Let’s talk about siblings sharing a bedroom (or even a bed), as we get a lot of questions about it in my free Facebook sex education group for parents, that parent group.
Now…
Every family handles shared bedrooms differently.
In some cultures and countries, large families will share one sleeping space. Adults and children all together in one bed. Or it may be just children sharing a room or a bed that stops at puberty or not until they leave home.
Sometimes, whether your children share a room together (or not) is out of your control. Some families have small homes or extended family living with them. Not everyone has the financial privilege of allowing each child to have their own bedroom.
So, let’s look at some of the questions parents often have when children have shared sleeping spaces.
Is it legal?
As far as I am aware, there are no laws banning children from sharing a bedroom. Regardless of their age and gender.
There might be ‘recommendations’ but not laws. For example, in the UK, they recommend that children over the age of 10 should have their own bedrooms – even if they’re siblings or step-siblings. In the USA, local housing codes may stipulate if multiple children can share a bedroom (or not).
It is different with children who are in foster care, as they have their own rules as to whether children can share a bedroom together (or not). It is generally not allowed, and this will differ according to where you live in the world.
If a child has harmful sexual behaviours, you may be advised to keep them in separate bedrooms for safety matters. And if it goes to court, you may be legally obliged to keep them in separate bedrooms.
The best way to find out is to do an internet search. Search for “is it legal for siblings to share a bedroom in [your state and/country]”. For example, I would type this into a search engine, “Is it legal for siblings to share a bedroom in Western Australia?”.
What if kids are of a different sex? Or gender?
It is perfectly okay for children to share a bedroom, regardless of whether they are a different sex, of a different gender, or if they have different genitals.
If a child begins to become more private or modest, then you may have to implement some family rules about respecting privacy, navigating nudity, allowing private time (for masturbation) and alone time in general.
When we reflect on healthy sexual development in children, it is common for children to become private or more shy about their body from as young as four, with many of them becoming more shy as puberty approaches. Puberty is often a time when they will start to need privacy and personal space, so you may need to sit down with your child and try to negotiate a way to meet their needs whilst also considering current living arrangements.
What works for one family may not work for another. So it is about doing what works best for your family! As well as what you are comfortable with.
When should kids have their own sleeping space?
Every family handles this one differently, but ultimately it needs to happen when someone is feeling uncomfortable.
If you are uncomfortable about your children having a shared bedroom, then it is time for a change. This could mean separating them and moving them into their own bedrooms.
If you can’t provide them with separate rooms, then you can instead introduce boundaries or rules to address your concerns. For example, they should knock before entering if the door is closed, you could add curtains around the bed to allow privacy, you can rearrange furniture to divide a room into separate spaces, or you can create a roster that allows each child interruption-free private time in their room. Involve your children in the negotiations as they are more likely to follow the new rules if they have helped to create them. And make sure you check in with them every couple of months to ensure everyone’s needs are being met.
In regards to child masturbation, you may need to be clear in regards to your family rules. It is important that children understand that masturbation is a private behaviour that should only happen in a private place where they are alone. Boundaries can sometimes be blurred when kids share sleeping spaces, so you will need to check they clearly understand.
If your child is uncomfortable or requesting their own room, be curious and try to find out why they want a separate bedroom. If it can’t happen, then try asking them how they could see this happening within the current constraints.
What about masturbation and private time?
Allowing a private place for masturbation can be tricky, but it is possible.
You can create a family rule that says you have to knock if the bedroom door is closed. Or have a sign for the door during private time.
You can suggest other private places for your child to masturbate, like the bathroom.
You can set up a roster where they have private time in their bedroom. This is time they can spend reading a book, playing with toys or masturbating. Try to be respectful of your child’s privacy, and talk about private time as alone time to do what they want to do.
Be creative and involve your children to come up with solutions!
Is it okay for children to share the same bed?
For some families and cultures, children will share the same bed. And they may (or may not) separate them into their own bed at puberty.
So it is a matter of doing what works best for your family.
If anyone is feeling uncomfortable, then follow the comfort rule ie it is time for a change when someone feels uncomfortable.
You will need to have discussions about masturbation when others are sharing the bed with them.
Remember: Every family handles shared bedrooms (or beds) differently, so do what works with your family. And if you aren’t comfortable with it, then it’s time for it to stop.