Letâs talk about how to start explaining sexual abuse to a child (without scaring them), as we get a lot of questions about it in my free Facebook sex education group for parents, that parent group.
Sexual abuse is a difficult enough subject to talk about amongst ourselves, let alone with your child. But the reality is, is that the risk of sexual abuse to children is high. The figures vary, but it is thought that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 11 boys will be sexually abused before they turn 18.
And sometimes, you might be in a situation where you need to explain what sexual abuse is to your child. But you are worried you’ll alarm your child and either say the wrong thing, say too much or even worse, not say enough.
So, my goal is to help you explain sexual abuse to your child in a way they easily understand and without alarming them.
â ď¸ TRIGGER WARNING: I will be sharing stories about the conversations I have had with children, but I won’t share details about the sexual abuse that happened. To make these stories easy to identify (in case you don’t want to read them), I will keep them in a coloured box (like what you are seeing now).
The most important thing to remember about your conversations
Children focus more on how you communicate rather than just the words you use.
So yes. Sexual abuse is a scary topic. But when we talk about it in a safe environment and in an open, honest and straightforward way, then children aren’t frightened.
To children, sexual abuse is just another risk that parents are trying to keep them safe from.
Like getting hit by a car, which is why they have to hold your hand as they cross the road and not run ahead (just in case a car doesn’t see them).
Or getting sunburned, which is why they have to wear a rashie, a hat and boardshorts at the pool and get slathered in sunscreen.
Or sexual abuse, which is why you teach them body safety and have rules about not looking at or touching other people’s private body parts.
So yes, sexual abuse is a scary topic for you. But it isn’t for your child!
What to tell your child about sexual abuse
Open, honest and straightforward is what you want to be. Use direct language that is specific and less likely to be misinterpreted by your child.
Don’t talk when your emotions are running hot
It is really difficult to talk about sexual abuse when you are reeling in shock or still trying to process what’s happened yourself. So hold off talking to your child until your emotions feel less volatile. Or you will run the risk of either saying too much or even scaring your child.
Provide your child with facts
What do you want your child to know about sexual abuse?
If they know what sex is, then you can explain it as when adults have sex with children. If you want to give them more details, then you can say they might put their penis in a child’s mouth, vagina or bottom. Or touch those parts with their mouth. They may also make the child touch their penis, vagina, bottom or mouth too.
If they don’t know what sex is, then you can explain it as when adults touch or look at a child’s private body parts or tell a child to look at or touch their private body parts. Instead of private parts, you can talk about penises, vulvas, bottoms, nipples and/or their mouth.
Who could do this
The people who do this might be someone they know or someone they have just met. It could be an adult or a child who is the same age as them, older or even younger. It could be someone of the same gender as them or a different gender.
Why do people do this
We still don’t properly understand why adults do this to children. Sometimes they might do it because someone did it to them as a child, and they then think it is okay for them to also do it to children. They might believe that it is okay to show children love this way. Some adults are sexually attracted to children (instead of adults). Or they have sex with a child when they can’t find an adult to do it with. They don’t care about the rules.
Some children don’t know the rules, which is why they may ask to look at or touch your private parts. Or ask you to look at or touch their private parts.
Have a read of this blog post to understand why some people are sexually attracted to children.
It is against the law
We have laws to protect children.
One of those laws is that children aren’t allowed to have sex. They can’t have sex with an adult or another child.
If someone breaks this law and the police find out, the adult may go to prison.
Examples of how to explain sexual abuse to children
If you are reading this blog post, then I am guessing you are here for a reason. And that you need to explain what sexual abuse is to your child.
It might be because someone you know is in prison for child sexual abuse, and you need to explain why your child can’t see them anymore.
I remember having this conversation with an eight year old nibling while driving my car (“nibling” is a gender-neutral term used to refer to a child of one’s sibling as a replacement for “niece” or “nephew”). Their parent had already warned me that they were probably going to ask me some questions, and they wanted me to be honest with what I said.
