Let’s talk about sleepovers and whether they are safe (or not), as we get a lot of questions about it in my free Facebook sex education group for parents, that parent group. Surprisingly enough, we don’t get a lot of questions about playdates. And this does surprise me, as I believe that playdates and sleepovers should be handled in a similar way by parents!
Now…
Every family handles sleepovers differently. Some parents allow them, whereas others don’t. Some see them as a rite of passage for their children or an opportunity to have a kid-free night.
At the end of the day, what you do about sleepovers (as well as playdates) is your own business. You need to do what works best for your family! So there will be no judgements made here!
So…
The purpose of this blog post is to help you make an informed decision about sleepovers. I’ll talk about the different things to consider when allowing a sleepover and how to make them safer, and I plan to answer a lot of your questions along the way!
A sleepover is a night spent by children or young people at a friend’s house.
A playdate (or play date) is a social occasion arranged for children to play together.
A slumber party is a party for teenagers, typically girls, in which all the guests stay the night at the house where the party is held.
A pyjama party is a party for children who spend the night at a friend’s house.
What is the problem with sleepovers?
Sleepovers can be problematic for a number of different reasons.
Lack of parental supervision. One thing that I have noticed about parents is that we all have our own definition of supervision. Supervision for you might be a parent visually checking in with them every half hour (or more frequently if it is suspiciously quiet or ear-deafeningly loud). Supervision for another parent might be heading out for dinner at a restaurant and leaving a teenager in charge. I have even heard of the hosting parents deciding to hold a party at the last minute, where they leave the kids inside whilst they have an adult party in the backyard.
Poor boundaries and risky behaviour. Sleepovers are often an exciting experience for children, and once you get them all together, common sense tends to go out the window. Kids will be kids, and you can’t always expect them to do the right thing. Throw in too much sugar and the excitement of ‘having a sleepover’, and it can sometimes lead to impulsive behaviour. Plus, they are more likely to succumb to peer group pressure and do things they would ordinarily not do.
Inappropriate sexual touch. There is always the risk of inappropriate sexual touch happening at a sleepover. This may be inappropriate touch from another child, an older child, or even adults. Many children haven’t been taught body safety and don’t know the rules about not touching other people’s genitals. Many parents are against sleepovers for this reason, as they were sexually abused at a childhood sleepover.
Porn exposure. In this digital age, sleepovers often involve access to the internet. Kids will often bring phones or hand-held tablets with them. Even if they’ve been told not to. Or they’ll have unlimited access to the internet of the host family, where parental controls may not be installed.
Different values and beliefs. There are many ways to parent a child, and what’s okay in one family may not be okay in another. Plus, different families have different views on screen time, what kids can watch on TV, the use of devices, the use of social media, and internet access. Their level of emotional intelligence may differ, and what they think of as ‘kids being kids’ is actually bullying!
You don’t know who else is there. Many parents assume that as long as the mother is there, their children will be safer. They forget that there may also be a father or step-father there, an uncle who lives in the granny flat out the back, or teenagers. Or that there may be visitors that night as well. They also don’t realise that at least a third of sexual abuse is by older children or teens.
Unsafe house. Different families have different rules about drugs, alcohol, and guns. So there is always the potential risk that the host child may know how to get the family gun out or where to find prescribed medication, drugs or alcohol to try out. They may also have a different opinion on what movies children may watch and may be okay with seven-year-olds watching M-rated movies or even horror. Or allow unlimited screen time.
And I am sure there are some reasons I’ve forgotten to include!
What are the benefits of a sleepover?
Sleepovers aren’t just about staying up late and having loads of pizza and sugar. They actually play a crucial role in your child’s development, helping them learn important skills like independence, adaptability, and experiencing different family traditions.
It’s also a fantastic opportunity for them to see how another family functions and allows them to practice being independent in a safe environment. It encourages them to become more flexible, learn proper etiquette, and navigate social norms in new settings.
And all of this leads to increased confidence, independence, and autonomy for your child. So please don’t underestimate the power of a sleepover. It’s more than just fun and games!
Is it safer to have sleepovers with family? Instead of friends?
A common response I’ve heard from parents when asked if their child was going to the sleepover on the weekend was that they only allow their children to have sleepovers with family.
Now, this intrigues me, as children are at greater risk of being abused by someone they know, like a family member or close family friend.
