Helping parents navigate child masturbation | From babies to teens

Let’s talk about masturbation in children, as I receive a lot of questions about it from worried parents in my inbox and on social media.

Masturbation is a sexual behaviour that makes most parents feel uncomfortable, and they often don’t know how to respond.

This blog post will help you understand why your child might be masturbating, what to do when you see it happening, and how to do this without shame. You’ll also find information that is written specifically for babies & toddlers, children, tweens and teens.

If you’d like to learn how to have other sex-ed conversations, have a look at my Sex Education 101 page.

Let’s get started!

What is child masturbation?

So what is child masturbation?

Masturbation simply means stimulating the genitals or other parts of your body for pleasure. It’s seen as a sexual behaviour that some (not all) children may do as they grow up. I talk about child sexual development in this blog post.

Children will touch their genitals because it feels nice. They may touch their vulva, penis and/or anus. They know that if they touch their genitals (or body) in a certain way, a nice feeling will happen. This feeling might help your child fall asleep, feel more relaxed, or just be something to do when they feel bored.

So for kids, child masturbation is more about accidentally discovering their genitals can feel nice when they touch them in a certain way. 

They explore their body and discover a part that feels nice when they touch it. It usually starts as vague fiddling that may become more purposeful later on when they discover that it can feel quite nice (some kids may orgasm). Or they might discover that if they sit on top of their favourite teddy and rock backwards and forwards, it can feel really nice (I talk about humping in a different blog post). They don’t know that it is a feeling that adults associate with sexual pleasure. They just know that it feels nice.

So child masturbation is just about children touching their genitals because it feels nice. They don’t do it because they are having sexual thoughts or are feeling aroused.

Why do kids masturbate?

Not all children will masturbate. Some do and some don’t, and both are normal age-appropriate sexual behaviours! So your child isn’t abnormal if they are (or aren’t)  masturbating.

Child masturbation is something that kids usually discover as they explore their bodies or while they are playing.

It might be something that they do occasionally. Or it might be something that they do regularly. Some kids might rub their genitals at nap time, when watching the TV or when they are bored, stressed or tired.

So as well as feeling nice, it is a behaviour that can soothe and relax them, just like thumb sucking and hair twirling does. You could look at it as another way for kids to manage their feelings.

Should you ever worry?

Most of the time, there isn’t anything to worry about. Child masturbation is usually an age-appropriate behaviour.

The only time to be worried about your child’s masturbation is when:

• It becomes compulsive, i.e. they do it ALL the time.
• It begins to interfere with normal life, e.g. every time they sit on their bike, they spend more time rubbing themselves on the seat than actually riding it.
• Or it stops your child from doing other things, eg they choose to masturbate rather than play with a toy or friend.

If their masturbation doesn’t feel age-appropriate, then I have a free resource about worrying sexual behaviours that will help you know whether to worry (or not).

Masturbation is rarely a sign of sexual abuse, but I am a firm believer in trusting your ‘gut instinct’. If your ‘gut instinct’ tells you that something is going on, then access my free resource or seek advice from a health professional.

I want to briefly mention infantile gratification disorder. It is uncommon, but I still hear from parents about it being diagnosed in their child a couple of times a year. So I think it is worth mentioning.

What if they are inserting items?

I also want to talk about when children insert objects into their anus, as it does happen.

Sometimes children will insert things into their bottom (or anus) and or vagina. Most of the time, it is innocent and just exploratory and a part of the ‘game’ they are playing with their friend. But, it is a good idea to gently explore how the ‘inserting part’ happened, to ensure they aren’t doing it because of exposure to porn, seeing adults have sex, or something that another kid told them. So you may also need to say to them that sex is for adults, not kids.

If they are inserting, they’ll need to be told it isn’t safe and that your family rule is ‘We don’t put things in ears, up noses, in bottoms, in vaginas or into the hole at the end of the penis (where pee comes out) or under the foreskin. We have these rules to keep your body safe.’

So what do you do when you find your child masturbating?

Child masturbation might be seen as age-appropriate sexual behaviour in children, but does that mean that you should stand by and just let them go for it? Whenever and wherever they want to?

It might be age-appropriate, but they still need guidance on when and where to do it.

The shame-free approach to masturbation is to take it slowly and gently. It might take longer for them to understand what they can (or can’t do), but your child won’t feel shame. This approach also helps to prevent their masturbation from becoming an attention-seeking behaviour.

Don’t expect them to understand your new masturbation rules immediately. It can take time for ‘the message’ to sink in!

The main thing to remember is to stay calm and not make a big deal about it. And to not discipline your child for masturbating.

