Explaining how babies are made (and sex)

Let’s talk about how babies are made, as I receive emails each week from parents who are unsure of what to say and how to get started!

So, you’re not alone if you’re struggling with explaining how babies are made (or sexual intercourse). It’s a conversation that many parents struggle with.

Maybe your child has asked, ‘How was I made?’ or ‘How are children made?’. And you just don’t know how to answer them.

Do you tell the truth? Or maybe you should tell them a little white lie instead! Tell them a story about a pumpkin patch, a stork (like in that movie), or a special baby shop (that sells real-live babies).

And are they old enough for this information?

This blog post is designed to help you start explaining how babies are made to your child and to briefly mention sex as one of those ways if you want to.

And if you want to learn more about what sex education is all about, then the best place to do that is my Sex Education 101 page.

Let’s get started!

Why do I need to tell them how babies are made?

You’re not alone, as many parents struggle explaining how babies are made.

And at some time – either now or in the not-so-far future – you’re going to have to talk to your child about sex. 

And yes, that can be a pretty scary thought!

What if I say too much?  Won’t they lose their innocence? What if they ask me a question?

Sometimes it can feel as if there are more reasons to NOT talk to your child about sex than there are reasons to talk. If that’s you, then have a read of this blog post where I talk about the reasons why you should be talking to your child about sex.

But your child is going to learn about sex, whether you like it or not. And if they don’t learn from you, it’ll be someone else.

The problem with learning about sex from others is that the messages they receive about sex are usually inaccurate, misleading and confusing.

So, the conversation needs to happen whether you like it or not. So, the sooner that you learn how to explain sex to kids, the better!

Is my child old enough to understand sex?

A lot of parents worry about whether their child is old enough to know about sex. It’s a valid fear and is a question I have even asked myself when talking with my children!

So, if you have lingering doubts about whether your child is old enough (or not), then you should read this blog post, as it will help you to work out if your child is ready to learn about sex.  

You might be surprised by what you find!

But at the end of the day, if they’re old enough to ask the question, they’re old enough to hear the answer.

And isn’t it better that they get accurate facts from you? Before their friends misinform them?

When is a good time to start?

 That’s up to you. Many parents leave it until the start of puberty. Some parents will explain it to their 4 year old, whereas others will save it until their child is 5, 6, 7 or even 8 years old.

So this is what I think…

If your child is 3 or 4, you can start by talking about where babies come from. You don’t have to explain sex just yet. You can talk about sex if you want to, and talking won’t harm your child, and they will forget most of what you tell them. But don’t feel that you have to.

Most kids are curious about how babies are made when they are 4 or 5 years old. Some kids might be curious sooner than this or even later. And some kids aren’t interested at all. Every child is different, and that’s okay!

If your child is 4 or 5, you can talk about where babies come from and how it takes two parts to make a baby (And yes, I will give you more information on how to do that in the next section). And again, you don’t have to explain sex just yet, but if you want to, you can!

If your child is 5 or 6 (or older), you can talk about where babies come from, that it takes two parts, and the many different ways the two parts can join. And sex is one of the ways this can happen.

Now if you are feeling like this is too soon, I want to remind you that your child is going to hear about sex regardless of whether you talk or not. So isn’t it better that they get age-appropriate facts from you? Rather than the schoolyard version of events? Or even worse, they turn to the internet with their questions (and find porn instead)?

So, the best time to explain how babies are made (and sex) is when your child is naturally curious about how a new life is made. This can be sometime between the ages of 4 and 9.

And I’ll let you in on a little secret.

When kids first ask how babies are made, it isn’t sex they’re curious about. They just want to know how a baby is made and how it gets inside the uterus. To them, sex is just a way for adults to make a baby. So all you are doing is satisfying their curiosity and helping them to understand how a new life is created. They see sex as a strange (or gross) thing adults do, and it isn’t until puberty that they start to become curious about sex.

How to explain sex to kids

Now, when looking at how to explain sex to kids, it is important to remember that it is a conversation that happens very slowly and gradually over several years. Your child will often forget what you tell them, so the conversation must be repeated.

It is lots of small conversations that happen for a long time! And not one big conversation (or what people used to call the ‘birds and bees’ talk).

So don’t feel you have to get it right the first time. Or tell them everything in one conversation! As you will have plenty more opportunities to teach them.

Where do babies come from?

So, the first question kids usually ask their parents is about where babies come from.

I have a detailed blog post showing you how to explain where babies come from. So if your child is 3 or 4, read that blog post, instead of this one! You can find it here.

If your child is four and older, keep it simple and tell them a baby grows in a uterus.

How are babies made?

Once children understand that a baby grows in a uterus, their next question is usually about how babies are made.

Keep it simple and tell them you need two parts to make a baby. One part comes from a man (or a person with testicles), and the other comes from a woman (or a person with ovaries).

