Let’s talk about when children make sexual moaning noises, as we get a lot of questions about it in my free Facebook sex education group for parents, that parent group.
Okay, social media (like TikTok) and is responsible for a lot of trends that go viral. Making moaning sounds is one of them. And it doesn’t matter what country you are in, as it is happening in the USA & Canada, in Australia & New Zealand, in the UK & Europe, and I even have parents from the Middle East, South Americas, Africa and Asia complaining about children making inappropriate sexual noises. (And apologies if I have missed your part of the world, as I am sure it is happening there too!)
So moaning is a very common concern from parents, regardless of where you live in the world! 🗺️
In this blogpost, we are going to look at what moaning is and why kids do it, whether it’s all kids or gender-specific, what to do when they start moaning, whether to talk about sex (or not), how to handle it when kids moan, and the different things to talk about.
The information in this blog post can also be applied when responding to ‘potty talk’ or ‘toilet talk’ as well as using sexual language, pulling down pants, wiggling bottoms and shaking penises at people and all the other annoying behaviours that are stages children go through as they grow up.
What is moaning?
If you are reading this blog post, then you will already know what I mean. But just in case you don’t, moaning is where children will make a moaning sound. And it sounds like the moaning sound that people may make when being sexual with someone.
Why do kids moan?
There are some different reasons as to why kids like to make moaning noises.
First of all, it could be seen as ‘toilet talk’ or ‘potty talk’ which is seen as a typical behaviour in early childhood and during the school years. So you could liken it to how they enjoy making fart noises, talking about poo, penises & vulvas, and swearing.
The other reason children make moaning noises is because other kids are doing it. So they are copying their peers and the older children they look up to. So it’s about fitting in and being like other children.
Moaning is a lot of fun for them. It makes their friends laugh and they have great fun seeing who can make the loudest or funniest moan. Kids enjoy being silly and moaning can be a way to be silly.
When they make a moaning sound, they get a reaction. Their friends laugh when they do it, so they’ll bring it home and expect you to laugh as well. And they don’t seem to mind or care that we aren’t laughing as they are still getting a reaction from you.
Is it an attention-seeking behaviour? Sometimes kids don’t care how they get your attention, aslong as they get your attention, they’ll be happy. So sometimes moaning can be an attention-seeking behaviour at home, regardless of negative reactions. a way for your child to get your full undivided attention! So it can sometimes be
It’s impulsive. Sometimes children just don’t have the skills to manage strong impulses, and they can’t stop themselves from making the moaning sound (even though they know you won’t approve). Kids start to develop these skills between the age of two and five, but you won’t start to see signs of impulse control (or self-regulation) until they are seven, and even then it will still take years for them to fully master it.
Have they been exposed to online pornography or other sexually explicit material? Another possibility (though uncommon) is that they’ve seen you and/or another parent or adult be sexually active.
Sometimes moaning can be a form of sexual harassment, and sadly it is gendered. It usually involves tween and teen boys making sexual moaning, groaning and grunting noises, as well as playing these sounds aloud on their devices or moaning when girls walk by or when they’re on the school bus. They do it because they know it embarrasses people. They know that it can be a sexual sound and that their behaviour is inappropriate. Depending on their level of maturity (and ability to feel empathy) they may be unaware of how offensive and intimidating to girls and women, and that sexual harassment is unlawful in most countries and states around the world.
So as you can see, kids moan for several different reasons. And some of these reasons are alarming!
Do kids know the sound is sexual?
Sometimes children will moan and not know that it can be a sexual sound, especially if they are younger and puberty has not started. If they are more mature, then they may know that it is also a sexual sound. Especially if they have older siblings or play with older kids in their neighborhood. And then the kids that know that it is also a sexual sound, then let the other kids know that moaning can sound like sex, and it goes on and on and on…
As kids get closer to the start of puberty, they slowly become more curious about puberty and sex. And if parents haven’t already informed them, then they may hear about it from their friends. Pre-puberty is also the time when some children turn to the internet with their questions about bodies and sex. They usually find porn and quickly learn that the moaning noises that everyone is making also have a sexual meaning.
And when they hit their teens, a lot of them would know the sound is sexual, but some may still not know (especially if they are less mature).
