Is your child ready for the birds and bees?

Have you ever wondered if your child is the right age to talk about the birds and bees?

You’re not alone if you have!

I know that I have wondered! And I’m supposed to be the expert!

This is a question that many parents have asked me,  whether their child is the right age to talk about the birds and bees.

So keep on reading to find out whether your child is old enough for sex education (or not).

You’ll also find more information about sex education in my Sex Education 101 page.

I’ll let you get started!

Common fears & doubts (parents have)

All parents fear whether their child is ready to hear about the birds and bees.

Are they old enough? Will they understand what you say? What if you give them too much information?

These are doubts we all think. Myself included.

Truth be known, I have had some significant doubts myself regarding talking to my (then) 10 year old son about pornography. He was one of these super-inquisitive kids who often turned to Google to find the answers to his questions. So I had some fears about whether the chats we were having about porn would initiate curiosity to go and look at it. Luckily I caught myself doing this, and a quick bit of research alleviated any doubts or fears I had.

So here are some common fears that you might have about whether your child is old enough (or not).

I also have a short Sex Education Quiz that will help you work out whether your child is ready to hear about sex (or not).

My child isn’t old enough for sex education.

Yes and no.

There is a lot more to sex education than just sex.

 We also talk about many other things, like bodies, relationships, feelings, diversity, consent, attitudes & values, keeping safe and looking after yourself.

So even if your child is too young to hear about sex, they aren’t too young for you to start talking about other things, like their body or feelings.

You can read more in this article about how to start explaining sex education to kids.

You can read this article for an easy overview of healthy childhood sexual development.

My child won’t understand what I say.

They might understand, and then again, they may not.

If they don’t understand, they’ll just forget what you’ve said, as it won’t make sense.  Or they might ask for more information.

Try giving your child a complicated answer to one of their many questions (an answer that you know they won’t understand). Instead of saying how milk comes from cows, explain the many steps taken to get the milk to the table.

For example, the cow eats some grass, it makes milk inside its udders, the farmer milks the cow, the milk goes into a giant vat,  a truck arrives, and it collects the milk, the milk is then delivered to the bottling place, they homogenize and pasteurize the milk… are you yawning yet, in boredom?

There is a perfect chance that with a long-winded answer like that (especially if you throw in a few technical terms), your child will eventually get bored and stop listening.

Check in with them to see what they recall the next day. I can guarantee that they won’t remember much (if anything) at all. 

It will be too much information.

Possibly, but remember, kids usually forget things they don’t understand.

And research tells us that talking to kids about sex does NOT make them go out and do it.

You can read more in this article about the advantages of sex education, and how it helps our kids to make smart sexual decisions. 

I should wait until they’re older.

You could, but you might find that you never find the right age to talk about birds and bees.

 And remember, sex education isn’t just about sex. It is about talking with your child about all the things that will help them to make smart decisions about love, sex and relationships. 

It isn’t safe to talk to my child about sex.

There is no hard and fast rule about when it is safe to start talking about sex with kids.

It depends on a wide range of factors: whether your kids mix with older kids, whether they go to school, whether they listen to music on the radio or watch TV, and the neighbourhood that you live in….

I live in the inner city, and we have quite a few ‘sex shops’, brothels and sex workers on the street. My kids have known about prostitution and sex toys well before they would normally become interested in this sort of thing. But because they see it, they ask questions about it. The challenge, for me as a parent, is to provide them with age-appropriate information about a topic that is not age-appropriate.

Handling tricky questions.

If you are lucky, you will have a kid who will start to ask questions. When kids become curious about things, like where babies come from, they usually ask questions.

If they are asking a question about something, it means that it is something that they want to know more about. It is a clear sign that it is time to start talking to kids about sex. It may be something that they are naturally curious about, like where babies come from. Or it may be something that they aren’t naturally curious about but have heard something that they don’t understand, like oral sex or pornography.

Research and anecdotal evidence tell us about healthy child sexual development. As children develop sexually, they start to display certain sexual behaviours and to be curious about certain topics, e.g. a 4-year-old is usually very interested in where babies come from.

