Let’s talk about why babies hump, as we get a lot of questions from worried parents in my free Facebook sex education group for parents, that parent group.
So what do I mean by humping? I am referring to when your baby or toddler rhythmically thrusts their pelvis in a way that is similar to penetrative sexual intercourse. It could look like thrusting , gyrating, rubbing or pulling.
They may do this on the floor or in their cot. They may do it in their highchair or car seat, as there is a strap between their legs to rub against. They may also hump on top of a soft toy, the edge of the lounge, and sometimes they’ll even try to do it on your leg or arm. And it isn’t uncommon for them to get red-faced and even sweaty when they do it.
I have managed to find a Youtube video to show you what humping may look like.
Is it normal for babies & toddlers to hump?
Humping is a common behaviour in babies and toddlers. Some children will do it, and some won’t. And it is something they will eventually outgrow. So I guess you could say it is a passing phase!
And you’re not alone if you feel that your child is the only one doing it. Humping (like masturbation) is a taboo topic that parents don’t like to talk about. So lots of babies and toddlers are humping, but their parents are keeping it quiet!
Why do they hump?
Humping can happen for a few different reasons.
Self-soothing
This is the most common reason for humping, where they will hump as a way to self-soothe, to comfort themselves or to help regulate their emotions. Just like they suck their thumb, twirl their hair or cuddle their favourite teddy. They will often hump when they are tired, as well as when they are hungry or bored.
You might notice that it starts or they do more of it when they are stressed or change is happening. Like if you are moving house, are on holiday or starting daycare. So they hump as a well to self-soothe and manage their feelings.
Pleasure
Babies are born with fully functional genitals. The vagina can lubricate and the clitoris has nerves and is sensitive if touched. The foreskin and glans of the penis is sensitive because of it’s nerves and the penis can be erect. And this means that rubbing their genitals or moving their body against a surface may stimulate their nerves and feel good!
And they are smart enough to remember how to do it again, and again and again…
But they aren’t smart enough yet to realise that it is their genitals that are feeling nice. They just know that if they move their body in a certain way, that it feels nice.
To babies and toddlers, humping is just a way to get a nice feeling. They don’t realise it is a sexual behaviour that should happen in a private place and alone.
Discomfort
Sometimes babies and toddlers will hump because there is an underlying health issue. And the rubbing that happens as they hump, helps to relieve some sort of irritation, like a fungal infection, insect bite or rash. So you may want to see your family doctor to exclude any medical reasons for this behaviour.
They may also be humping because their nappy (or diaper) is uncomfortable of dirty, their clothing feels scratchy on their skin, or uncomfortable. And you mistake their wriggling and moving around as humping.
Something to also consider, is that they irritate the skin in their genital area because of their humping. And then they keep on humping, as it is a way to itch and scratch.
If you’re ever concerned, please do speak with your family doctor of child health nurse.
Attention-seeking
Attention-seeking is uncommon but it isn’t unheard of, as older toddlers may hump as a way to gain your attention. They may also do it to attract the attention of one parent (not both).
Their humping may as started as a way to self-soothe but if someone once made a fuss about them doing it, it may then turn into an attention-seeking behaviour. They also also be doing it because they’re bored and want someone to entertain them.
A good way to tell if it’s attention-seeking, is to ignore them and see what they do. If they are self-soothing, they won’t care if you’re watching (or not). If they do care, and they try to get your attention whilte they do it and may even move closer to you.
As long as they have a dry nappy, have been fed and are in a safe environment, it won’t harm them to be ignored until the humping stops.
Other reasons for humping
Now, I want to mention one last reason. It is very uncommon but I’d hate to leave it out, just in case it’s relevant. Sometimes older toddlers will hump after exposure to sexually explicit material and/or inappropriate sexual touching. So this is something to consider and they will also show others signs as well. If their behaviour worsens, or if your child starts to touch other children, adults and/or animals inappropriately.