Babies and toddlers

So what do you do (about masturbation) when it comes to babies and toddlers?

At this age, it is usually just an exploration of their genitals. They are very tactile at this age and learn by sticking things in their mouth or touching things with their hands. So, it is quite natural for them to grab their genitals during a nappy change or in the bathtub. It is just a different part of the body to explore, and they take advantage of easy access when their nappy is off, or they are naked.

When changing their nappy, it is okay to let your child grab their genitals and explore this part of their body. At this age, it isn’t going to awaken any sexual feelings or create any problems as they get older. They are just touching their genitals because they are curious about their body, and they learn best by touch.

If your baby or toddler is humping, please read my blog post about what to do when your baby or toddler is humping.

Sometimes babies and toddlers can be quite rough when handling their genitals, and you may cringe and wonder if they are actually causing any damage. They usually stop when it becomes painful, but sometimes, you may need to redirect their attention away from what they are doing, especially if they develop chafing or redness. Distract them with a toy or new activity and limit their naked time. And keep their fingernails short so they don’t scratch themself.

This is also a good time to start teaching them the names of private body parts! This blog post will show you how to get started with naming private body parts.

Children

So what do you do (about masturbation) when it comes to children?

First of all, take a deep breath.  Don’t panic and get angry when you find your child touching their genitals. This can give your child negative messages that can impact their self-esteem, body image and, later on, their comfort with sex as an adult.

Teach your child the difference between public and private.  We have public and private places, where public means there are people around and private means just you. Parts of your body can be private too, and these parts are usually covered up by underwear. The private body parts include your penis, bottom and mouth or vulva/vagina, mouth, bottom and breasts.

You could try saying something like, “It’s okay to touch your penis/vulva, but because it is a private part of your body, you should only touch it in a private place, like your bedroom. You can only do this at home.”

Set limits by informing your child about your family rules on touching genitals. Remind them that it is a private activity that should happen privately. It can sometimes take many conversations until your child fully understands the concept of private.

You can then send them to their bedroom (or another designated private place). You could say something like, “I know that it can feel nice to touch your penis/vulva, but you are in a public space where other people can see you. Do you want to go to a private place now?” They will usually need lots of gentle reminders before they automatically remember your family rules.

Sometimes, you might need to distract your child from touching their genitals, especially if you have visitors or are out of the house. When you see them starting to masturbate, try to redirect their attention to another activity. You might suggest they start playing with their blocks or see if they can click their fingers together or some other age-appropriate task that is readily available. You could even try saying something like, “Look how nice it is outside, let’s go and play outside”.

Don’t make a big deal out of it, when you find your child masturbating. Kids enjoy any attention, good or bad, so you could inadvertently end up encouraging this behaviour. Approach it as you would approach any other annoying habit that they have.

Now, I talk about all of these things in more detail in my detailed parent guide about child masturbation. There are also some good children’s books that talk about body safety.

Oh, and you may want to add that they will need to wash their hands after touching their genitals.

Try to use your everyday voice when reminding your child, as you don’t want them to think that they are in trouble or to feel ashamed.  So remind your child in the same voice that you might use when asking them if they can go and have a shower.

As they get older, kids will usually realise that masturbating is a private activity and will quietly do it in private. And often, parents are unaware that it is happening.

Tweens and teens

Puberty is when masturbation becomes sexual because of the hormones of puberty. As well as being responsible for changing your child’s body, hormones are responsible for changing their feelings about sex. People with a penis will begin to create sperm and will ejaculate semen, either through wet dreams or masturbation. People with a vulva will be able to climax or reach orgasm (if they aren’t already).

This is an age where you may need to talk about lubricants, sex toys and pornography. Oh, and hygiene! Please don’t forget to talk about handwashing, sex toy care, clean up of bodily fluids etc.

Lubricants help to make masturbation more comfortable. If they don’t have any, they’ll often find something else to use instead, like body moisturiser, cooking oil from the kitchen or liquid soap when in the shower. If you suddenly start using a lot more soap and moisturiser than usual, this could be why. Providing them with lubricants that are designed for masturbation can sometimes be cheaper as well as healthier for their genitals. If you want to learn more about lubricants before talking with your tween or teen, then here’s a blog post written to educate teens about lubricants but is also educational for parents.

This is an age where some tweens or teens may request a sex toy. Or they will use a household item instead, like your electric toothbrush (that vibrates). Sometimes they may start inserting objects into their vagina or anus. This can be risky as they could damage themselves internally or lose an item in their rectum (which means a trip to your emergency department for it to be removed). So sex toys are often a safer option than allowing them to make their own sex toys. Just make sure you google whether it’s legal to purchase a sex toy for a minor in your state or country first.