“Auntie Cathy?” I heard from the seat next to me as I navigated the traffic at peak hour. “Why is so-and-so in prison?”
“That is a great question! Why do you think they are in prison?” [This gave me time to quickly get my head around what to say, plus it also let me know what they already knew.]
“Because they did something to hurt one of your cousins. And their mother told the police, and they went to jail.”
“Yep, they sure did. Do you know what they did?” [Me again, checking to see what they remembered from previous conversations with their parent.]
“No.”
“We have laws to protect children. And one of those laws is that adults can’t have sex with children. Sex is something that only adults are allowed to do, like driving a car or drinking alcohol… Do you remember what sex is?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, they had sex with one of your cousins. I can’t say who, as I don’t have their permission to tell you. But because they were a child, so-and-so broke the law and had to go to jail.”
[A long silence]
“Is so-and-so a bad person?” [This next bit was really tricky to answer as my sibling had a close relationship with so-and-so and had probably overheard a lot of adult conversations about them over the years.]
“I don’t think they are a bad person. I think they made a bad decision, and if they had tried to get help, then maybe none of this would have happened. [Another long pause while I was thinking] So-and-so was sexually abused as a child themself, and I think they knew that it’s wrong to have sex with a child, but they chose to do it anyway. This is no excuse for what they did, but they had a pretty screwed-up childhood. And maybe, if they hadn’t been sexually abused and had a different childhood or talked to someone about what had happened to them, then maybe none of this would have happened. [Another long pause while I was thinking] I actually liked so-and-so. And I know that you probably don’t hear people say nice things about them anymore. But all the family liked them and everyone was shocked when this happened.”
“Okay.”
“Do have any other questions about so-and-so?”
“No.” [And somehow, we made it to our destination without me causing a car incident.]
Maybe you have contact with someone who has been accused or convicted of child sexual abuse at family or social events. They might be a family member or someone you know in the community, like a teacher or church leader. And attending these events means your child may have contact with them.
Situations like this can be very challenging to navigate, especially if others feel they are innocent.
I remember having this conversation with my four year old, after an adult we knew was released from prison after serving time for child sexual abuse. They moved in with their parents, which meant that whenever we visited their parent’s house, my daughter would have contact with this adult. When we visited, this adult would often head out into the backyard away from my children, but my daughter would often follow them into the backyard.
It was a challenging time with lots of family dynamics at play, and we eventually chose to avoid all contact with them.
My observant daughter noticed this and asked why. I decided to be honest as there was still occasional contact with this adult that I could not control.
I felt that the easiest way to get started was with a book, as I was still feeling emotional and uncertain of what to say. My sister came to the rescue and recommended a book that had helped her with talking to her kids, Some Secrets Should Never be Kept by Jayneen Sanders.
After reading the book to my daughter a couple of times, I decided it was time to explain why we had stopped attending these events. This is how the conversation went.
“Do you remember asking me why you can’t see so-and-so anymore? Well, the reason you can’t see them is because they’re not a safe person for you to be around.”
“Why?”
“Well, remember that book about the brave knight? And how Lord Henry tickled his private parts and did not listen when he told him to stop? Well, so-and-so is like Lord Henry. They kept touching another child’s private parts, and when that child told someone, they told the Police, and so-and-so went to prison.”
“Why did they go to prison?”
“We have laws to protect children. And one of those laws is that adults aren’t allowed to touch children’s private parts or ask children to touch their private parts.”
“But I can tell him the rules.”
“Yes, you can tell so-and-so the rules, but he is still an unsafe person for children to be with. Sometimes adults don’t listen to the rules, so the safest thing for us to do is to top seeing so-and-so.”
“Okay, can I have some strawberries?” [And the first conversation was officially over.]
Or maybe your child heard something on the radio about paedophiles, and they want to know what the word means.
