Let’s talk about kissing children on the lips, as it is contentious when parents ask about it in my free Facebook sex education group for parents, that parent group.
Is it okay to kiss your child on the mouth?
A lot of parents worry about whether it is okay to kiss their child on the lips (or mouth). And honestly, I don’t blame them as people are very quick to judge if they see another parent kissing their child. I still remember the photograph Victoria Beckham shared, kissing her daughter on the lips. She was shamed and criticised as a parent, all over the world. Also some people see it as sexualising
So…
Is it acceptable to kiss your child on the lips? Or to kiss them on the mouth?
Yes, it is okay to kiss them on the lips and there are no laws (that I know of) that are broken by doing it. But it must be consensual. Forcing a child to kiss on the mouth, when their body language says they are uncomfortable or they’ve said that don’t like it, is not consensual.
Ultimately, it is something you should decide for yourself, and what is best for your family.
When should you stop kissing kids on the lips?
There isn’t a ‘set age’ for when you should stop kissing children on the lips, as it is a personal decision that is heavily influenced by your own values and beliefs, as well as societal expectations.
So every family handles this one differently and in a way that works for them.
What they do may also change if the parent is a different gender to their child. Often fathers will stop kissing their daughters on the mouth as puberty approaches, and this can stem from fear that kissing on the lips will be misinterpreted as grooming or sexual abuse.
As children go through puberty, it isn’t uncommon for them to change the way they greet people and family. So it’s important to follow your child’s lead, as to what is (and isn’t) okay for them.
So…
My advice is that mouth kissing should stop when someone feels uncomfortable about it.
What if your child wants to kiss you on the mouth?
A saying that I often find myself repeating to parents, is that if someone doesn’t like what’s happening, then it needs to stop.
So if you are comfortable with being kissed on the mouth by your child, then let it happen. At the end of the day, you do what works for your family.
If you aren’t comfortable with mouth kissing, then you can gently let your child know this. You could say something like, ‘Some families like to kiss on the mouth, but in our family we like people to kiss on the cheek instead’.
If they ask why, you could talk about safety and say something like this, ‘That’s just the rules for our family. It’s about keeping children safe.’
What if your child dislikes it when people kiss them on the mouth?
Sometimes children dislike it when people kiss them on the mouth. It could be all people or just some people.
If someone feels uncomfortable about kissing on the mouth, then it should stop. This is an important part of body safety, where children are encouraged to listen to their inner warning signals and to tell an adult who will help them to be safe.
The best approach to take with this one is curious.
First of all praise your child for telling you. You could say something like, ‘Thank you for telling me that you don’t want to be kissed on your mouth’.
Ask your child why they don’t want to be kissed on the mouth. It might be because of the scratchy feeling if someone hasn’t shaved. Try to understand what they don’t like about it and why they don’t want to be kissed on the lips.
Ask your child if it is everyone or just certain people. If it’s certain people, try to find out what they don’t like about kissing that person.
Ask your child what they would like to do instead of kissing on the mouth. Do they want a kiss on their cheek, forehead, or somewhere else? If they don’t want a kiss, what is another way to greet people. A hug, a wave, shaking hands? They may need some suggestions to help them work out an alternative way.
Ask your child if they will need your help with communicating their wishes. You may need to help them tell that person. You may also need to prewarn the person (they don’t want kisses from) of the requested change. If you’re unsure of how to broach this with them, I have a blog post about setting boundaries with grandparents. It is worth a read, as I talk about how to encourage family members to respect your child’s wishes.
What if it’s a cultural or family tradition to kiss?
Sometimes there are cultural expectations and family traditions where mouth kissing is something that has always happened.
And trying to change things is very difficult, and you will probably be judged for wanting to do so.
So, what can you do…
You could be an advocate and stand up for your child. Step in and prevent it from happening. You could message family and let them know how your child feels about it. I talk in more detail about how to do this in my blog post about setting boundaries with grandparents.
And sometimes, it is just too hard to change things. You may have tried everything, and they keep doing it.
If this is your situation, then it’s important to have ongoing conversations about body safety and consent. You may also want to explain why this happens and try to give your child some insight into what is happening. You could even suggest they move their head to the side so they get kissed on the cheek (instead of the mouth). As your child becomes older, you can then try to support them in saying no. You could help them find a way to tell people to not kiss them on the lips, and get them to practice it with you. You could encourage them to stand back as people swoop in for a kiss and to either wave hello or put out a hand to shake. You will need to be their advocate as well.
But isn’t that giving them mixed messages? Yes, it is giving them mixed messages but sometimes you have to work with what you’ve got. So make sure you keep on talking about body safety and consent, and your child will be fine.
I also want to mention, that if your child is upset or uncomfortable with the kissing, then you will need to step in and firmly speak up for them. If your child’s mental health is affected, then people need to be told and reminded that continuing their behaviour is harming their relationship with your child.
Is it okay for kids to kiss each other?
It’s up to you, as to whether you allow your child to kiss other children. Some families are fine with it, and other families aren’t.
If it is okay for your child to kiss other children on the lips, then you will need to remind your child that they need to ask first ie they need to ask before they kiss someone. I have a blog post to help you with teaching your child about consent. They may need a few reminders until they remember to ask first.
You may also need to explain that some families don’t like kids kissing each other. So the parents of the other child might not like it and stop them. Diversity is an important message to share with children, ie everyone is different and that’s okay. There are some wonderful children’s books about diversity that can help kids understand that there are lots of different ways to do things, especially in families.
If it is not okay for your child to kiss other children, then you could say something like this, ‘Our family rules are that it isn’t okay for children to kiss each other. What’s another way you could goodbye to your friend?’
If anyone questions your rules, just explain that it’s a safety rules, and rules about safety are non-negotiable.
What if they try to ‘practice’ their kissing with me?
This happens, and I still remember when my son was 4 or 5 and tried to practice his kissing with me. It felt very awkward and uncomfortable.
And it is only natural that they do this, when we think about the world our children are growing up in. It’s an oversexualised world, where kids are constantly being bombarded with sexualised messages. They get it from the movies & cartoons they watch, the music they listen to, the media, and even their friends.
So when this happens, you could try being curious. You could stop the kiss, and say something like ‘That was a different kiss tonight, how come?’ and see what they say. If they look sheepish or don’t respond, you could then follow up with ‘That felt like the type of kiss that you might see on tv, or a romantic kiss that adults might do.’. You can then share your values about when it is okay for them to do that type of kissing. You could say ‘I think that type of kissing is for adults, and not kids. So how about you kiss me the way you usually do, and you can practice that type of kissing with someone when you’re grown up.’
This will usually get them to stop, and you may have to remind them a couple of times until the message sinks in!
Resources to help with talking
There are some lovely children’s books that will help with starting conversations with your child! I have reviewed some children’s books about love, and you may also like to look at these children’s books about families and relationships, as well!
I have a blog post that will tell you how to get started with teaching body safety. And I’ve also reviewed a lot of children’s books about body safety that are great for starting and continuing conversations.
I have a blog post that will help to start talking about consent with your child, as well as reviews of children’s books about consent that are good for teaching and reinforcing your messages.