How to start talking to your son about puberty
Talking to boys (or children with testicles) about puberty can be challenging for a lot of parents, especially for mums (who don’t have the personal experience of going through male puberty themselves).
At what age do you start talking to them about puberty? What are you supposed to be talking about? Do you tell them about the changes that females go through? And who should be doing the talking? Mom or Dad? And what if there is no father around to do the talking?
You’ll find more information about puberty for children with testicles on my Male Puberty page, and everything else about puberty on my Puberty 101 page.
Let’s get started!
A NOTE ABOUT SEX AND GENDER. Sex and gender exist on spectrums. This page will use the term ‘male’ to refer to sex assigned at birth. It will use the term ‘boy’ to refer to children who are cisgender i.e. a child who was born with testicles and identifies as a boy. The information will also be relevant for nonbinary children born with testicles. The information will not be relevant for transgender boys as gonads drive puberty, and their gonads differ. Click here to learn more about sex and gender.
When should you start talking to your son about puberty
When should you start talking to boys about puberty? The sooner you start talking, the better!
In an ideal world, you should start talking before they begin to notice any changes to their body. By changes, I mean things like the start of pubic hair, a bigger penis and testicles, their body growing taller and wider, body odour and sweating, sexy feelings, mood changes, and more. And these changes can start happening anywhere from the age of 9.
Spotting these changes can be tricky, as they are usually hidden under their clothing. You can learn more in this blog post about the signs of puberty in boys, and what to look out for (and when).
So basically, anytime from the age of 9 is a good time to start talking to your male child about puberty in a way that prepares them for the forthcoming changes.
Can I start earlier than that?
You can start talking to kids about puberty from a young age. By talking when they are younger, you are gently introducing the concept to them that one day their body will start to change from being a child’s body to an adult body. Kids as young as three or four will have no trouble understanding this concept. They won’t really understand why (or even want to know why), but they will accept it as just another thing that will one day happen to them. They will start to see puberty as being a normal thing that happens to everyone, which is a good thing!
Why you should be talking to your child about puberty
Sometimes it can feel as if there are more reasons not to talk about puberty than there are to talk.
What if you say too much and overwhelm them? What if you say too little and misinform them? Do males need to understand puberty differently than females? How do you talk without embarrassing them or yourself? What if they’re uninterested or walk away while you are talking?
You’re not alone, as most parents have the same doubts. They wonder whether talking to their child is the right thing to do.
Well, I’m telling you that it is the right thing to do. By talking to your child about puberty, they’ll be better equipped to deal with the changes happening to them. This means they are more likely to find puberty as a breeze instead of a hurricane!
Plus, by talking to your child about puberty, you’re also letting them know they can turn to you for support, guidance and information that they will need during this important stage of their life.
Find practical tools to educate kids about puberty in the Sex Ed Shop
What your child needs to know about puberty
Your child needs to know about the physical, emotional, and social changes that will happen to them.
So they need to know about the physical changes, like pubic hair, larger genitals, and a deeper voice. They’ll have a lot more erections, sometimes when it is least expected or wanted. They’ll also begin to ejaculate (have semen come out of their penis) and may also have wet dreams. They need to know that once they start to ejaculate, they are now fertile. This means they could become a parent if they have unprotected sexual intercourse with a female (or a person with ovaries).
They also need to know that they might start to have sexy thoughts or feelings and that they may start to think about their friends more romantically. They may begin to masturbate more often or for the first time. Puberty is the time when kids begin to see sex as something that they will someday want to do.
So don’t forget to tell them that having sex with someone is a big responsibility and that they don’t need to express their sexual feelings in this way (just yet). This is also a great time to start talking about what sexual behaviours and attitudes are okay (and not okay) in your family. You can learn more in this blog post about sharing sexual values.
Don’t forget to let them know that they are normal and that their friends are going through puberty as well. During puberty, there are a lot of changes happening to their body, brain and emotions that can make them feel different. So make sure they know that they can always come and talk to you about anything. No matter how embarrassing it might be!
How to start talking to your child about puberty
Today, we talk about puberty differently from how our parents spoke to us about it. We now know that having one big talk doesn’t work. Kids learn best by having lots of small, frequent conversations that you keep repeating. You start with the basics and slowly add more details as your child gets older and more interested in the topic. Try to talk about the changes that are happening now as well as the ones to come.
Kids are usually only interested in learning about relevant stuff. So you can tell them about sexually transmitted infections when they are 10 or 11, but they won’t be interested in the details until it is relevant, i.e. when they are ready to start thinking about having sex themselves.
It is the same for us parents! You probably had no interest in schooling until your child was finally old enough to attend school! And then, all of a sudden, it became a topic that you needed to learn about. Our kids are the same.
So as well as talking to your child in an everyday way about puberty, you can also look at buying some books for them to read. There are some fantastic puberty books for boys in this reviewed book list.
Do they need to know about the changes different bodies go through?
Yes, they need to know that females (or people with ovaries) also go through puberty and what some of their changes will be. Most of the changes for bodies with ovaries are the same but some, like periods and breasts, are different.
Which parent should be talking?
When you take an everyday approach where your child will see puberty as a normal part of growing up, it is helpful if both parents can talk to them about it. This way they’ll know that they can come to either of you with any questions or concerns they may have about their changing body.
Some kids are comfortable talking about their changing bodies with their mothers, but some aren’t. Let your child guide you as to what they are uncomfortable with. If you get the sense that they aren’t comfortable, try to involve a same-gender adult they trust, such as an uncle, an older cousin, or a family friend, in the conversation.
More puberty resources
Don’t forget that you can find more puberty resources in the Sex Ed Shop.
Like The Parents’ Guide to Puberty, which will help you to wrap your head around puberty and how to help your child as their body changes.
Looking for more puberty resources? Then visit my Puberty 101 page!
I hope that helps you to start talking to your son (or child with testicles) about puberty.
Happy talking!
❤️ Cath
References
- Adolescence and Puberty. Edited by John Bancroft and June Machover Reinisch. 1990. Oxford University Press. New York.
- Gender Differences at Puberty. Edited by Chris Haywood. 2003. Cambridge University Press. Cambridge.
- Handbook of Child and Adolescent Sexuality: Developmental and Forensic Psychology. Edited by Daniel S. Bromberg and William T. O’Donohue. 2013. Elsevier. Academic Press. Oxford.
- Puberty: Physiology and Abnormalities by Philip Kumanov and Ashok Agarwal. 2016. Springer International Publishing. Switzerland.