printable that will help take the awkward out of talking to your child about their body, so they grow up feeling educated, confident, and comfortable in their own skin.
Or if you’re looking for an activity that you can sit down and complete with your child, then you may want to look at my activity books. They are perfect for starting natural conversations whilst your hands are busy.
If you’re worried that talking to your child about bodies might lead to questions about sex, then you can relax. How to Talk to Kids About Sex, will help you to explain sexual intercourse to your child in a way they will understand. It breaks sex down into simple steps that take the stress out of explaining!
If you want a printed book to hold in your hands, then The Sex Education Answer Book will give you age-specific answers to the most common questions kid’s ask parents about sex. Which means you don’t need to worry about finding a child-friendly explanation that your child understands.
If you want the answers to questions about a lot more than just sex, then the Sex Ed Quickies is your best option. This web-based app has answers to 300+ questions that kids commonly ask parents, including how babies are made, sexual intercourse, body parts, puberty, relationships, pregnancy, birth, masturbation, sexual diversity, gender, pornography, STIs, contraception and much more.
And if you get stuck, feel free to get in touch! You can contact me here.