But the false belief still exists that a sleepover with family is safer than a sleepover with friends.
And sometimes, I think family sleepovers can be even riskier. Parents assume their child will be safe, so they don’t have protective conversations beforehand.
So, if you allow your child to have sleepovers with family, please treat it no differently than any other sleepover!
Is it safer to have a sleepover at my house?
It is marginally safer to host the sleepover at your house.
There is still the risk of inappropriate touching happening between children. The visiting child may have brought a phone with them (or hidden it in their bag as they know you don’t allow devices), which means they could be watching things you don’t normally allow.
Is it safer to have a mixed-gender sleepover?
This is a hot topic to talk about in this age of gender diversity, as gendered rules no longer work like they used to! Separating genders is no guarantee that the friendships are still platonic. Some of the children may be same-sex attracted (or gay or bi), and there may be romantic or sexual relationships that you don’t know about. Also, some of their friends may be transgender or non-binary, so having a rule about ‘boys only’ or ‘girls only’ isn’t inclusive and excludes their gender-diverse friends.
Inappropriate touching between children will still happen regardless of gender. So having a ‘girls only’ sleepover isn’t necessarily any safer or a way to prevent inappropriate touching.
So is a sleepover safer if the children are of the same gender? Honestly, I don’t think it makes any difference.
Some parents will allow sleepovers with kids of different genders and some don’t. Do what’s right for your family. And if you do, try to make it as safe as possible.
What’s an alternative to a sleepover?
If you don’t want your child attending sleepovers, then there are some alternatives to consider. They are a better option than a flat-out “No”. And they won’t leave you feeling like you are the worst parent in the world!
You could offer a half-sleepover. Maybe they can attend until 8pm and you will then collect them and bring them home. This might be unpopular, but the alternative is they don’t go at all!
A common response I would give to my children when they questioned a parenting decision was, “Safety is non-negotiable. Sometimes I will make decisions you don’t like, but you have to trust that I am doing it for the right reason.”
Or this response, “My job as a parent is to keep you safe. I can’t do that if you are at someone else’s house for the night.”
You could host the sleepover at your house. This way, the sleepover happens under your terms and conditions, and you have full control over how it happens.
Have a dinner and movie night instead. Explain that tonight isn’t a good night for a sleepover (or that your family doesn’t do sleepovers), but instead, they can have dinner and watch a movie together before going home. Again, it isn’t as good as a sleepover, but the alternative is that nothing happens.
Have a daytime event. Instead of a sleepover, you can suggest they do something during the daytime. You can make it special by getting takeaway pizza (or you can provide them with bases and toppings, and they can make their own) and some of their favourite treats. They can even wear their pyjamas!
What is a good age for sleepovers?
There isn’t a set age for sleepovers, as every child is different. Some seven year olds might be ready to spend the night away from home, whilst a twelve year old might not be. As parents, it’s important to consider what’s right for your child.
Here are some things to consider:
Make sure your child knows what to expect. Before heading out the door, go over the specifics of navigating bedtime routines at someone else’s house. Answer all their questions and address any concerns they may have, like whether they can bring their favourite stuffed toy (or not).
Test it out first. If you’re uncertain about whether your child is ready for a first sleepover away from home, try having a sleepover at your own house first. Or one of the other alternatives for sleepovers. This way, you can see how the kids interact and if any issues arise. And it will help ease your child into the idea of spending the night away from home.
They’ve spent time away from you before. Consider if your child is okay being away from you overnight or until they fall asleep. If they’ve stayed with babysitters or grandparents without any issues, they may be ready for their first sleepover.
It is your child’s idea. Pay attention to your child’s enthusiasm or hesitation towards sleepovers. If your child is excited and asking for a sleepover to happen, then it’s a sign that they’re ready to give it a try. On the other hand, if they seem cautious or worried about being away from home, they may need more time to warm up to the idea.
Remember, every child is unique. So trust your instincts as a parent and make decisions based on what feels right for your child. Sleepovers can be a fun and exciting experience for kids, but it’s essential to ensure their safety and comfort throughout the process.
When should sleepovers stop?
Honestly, it’s up to you as there isn’t a specific age at which parents should stop allowing sleepovers for their children.
It ultimately depends on your comfort level as a parent and your child’s maturity and readiness. And your family values and beliefs!