If the thought of talking about lubricants and sex toys with your tween or teen is intimidating, then the best resource to help you feel more confident is my parent guide, The Parents’ Guide to Masturbation, which will leave you feeling comfortable and confident about raising the subject of masturbation with your teen. I talk about lubricants and sex toys in more detail inside there, including the use of pornography for masturbation.

What about masturbating to pornography? The concern that I have when teens masturbate to porn is that often it is the only way they will masturbate. And because they’re still going through sexual development (and their body and brain are still developing), it can be problematic as they are training their body to respond in a set way. Porn makes masturbation quick, and they also don’t get to understand their own body either. I talk about this in a lot more detail in my parent guide about masturbation. So occasionally, masturbating to porn is okay (but not all the time), but have a read of my blog post about porn as I talk in there about whether it is okay to let kids view porn.

Is masturbation sinful?

Some people believe that masturbation or sexual self-stimulation is sinful because of their religious views.

If these are your beliefs, how then do you talk to your child about not touching their genitals without making them feel ashamed or guilty about their body and feelings?

First of all, when sharing your values and beliefs about sexuality, it is important to explain the meaning behind them, i.e. why you have these beliefs. If you can explain the reason behind your beliefs, then your child is more likely to understand and respect your wishes. But you need to remember that sexual values are personal. As your child grows up, they will develop their own values. So there is no guarantee they will develop values that are similar to yours. But the more you talk about your values with your child, the more likely they are to have values similar to yours.

I have only found one set of children’s books that talk about masturbation without mentioning that it is sinful.  The Birds and Bees by the Book by Patricia Weerakoon is a six-book set of sex education books for children. The ‘sex book’ talks about how touching your genitals can feel good. The author suggests that ‘the good’ feelings are not wrong but that children need to be careful. The genitals are special parts of the body, they’re not dirty or bad, but they’re not toys. So these good feelings must be saved for later, for when you’re married. So children shouldn’t play with their genitals as if they are toys. They should just leave them alone and find something else to do with their hands or something else to do. And if they are having trouble with stopping, they should talk to their parents.

What I like about Patricia’s books is that there is no shame in teaching a belief about masturbation. If conversations are gentle and casual (without becoming a lecture), you have a much better chance of not installing guilt or shame. 

There is also a series of books from Luke and Trisha Gilkerson that you can read together with your child. Masturbation is discussed, but it does talk about it as being sinful. These hugely popular books are The Talk: 7 Lessons to Introduce Your Child to Biblical Sexuality, Changes: 7 Biblical Lessons to Make Sense of Puberty and Relationships: 11 Lessons to Give Kids a Greater Understanding of Biblical Sexuality.

If you belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, then Dr Jennifer Finlayson-Fife has a podcast episode on masturbation. Alternatively, you could watch this video about masturbation from Nikki Kelly, which she created as part of her Master’s internship with Sex Ed Rescue. You may also find Nikki’s sex ed series for Latter-day Saints parents, helpful too.

Children’s books about masturbation

There are some lovely children’s books that talk about masturbation that you may find helpful for having conversations. I also have a list of body safety books for children that will help you start teaching your child body safety as well as public and private.

I hope that helps you with talking to your child, as well as understanding and responding to masturbation when you see it happening.

Happy talking!
❤️ Cath

Resources for talking about child masturbation

You aren’t alone with this conversation, as I have some wonderful resources that will make talking easier.

I have a detailed parent guide about child masturbation, which will leave you feeling comfortable and confident about raising the subject of masturbation with your child. It’s suitable for talking to children of all ages and shows you how to talk in a way that incorporates your values and beliefs.

I have a blogpost to help you start teaching body safety to your child.

I have also created a parent guide about private body parts that can help you to have shame-free conversations with your child about masturbation, start talking about private and public, and to create family rules about touching bodies.

If you want to talk to your child about porn, visit my Pornography 101 page. You can also find lots of resources for the porn talk , an important conversation to have!

If you need help working out what sexual values to share with your child, then have a look at my Sexual Values Workbooks, as they are designed to give you clarity and to help you share the values that are relevant for your child now.

If you are worried about how to answer any of their questions about masturbation, then my most popular resource with parents is The Sex Ed Answer Book. It has age-specific answers to the most common questions kids ask parents about sex.

If puberty is happening, My Parent Guide to Puberty can provide you with a starting point to talk about these sometimes awkward topics. You can also learn more about puberty by visiting my Puberty 101 page.