What I’ve noticed is that when topics (like sex) are talked about openly by parents, their kids don’t get caught up in the whispering and giggling about moaning and sex. They already know what sex is, it’s no great secret in their house and they don’t understand what all the fuss is about!
Should I ever worry about their moaning?
Most of the time, moaning is just an annoying thing that kids are innocently doing.
But…
You still need to keep in the back of your mind that sometimes kids moan for other reasons. For reasons that you want to know about!
If they’ve been exposed to online porn or other sexually explicit material, then you will need to talk with them about it. I have shared some resources to help you with talking about porn in the resources section (at the bottom of this blogpost).
If it is sexual harrassment, then you should definitely be concerned. This is problematic behaviour and it also suggests that they have taken on a lot of the harmful messaging that teens get from viewing online porn. So you would want to have ongoing conversations about respectful relationships, consent, and the legal ramifications of their behaviours.
From what age do kids start to moan?
Moaning can start at any age, but this is what I see happening with the families in my free Facebook sex education group for parents, that parent group. We get a lot of posts about moaning!
I have had parents with children as young as four and five years old, complaining about their kids coming home from school making moaning sounds. So yes, even kinders and preschoolers are exposed to it.
I see a lot of parents with primary school-aged kids complaining about them making moaning noises. As well as middle school.
It isn’t as common with tweens and teens, but I still do see the occasional parent complaining about it in this age group.
The most common age I see parents complaining about is the pre-pubescent age. It’s an age where developmentally a lot is going on, they are trying to find their own identity whilst also being accepted by their friends. It can be a challenging time for them!
Is it just boys that moan? Or girls too?
I don’t usually genderise behaviours, but I’m afraid to say… It’s predominantly boys who make moaning sounds. That is who I hear parents complaining about.
I still do hear of this behaviour in girls, but not as often as in boys.
Why? That’s a conversation we’ll save for another day! There’s a lot of theories as to why, and it is something a lot of parents have opinions on.
Do I have to mention sex?
It’s up to you, as to whether you talk about sex (or not). Some parents will and some parents won’t, so do what feels most comfortable for you.
Further down this blog post, I provide you with some examples of how to explain what moaning is, but without mentioning sex.
What do I do when my child moans?
So, what could you do when your child starts moaning?
I believe that the best approach is to be curious. Be curious and try to understand where this behaviour has come from and why they’re doing it. Please don’t make assumptions, as you may be wrong. Try to stay as open minded as you can!
And please, don’t take your child’s behaviour as a reflection of your parenting. As it isn’t! Kids will be kids and sometimes they do things you least expect!
1. What are they doing?
Ask them what they are doing. This is where you’ll explore whether your child knows what moaning is, and gives you an opportunity to explore whether they know it’s sexual or not. You could say something like, ‘What’s that sound you are making? What does it mean?’ or ‘ I wonder why you are making that noise? What are you trying to say?’
2. Why are they doing it?
Ask them why they are doing it. This is where you’ll start to explore where this behaviour came from. Ask a few questions and try to get an understanding of the intention behind their behaviour.
- Is it just a ‘potty talk’ type behaviour, that is just a developmental stage they are going through?
- Are they just copying other children? Or something they saw on YouTube, or TikTok?
- Is it something fun to do?
- Are they just being silly?
- Are they doing it to get a reaction out of people?
- Is it attention seeking?
- Is it impulsive? Do they lack the impulse control to stop themselves from moaning?
- Have they been exposed to online porn or sexually explicit material? Have they seen other p
- Is it sexual harassment?
You could say something like, ‘Are any of your friends making this sound?’ or ‘How did you learn about this new sound?’
Sometimes kids are reluctant to give answers, just in case they get in trouble. So you may have to reassure your child that they won’t get in trouble, and that you are genuinely curious.
3. What do you want to change?
Clearly tell your child what you’d like to see happen ie to stop moaning.
4. Explain what moaning is.
This is an opportunity to teach your child what moaning is, where you will provide them with information about what moaning is and what people may think when they hear children making the sound.
You don’t have to explain what moaning is, if you don’t want to. You can skip this step and move on to the next one.