I still remember the time my twelve year old asked me what a paedophile was as we listened to the news whilst driving home after a soccer game. Some conversations you never forget!
“Mum, what’s a paedophile?”
“Huh? Why are you asking that?”
“They are talking about it on the radio.”
“Oh, okay. A paedophile? Hmmm, let me think for a moment. [A pause whilst I pulled my thoughts together] They’re an adult who likes to have sex with children. It’s illegal, so if they get caught, they go to jail.”
“Do we know any paedophiles?”
[I snorted] “Yep, we sure do, mate. So-and-so and so-and-so both went to prison for having sex with children. And there’s possibly a few others that we don’t know about.”
“Do all families have paedophiles?”
“Every family has them, mate. We are just lucky enough to know who they are in our family, which means they were stopped. Which is why you never see them anymore. Sexual abuse is something people don’t like to talk about, and when it happens, they like to keep it a secret. That’s why we used to read those books all the time about not keeping secrets, listening to your inner warning signals and things like that.”
“Okay. Are we nearly home? I’m hungry.”
How to use a book to explain sexual abuse
One of the easiest ways to explain sexual abuse to a child is with a children’s book. Luckily for you, there are some lovely children’s books to use!
What book do I use?
The children’s book that I used when my children were younger was Some Secrets Should Never be Kept by Jayneen Sanders. It was one of the earliest books that was written to help parents with this conversation. And to teach children what to do if they are ever touched inappropriately, i.e. to tell a trusted adult and to keep on telling until they are believed.
A popular book amongst parents is Only For Me by Michelle Derrig. It explains sexual abuse but also teaches body safety. Other books you could use are A Secret Safe to Tell by Naomi Hunter, or I have a little Secret by Kimberley McEwan.
If you need to explain child-to-child sexual abuse, then I can suggest two books. Gary just didnât know the Rules by Holly-ann Martin or I Said No! A Kid-To-Kid Guide to Keeping Your Private Parts Private by Kimberly King.
Why use a book?
There are some good reasons as to why you may want to use a book to talk about sexual abuse. Books take the pressure off from you having to remember what exactly you need to say and how to say it!
They are also a fantastic resource for when you want to talk to kids about difficult topics. They provide you with the content, plus they say it in age-appropriate language that children will easily understand.
Plus, they give you a discrete way to slip in some education, without your kids even noticing, in an everyday way.
Tips for reading books about sexual abuse
Make sure you have a look at the book first (before you read it to your child)! That way, you will know what to expect.  You can find some tips on how to read âsex edâ books here.
Look for discussion questions or a conversation guide. It is usually at the back of the book, but sometimes you will find it at the front. They will help you understand what else to talk about and how to manage conversations.
Please remember that your child is okay with knowing this information. To them, it is just information about something that adults do (that they shouldn’t do). The reason you may find it difficult is that you are telling your child about something that we condemn as a society (i.e. paedophilia). And it might be something that has affected you personally.
Sometimes sexual abuse can be an easier conversation if you have already talked about sexual intercourse. If you haven’t already talked about it, then I have a blog post on where babies come from. As well as another blog post on how babies are made.
An easy way to remember what questions to ask your child (as you read the book) is to just write the question on a post-it note and place it on the relevant page. That way, you will remember what you want to say when you arrive at that page.
You can learn more about how to read tricky books to children in this blog post that shares the secret of reading sex education books to kids.
Sexual abuse resources
My list of childrenâs books about sexual abuse. These books are gentle and will help you to explain what sexual abuse is to your child.
If your child is displaying problematic behaviours, then please read this blog post – Understanding and Addressing Problematic Sexual Behaviours in Children. This is where I also share information about how to find professional support for your child if they are the victim of sexual abuse.
My list of childrenâs books about protective behaviours that are helpful for starting conversations that will help to prevent child sexual abuse.
My list of childrenâs books about body safety. These are the books that will teach your child that they are the boss of their body, as well as some of the other important body safety messages.