So, why are you lucky to have a kid who asks questions?? You can just answer their questions and talk about their interests. You don’t need to remember to talk about where babies come from because your child has started the conversation for you!

Plus, you can control the information they are receiving and ensure it is age-appropriate! And they see you as a reliable source of information! It’s pretty important if you want to control the information that they receive.

It also means that your child knows that you are open to talking about stuff – if they can talk to you about sex, most kids know that they can then talk to you about anything!

My child doesn’t ask questions.

Some children don’t ask a lot of questions about sex and relationships, but this doesn’t mean that they aren’t interested.

They may have picked up the message that this isn’t an okay subject to ask about.

When this happens, you must take the initiative and raise the subject yourself.  By doing this, you are giving your child the clear message that this is a subject that you are happy and willing to discuss.

The topic isn’t age-appropriate.

In this sexualised world that we live in, kids are hearing about sex-related stuff much earlier than they probably should be hearing about it.

Once they start mixing with other children, going to school, accessing the internet, listening to mainstream music and watching TV/movies/cartoons, your child will be exposed to messages about sex.

This means they may be coming to you with their questions about what they hear. Now, kids are naturally curious about sexuality at different ages and stages. They start off wanting to know about where babies come from, and as they understand, they then progress onto how babies are made, eventually progressing to sexual intercourse.

The problem, though, is that they may have heard about stuff (e.g. oral sex) before they are interested in the different ways that we can express sexual attraction. Kids hear about sex stuff that they are not ready for every day! And it is natural for them to be curious about things they don’t understand.

Your job as a parent is to provide your child with an age-appropriate answer based on a topic that is not age-appropriate.

It is important that you give them an answer, as your child needs to know that you are a reliable source of information.

 And if they come to you with their questions, you can give them age-appropriate information that will help them process the sexualised messages that they are hearing every day!

A story about why we shouldn’t worry (too much)

My 9then) 8 year old son and I found a condom just outside our back shed. We live in the inner city, with a sex shop near the corner and a brothel a few streets away. So, it isn’t uncommon for prostitution to happen in the back laneway that our shed opens onto.  So because it was sitting right there in front of the garage door, my son spotted it.

‘What’s that, mom?’ he asks. Thankfully he didn’t pick it up, as it was used and tied off with a knot.

I stooped down and had a look at it. ‘It’s a condom, mate. Let’s find a dog poo bag and pick it up and throw it away.’

‘What’s a condom?’ he asks.

‘A condom? It’s like a special balloon that men put on the end of their penis to cover it up’, I said.

He, of course, giggles loudly.

‘Pretty weird, huh? The things that grown-ups can do!’ I replied. And he nodded in agreement.

‘Why do they put it on their penis?’ he then asks.

‘They put it on their penis when they’re having sex.’ I replied

‘Why?’ he asks.

‘To stop their penis from catching germs that might make them sick. Or if they had sex with a female, then to make sure that they didn’t make a baby.’ I replied.

‘Why? he asks (again).

‘Because sometimes you can catch germs that can make you sick when you have sex. And people don’t always have sex just to make babies. They have sex for fun too.’ I explained.

‘Can we get something from the bakery?’ he asks.

Anyway, we were driving home from swimming lessons a few weeks later. We had stopped at the traffic lights, and my son, who liked to spell out new words from the signs that he saw, spelled out a word to me.

‘C…O…N…D…O…M. What word is that mum?’ he asks.

I turn around to look at him and see the sex toy shop just outside his car window.  ‘What do you think it spells, mate?’ I replied.

‘Condom? What’s a condom?’ he asks.

I turn around again and look at him in surprise. ‘A condom? Don’t you remember that weird balloon thing we found outside the shed door a few weeks ago? We chatted about it then.’

He looks at me blankly and says ‘No’.

Summary

At the end of the day, you can’t stop your child from hearing about sex-related stuff that they are just not ready for. But you can help your child to process sexualised messages by answering their questions about what they hear.

And you can answer their questions when they ask them – whether they are age-appropriate (or not). Have a look at this article to learn more about what topics you can talk about with your child. 

Happy talking!
❤️ Cath

More sex education resources