If you don’t want to talk about sex, you could explain that moaning is a sound that people might make when they are feeling pleasure (like after eating their favourite food for dinner). It is also a sound that someone can make when they are feeling pain (like after having an operation, or when Grandad gets up out of his chair after a nap).
If they are older and already know what sex is, you can tell them it’s a sexual noise and it shouldn’t be used in public.
If you do want to talk about sex, you could explain that moaning is a noise that people can make (not always) when having sex. Or you could just tell them that it’s a sex noise.
5. Explain why you don’t want them to moan.
Explain to your child why you don’t them to make moaning noises. This is where you draw clear boundaries about how they can behave.
Now, there are lots of reasons why they shouldn’t be doing this thing, so share the reasons that work for your family and values. I’ll share some examples:
- It’s disrespectful.
- It is inappropriate.
- It can embarrass some people and make them feel uncomfortable.
- It’s a private noise that shouldn’t be made in public.
- Just because kids are laughing, doesn’t mean it’s funny.
- It shows bad manners.
- It’s a sexual sound.
6. Share consequences.
If your child continues to moan, you may need to bring in some consequences. The type of consequences you use will depend on your parenting style. So try to think of a consequence that could matter to your child.
I’ll share some examples of consequences:
- Other parents dislike this moaning noise as well. So if they find out that you are doing it, they won’t want their child to hang out with you as they will think you are a bad influence. They won’t allow their child to invite you over for playdates/birthday parties/sleepovers etc.
- If you make this moaning sound at school, and a teacher hears about it, you may get in trouble for it. They may make you sit inside with them instead of playing outside with your friends.
- If you continue to make this moaning noise which I have asked you to stop, then it means I can’t trust you when I’m not with you. So that means I can’t trust you to go to that birthday party next weekend.
Other things to talk about (or consider)
If their moaning is about attention-seeking, then you may need to spend a little bit more one-to-one time with your child. Try to meet their needs for attention so they don’t resort back to moaning.
If their moaning is about being silly, then talk about more appropriate ways to be silly. Provide them with an outlet, and schedule some silliness into your weekend, and make sure you join in too!
I really don’t want to say this, but sometimes you have to resort to helping your child find a more acceptable silly sound to make. Fart sounds could be a substitute. And yes they can be annoying but they are more socially acceptable and are the lesser of two evils.
Your child may require reminders. For example, before you go out you could remind them that you don’t want to hear any moaning sounds, and if you do hear them, what the consequences will be.
Praise them for the times when they don’t make moaning sounds. It’s easy to forget to do this, but it lets your child notice the change in their behaviour.
If it’s an impulsive behaviour, teach your child some impulse control techniques that they can apply.
Talk about peer group pressure. Explain that kids often do stuff because everyone else is doing it. Or they see something on social media (like TikTok) or YouTube and because they see lots of self-made videos of other kids doing it, they think that they should also be doing it. If you’re unsure about how to talk to your child about peer group pressure, the Kids Helpline in Australia has a fantastic parent guide for helping kids and teens deal with peer pressure. Their whole website is a treasure trove of useful content for parents, kids and teens!
Resources to help with tackling this ‘moaning’ behaviour
If kids are moaning, then it might be a good time to think about doing an audit of all the devices in your house and internet access. I have a Tech Check Workbook that is designed to help remove the overwhelm for this huge task.
You may also want to investigate parental controls, especially if your child is viewing things you don’t want them to see.
And if there’s been exposure to online porn, then you may want to have a look at my parent masterclass on what to do when kids have seen porn, as it will help you get started with this important conversation! I also have a porn talk course that will help you to empower your child to make smart decisions about porn.
If you haven’t already talked to your child about sex, then have a look at this blog post about how babies are made (including sex), and children’s books for explaining sex. I also have a parent guide for explaining sex (that breaks sex down into 5 simple steps), as well as a masterclass on how to explain sex to kids (for the very first time) that is designed to kickstart your conversations.
This may also be a time to revisit your sexual values, beliefs and attitudes as they will be relevant for these conversations. I also have a Sexual Values Workbook which will help to you identify what your values are, and which ones to share with your child now.
I have a blog post about child sexual development, as well as a parent masterclass to help you understand and support healthy sexual development in your child.