It doesn’t mean they’re going to have a high libido or sex drive either. And it isn’t going to damage or harm their gentials (unless they are humping against a sharp object).
Is humping masturbation?
You may be wondering whether humping is masturbation (or not).
Masturbation is defined as ‘stimulating the genitals, or other areas of your body, for sexual pleasure’.
So I guess you could say it is masturbation, especially if they are doing it to seek pleasure.
But you could also say it isn’t masturbation, if they are doing it to self-soothe or for other reasons.
So it is up to you. You can call it masturbation if you want to, but you don’t have to!
How do they hump?
Young children can be very creative regarding the different ways they discover pleasure. For some, it might be rocking back and forth whilst on their tummy, and the friction on their genitals feels nice, so they keep on doing it. Some children may rub against their favourite soft toy, a blanket, pillows, their mattress, the edge of a coffee table or even your leg. Others may discover that moving their pelvis against the straps in the car seat or the highchair is also pleasurable.
When will my child stop humping?
Every child is different and some will start sooner or later. It is actually quite difficult to find any evidence-based evidence on when humping starts, so my response here is based on what I see in my free Facebook sex education group for parents, that parent group. Parents self-report their babies starting humping from as young as six months, and as late as three, or four years. Sometimes they may start later, but it does get a bit trickier with older kids as we tend to view it more as masturbation and it depends on whether it is self-soothing or not.
Should I stop my child from humping?
It’s up to you. Some parents will try to stop it, whereas others will ignore it and wait for them to outgrow their humping stage (which could take anywhere from three to fifteen months to happen).
Babies and toddlers hump for a reason, and it is usually because they’re using it to self-soothe. So if you want it to stop, then you’ll need to help them find another way to self-soothe. You could introduce a special comforter, like a soft toy or blanket for them to use when going to sleep.
You could also try to resolve the issue that is making them self-soothe eg maybe they only do it when they are overtired, and you might try to give them an early dinner, a relaxing bath and into bed earlier.
Although it can be embarrassing when they start humping in their highchair when you are out for dinner 😳, your child is unaware that others may view it as sexual. To them, it is something they do to self-soothe or because it feels nice.
And it’s usually harmless unless they are rubbing themselves against the sharp corner of a coffee table or on the family dog. If this is the case, then you would want to stop it. But if they aren’t hurting themselves (or anyone else) then you can just leave them to it.
So what can I do when they are humping?
If they are harming themself or it’s happening at the wrong place and/or time, there are a few things you can do. And before you ask, yes, they are shamefree strategies!
When you see them humping, interrupt them and redirect their attention to a different activity. You could start singing them a song, start clapping your hands, find them a toy to play with or something safe from the kitchen cupboards. Encourage them to switch their attention to something else, until they’ve stopped and are focused on the new activity. You may also need to give them a cuddle if you feel that they need to be reassured.
If your child is using a part of your body to hump, like your leg or arm, then you can gently move them away from you and move into a different position so they don’t restart it. You may also have to redirect their attention to something else as well. Please don’t feel that you have to allow this to happen, as you don’t.
If your child is humping the family pet, interrupt them and redirect their attention to a different activity. You may also have to move the family pet to a different place until they’re fully focused on their next activity.
If they are humping an object, like their favourite teddy bear, the bolster on the lounge or something else from around the house, you can remove that object and see what happens. Don’t be surprised if later on, they find something else to hump instead.
If it’s attention-seeking, then respond to it in the same way you’d respond to any other annoying attention-seeking behaviour, and ignore it. Pretend you don’t see what they are doing, grab a book, or turn on the tv or look at your phone, or stand at the window and pretend you’ve found something interesting to look at. It’s important that you don’t look at them or say anything either. Another option is to leave the room, and if they follow you and keep on doing it, then keep on ignoring them. Whilst you are trying to break this pattern of attention-seeking behaviour, try to spend more time with them than usual so they don’t need to seek your attention in the humping way. The trick with this one is patience, so persist and eventually they’ll stop and it’ll become an embarrasssing story you can one day share with them when they’re older!