Some parents may feel comfortable with sleepovers continuing into the teenage years, while others may prefer to stop them as puberty starts.
If you are concerned about sexual activity happening, then you should stop all sleepovers, as teens may be attracted to someone of the same and/or of a different sex to them. So you can’t make the assumption that they are all heterosexual!
Try starting a conversation with your child about your reservations and see what they think. You know your child best, so do what you think will be the safest for them.
How do I make a sleepover safer?
Here are some ideas on how to make sleepovers safer for your child.
Make sure you know and trust the adults, and that they will be home to supervise.
It’s really important to feel confident and comfortable when leaving your child in someone else’s care. Take the time to get to know and trust the adults who will be looking after them, and make sure they’ll be present while your child is with them.
Having a quick chat with the parents of the house can help establish expectations and ensure that everyone is on the same page. It’s a simple way to set boundaries and gauge how comfortable you feel about leaving your child in their care. So, don’t hesitate to have an open and honest conversation with them.
During this conversation, feel free to ask any questions that may be on your mind. Find out about sleeping arrangements, what time lights go out, and who will be present in the home. It’s important to have all the information you need so you can make an informed decision.
Know who else will be around during the sleepover.
Will there be older children? Their friends? Maybe an uncle or someone else? It’s a good idea to know who else will be there, whether they live there or not. And please don’t forget that research suggests that children are increasingly at risk of sexual abuse from older children. So don’t overlook their peers.
Talk with your child before their sleepover.
Before your child goes for a sleepover, it’s important to have a chat with them first. It’s always good to talk about body boundaries, so take this opportunity to go over the basics. Make sure they understand their no touch areas and are aware of the warning signs of grooming. Encourage them to feel confident in knowing how to handle such situations if they ever arise. Remember, having open conversations like these helps keep our children safe and empowered.
Before your child heads off for a sleepover, it’s important to have a chat with them. It’s a good idea to already be talking about body safety with your child, but have a refresher before they go. Make sure they understand that it is not okay to look at or touch other people’s private parts, that they know what to do if they ever feel unsafe, and that they can enforce their body boundaries.
Have a code word.
A code word can be really helpful for your child, especially when they find themselves in uncomfortable or unsafe situations. It gives them an easy way out without raising any suspicions.
Here’s how it works. If your child ever feels unsafe but is too afraid to say it directly on the phone, they can simply use the code word. When they do, you’ll know right away that they need you to pick them up immediately, no questions asked.
It’s important that your child feels completely reassured and knows that using the code word won’t get them into trouble. This way, they won’t hesitate to use it when they need to. So make sure you have an open and honest conversation with them about this code word, emphasising that their safety is the top priority.
Having a code word can provide that extra layer of protection and peace of mind for both you and your child.
Check-in on your child and allow them to call you.
Make sure to check in on your child during the sleepover and let them know they can call you anytime. If your child is old enough to have their own phone, ensure they have it with them and that it’s fully charged. In case they don’t have a phone, write your contact number on a piece of paper and help them find a pocket in their bag to keep it safe. You can also share your contact information with the host parents, reassuring them that your child is free to reach out to you at any time for any reason. Even if it’s the middle of the night!
Now, this one doesn’t always work as sometimes parents will brush kids off as they don’t want to disturb parents in the middle of the night. You could also call or message the host parents and check in as to how things are going. You could also be sneaky and phone the host parents and ask to speak with your child. Think of an excuse beforehand, just in case they ask why.
Never force them to stay if they are uncomfortable or feel unsafe.
It’s important to respect your child’s feelings and comfort. If your child expresses any discomfort or hesitation about staying somewhere, even after you’ve dropped them off, please don’t force them to stay until morning. Safety plans are effective only when they’re followed, and that includes honouring your child’s emotions and boundaries. Listening to their early warning signs is an integral part of practising body safety.
Listen to your child, and trust their feelings.
Just listen to your child and trust their feelings. Sometimes, children can sense things that they might not be able to put into words or have concrete evidence for. If your child tells you that they’re uncomfortable or have a gut feeling about something, take the time to really listen and believe them. It’s important to trust their instincts and show them that you value their opinions. This helps to create an open and supportive environment where they feel safe to express themselves. Remember, your child’s comfort and well-being should always come first.