There are other ways to explain this; you’ll find them in my illustrated guide, Where babies come from. It includes sample scripts and illustrations you can use to help explain.

How do the egg and sperm meet?

Next, children usually want to know how the egg and the sperm meet. There are many ways for this to happen, and sex is just one of those ways.

You can tell them that the sperm leaves through the penis and goes into the vagina. The sperm finds the egg, they join together, and a baby is made.

If they want more information than that, then you can explain that the woman lets the man place his penis in her vagina. And that is how the sperm gets into the vagina. An inclusive way to say this is that the person with the ovaries lets the person with the testicles place their penis inside their vagina. This is called sex or sexual intercourse. You may also want to discuss other ways the sperm and egg meet.

Don’t forget to let them know that sex is just for adults and not for kids.

If the thought of explaining sex gives you ‘chest pain’, then you may want to look at my crash course on Explaining Sexual Intercourse. It’ll help you explain sex in alignment with your values and beliefs – minus the shame, awkwardness or fear.

How does the baby get out?

‘Babies usually come out through the vagina (or between the legs). Sometimes, a doctor has to make a special cut in the tummy to get the baby out.’

Again, you can keep it pretty simple. You don’t need to talk about labour and how the cervix dilates just yet. Wait until your child starts to ask for that type of information.

The more you talk, the easier it gets

As parents, explaining sex to kids can initially feel a bit tricky. We all feel awkward and uncomfortable when we first start something new.

Can you remember what it was like when you brought home your first baby? How awkward changing their nappies(or diapers) felt? At first, you weren’t very good at putting nappies on, and sometimes they fell off or even leaked, especially after a huge poo.

But you stuck at it, never gave up, and got better at it! You could confidently put on a nappy that stayed on and didn’t leak, even with those explosive poos!

Talking to kids about sex is a similar thing.

You feel awkward at the beginning, but eventually, you get more used to it and better at it. You may still feel uncomfortable, but the level of discomfort will decrease over time. Explaining sex to kids does get easier over time.

The important thing to remember, though, is that what matters is that you’re talking about sex! Yes, you are teaching them some facts, but by talking about sex, you’re letting your child know that you can talk to them about the tricky stuff that matters.

If you can talk to your child about sex, they will know that they can talk to you about anything. It will open the doors for ongoing conversations about anything – the things that parents want to know about.

If you’re an LGBTQ parent

If you’re LFBTQ, you may wonder if your conversation will differ.

It’ll change a little as you may need to explain where the sperm or egg came from.

If you and your parenting partner (if you have one) don’t have ovaries or testicles, then you could explain where you got them from. For example, a friend, a family member or a special clinic that gives them to people who don’t have their own.

Regarding how the sperm and egg meet, you could explain that a special doctor had to help them meet outside (or inside) the body.

And in case you’re wondering, all of the resources in the Sex Ed Shop are inclusive for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and non-binary parents.

Tips for explaining sex to kids

Embarrassment is normal. The more you talk, the sooner you feel more comfortable with the whole thing.

You can’t give them too much information. Well, technically, you can give them too much information, but it doesn’t matter if you do. Kids usually forget anything they don’t understand or aren’t ready to hear. You’ll be fine as long as you explain things at the same level of understanding as you usually do!

KISS – Keep It Super Simple. Try to explain sex in the same way that you would explain where the milk in their cereal came from.

Small, frequent, repeated chats. It is no longer one talk about sex, it is about many chats over the whole of childhood.

Say ‘I don’t know’ if you don’t know the answer to their question. If you don’t know the answer to their question, tell your child that you’ll get back to them later with a reply. And make sure that you do! And if you get stuck, The Sex Ed Answer Book is filled with age-specific answers to the most common sex questions.

Share your values and beliefs about sex. Start letting your child know what sexual behaviours and attitudes are okay and not okay in your family. And make sure that you also explain why you feel this way. This blog post talks more about sexual values and beliefs.

I hope that helps you with explaining how babies are made to kids, as well as sexual intercourse.

Happy talking!
❤️ Cath

Resources for explaining how babies are made

You aren’t alone with this conversation, as I have some wonderful resources that will make explaining easier.

Children’s books are a great way to teach your child. There are some wonderful children’s books about how babies are made, and the books in this list are books about sex and the different ways to make a baby. I also have books about IVF as well as inclusive sex education books. If choosing a book is too hard, then the books I always recommend to parents are in this list of the 10 best sex education books for children (of all ages).

If you need help working out what sexual values to share with your child, then have a look at my Sexual Values Workbooks, as they are designed to give you clarity and to help you share the values that are relevant for your child now.

If you are worried about how to answer their questions about sex, then my most popular resource with parents is The Sex Education Answer Book. It has age-specific answers to the most common questions kids ask parents about sex.