Sometimes you can’t redirect their attention away from humping, and they may cry and even get angry if you try to redirect their attention. So in this situation, you will need to do some investigating. Start a ‘humping diary’ and jot down what time of the day they do it, and what they were doing before they started to hump. After a few days or even a week, you will hopefully start to see a pattern in their behaviour. If you can work out what’s triggering the behaviour, and you can remove (or lessen) the triggers, then you’ve got a better chance of changing their behaviour.
Another situation that I’ve seen shared by parents in my free Facebook sex education group for parents, that parent group, is when children start to hump and they beome increasingly frustrated. They may persist for up to 20 or 30 minutes, be red-faced and sweaty, and become frustrated and quite upset. It’s possible that it may be getting frustrated because they can’t get that nice feeling happening. They may even be starting to get that nice feeling, but it keeps slipping away and they lose it. It’s a bit like an elusive orgasm for adults, where you can feel yourself building up to it, but you never quite get there. So in your child’s situation, you can try to interrupt them and redirect their attention to a different activity. If you leave them to hump, they may wiggle around until they find a way that feels nice, but they may not either. They are still little and aren’t capable yet of problem solving, so they may just keep on getting frustrated. If that happens please contact me with what’s going on and I’ll let you know what I think.
Eventually your baby or toddler will outgrow their humping stage, but it could take anywhere from three to fifteen months for this to happen.
When should I worry about humping?
Most of the time, humping is an innocent behaviour that makes babies and toddlers feel good and helps them to self-soothe.
If it is something that happens suddenly, they start doing it more often (like multiple times in a day), and/or they seem to be upset when they do it, then you may want to check with your family doctor that there isn’t a health issue going on. You may (or may not) seen signs of irritation.
If there is irritation, it could be trauma from their humping. But they could also have a fungal infection or nappy rash that is making them itchy, and humping helps them to alleviate the itch.
So when in doubt, it is a good idea to get it checked out!
Do I need to send them to a private place?
A lot of parents are unsure about whether they should send their toddler to a private place.
At this age, it is a waste of time, as they are just too little to understand. Leave the ‘private’ conversation for when you think they are capable of understanding.
If theya re old enough to understand, then have a read of my blogpost on child masturbation, as it will guide you in placing boundaries.
Should I leave the room when they hump?
You don’t need to leave the room when your baby or toddler is humping. They are too young to understand the concept of privacy, and may even become distressed if you leave them alone.
What if they are doing it in the car seat or the high chair? Or when other people are around?
Humping when they are in their car seat or high chair is very common, as the straps provide them with something to rub their genitals against. If you can, try to redirect their attention to another activity, eg play their favourite music in the car and encourage them to sing along, ask them to look for red cars, or people walking dogs.
Sometimes though, you just have to ignore it and wait for them to outgrow this behaviour. They are just too little to understand that it is a private activity. And although it may make you feel uncomfortable, you don’t need to leave the room and give them a private space. Those instructions happen when they are old enough to understand (and remember) what you are saying!
What if another adult says something about it?
You could be the best parent in the world, and someone will still find something to criticise you for!
If someone tells you that your baby or toddler is humping, you can politely nod your head and thank them for letting me know. You could also explain that it is something they do to self-soothe. If it is in public and it is making other people feel uncomfortable, you can interrupt them and redirect their attention to a different activity.
Resources
There’s not a lot of resources to suggest for your humping, as it is a behaviour they will outgrow.
I have a blogpost about what to do when children masturbate.
I have a Parent Masterclass about child masturbation, which will leave you feeling comfortable and confident about raising the subject of masturbation with your child. It’s suitable for talking to children of all ages and shows you how to talk in a way that incorporates your values and beliefs.