Let’s talk about nudity in families, as we get a lot of questions about it in my free Facebook sex education group for parents, that parent group. It’s also a sensitive topic, as everyone seems to have their own opinion on nudity in the family home.
But here’s the thing…
There are no hard and fast rules regarding how much nudity is acceptable. It really depends on what feels comfortable for each individual family.
Some families are totally fine with family members wandering around naked, and they’ve always been that way. Others may prefer to keep their privacy intact, locking doors while showering and never being seen in anything less than their underwear, let alone naked. And you know what? Both approaches are perfectly okay.
Every family has their own approach to nudity, and it’s a personal decision that is influenced by your own values, as well as being cultural. For example, nudity in public changerooms is common in Europe, but it might be frowned upon in the USA and even Australia.
Ultimately, it’s all about finding what works best for your family and respecting each other’s boundaries.
Let’s get started!
Will parental nudity harm my children?
A lot of parents worry about psychologically scarring their children and that seeing their naked parents will cause trauma their child will carry through to adulthood.
Well, you can relax, as it doesn’t. Academic research has found that “childhood experiences with exposure to nudity … are not adversely related to adult sexual functioning and adjustment” but rather is related positively to sexual adjustment, body confidence and self-esteem.
Oh, and I want to clarify what I mean by nudity or nakedness, as this isn’t a blog post about naturists or nudists. I am talking about things like having a shower and then walking to your bedroom naked (or a kid interrupting you as they can’t possibly give you five minutes alone). Getting dressed or undressed in front of your children (regardless of whether it’s a wanted or unwanted audience). Sleeping naked and crawling out of bed half asleep, whilst an alert child (who has unknowingly crept into the other side of the bed overnight) casually says, ‘That’s a big one, dad’ as they look at an early morning erection. (That last example is a personal story that happened when my son was four; ten years later, he has no recall of it happening, but I do! 🤦 )
So…
If nudity happens in an appropriate environment (like your family home or the change room as your public swimming pool), everyone is comfortable with it (both parent and child), and it’s non-sexualised, then it isn’t harmful. And if anyone starts to feel uncomfortable about nudity, either the parents and/or the child, regardless of whether it’s their own nudity or someone else’s, then it’s time to start covering bodies up.
Let’s get started!
Why would I want my child to see me naked?
Seeing their parents naked can actually be beneficial for children! And yes, you may get awkward questions, comments and stares, but it is just natural curiosity. So turn moments of nudity into a teachable moment, answer their questions straightforwardly and matter-of-factly, and they’ll quickly move on to something else.
So, children seeing their parents naked can be beneficial for a number of different reasons.
First of all, it lets them know that bodies aren’t shameful! Letting them see your naked body sends the unspoken message that you aren’t ashamed to let others see your body. Which then helps them feel more accepting of their own body.
Your nude body teaches your child that bodies come in all shapes, sizes and colours. Our bodies are diverse and unique!
It provides you with opportunities to teach your child about boundaries, bodies and safety.
It can be a teachable moment for teaching your child about puberty, explaining periods, teaching your child about the correct names of their private parts, body safety and more.
But what if I’m not comfortable being naked?
Please don’t feel that your child is missing out by not seeing your naked body. Sure, they learn a lot of lessons from it, but these are lessons you can teach in other ways. There are many children’s books about private body parts, body diversity and even body image that can help you share these messages.
And if you are uncomfortable with your child seeing your naked body, then an alternative is to allow your children to see you in your underwear. This still allows you to embrace body positivity and diversity.
What about fathers and daughters? Or mothers and sons?
This is a common concern. And ultimately, it’s a personal decision you must make for your family.
Some families are okay with daughters seeing dads naked or sons seeing mothers naked, whereas others aren’t. So do what works for your family. And if anyone feels uncomfortable about it, then it should stop.
Most kids will let you know when they no longer want to see your naked body and/or become more guarded about their own bodies. So respect their boundaries and remind them they need to respect your boundaries.
If you are worried about sexual abuse or inappropriate touch, then start teaching your child body safety. And create some family rules around private body parts and nudity. Even if you aren’t worried about this, you should still teach your child about body safety.
When should nudity stop?
There is no set age for this, but something I have noticed with families is that bodies tend to become more private as puberty begins. This can be a typical behaviour and a part of healthy sexual development, where children naturally become more private about their bodies.
Sometimes, children will request privacy, so they may ask you to knock before coming into their bedroom or ask you to put clothes on if they see you naked. Or they will look away when they see your naked body or quickly leave the room. When this happens, it’s important to respect their body boundaries. Knock before entering the bathroom or their bedroom, and remind them that they also need to respect your boundaries.
Other reasons for stopping nudity could be if you notice your child looking closely at your private parts, wanting to touch them or if they start asking lots of questions about your genitals when you’re naked. A common reason I hear from mothers is that they start to feel uncomfortable as their son approaches puberty and that they feel as if their child is beginning to ‘check them out’. Sometimes, kids can also be disrespectful by laughing at or insulting your naked body. If that happens, try to be curious and determine what has triggered these remarks, and have a look at their internet history, just in case it’s stemmed from social media or online porn.
But ultimately, if anyone is uncomfortable with naked bodies, then it’s time for public nudity (in the home) to stop.
When isn’t nudity okay?
There are times when nudity shouldn’t be allowed.
If your child has a friend over, clothes should stay on. Your child (and their friend) should keep their clothes on and adults should also remain clothed.
Nudity should only ever happen at your home, not in other people’s houses, like family or friends.
If there are other adults in your family home, like a tradesman, a visitor or a relative. For example, it might be okay for them to be naked around the house, but not when Grandma & Grandpa are visiting.
Tell them where and when they can’t be naked. For example, the front yard is never okay as it isn’t private. The backyard is okay but only if there are no visitors.
How do I tell my child I want privacy?
So, how can you go about letting your child know that you want privacy around your naked body?
You can let your child know that you’re having a shower and you would like some privacy, i.e. keep out, and if it’s a life and death situation, they can knock on the door. You can even put a temporary sign on the door to remove them!
After showering, you can wear a bathrobe or wrap your body in a towel when walking from the bathroom to the bedroom. Or get dressed in the bathroom before coming out.
If your child intrudes (which will happen until they remember), you can gently remind them by saying something like, “I prefer to be alone (or private) when getting dressed” or “How about we talk about this when I’m dressed”. Or remind them of your rules by saying something like, “What are our family rules? Knock before you come into my bedroom, just like I do before entering your bedroom”.
Gentle reminders like this will help them understand what’s expected of them without creating shame about bodies.
How do I tell my child to cover their body?
There are some different ways to request your child to start covering their body.
You could talk about them being a big kid. You could try explaining that they are no longer a little kid and are a little bit too old to be running around the house naked. Or, now that they’re a big kid, it means they are old enough (or smart enough) to understand that nudity is something that little kids do (not big kids).
You could talk about puberty. If you are noticing physical changes in their body from puberty, you could explain that they have now reached an age where it isn’t okay for them to be walking around the house naked. This is an age where most people start to become more private about their bodies and when adults start to feel uncomfortable about their nudity.
You could talk about consent. That some people may feel uncomfortable with seeing naked bodies, and this includes children’s bodies. Therefore, we need to be respectful of their discomfort and cover our bodies when we are in public areas of the family home.
You could talk about body safety. You could explain that your job as a parent is to keep them safe. And one of the ways to do this is to have rules about bodies. So being naked is okay, but it should only happen in safe places, like the bathroom or their bedroom.
You could change things slowly. In regards to my own family, we created a family rule about no bare bottoms in the loungeroom after I collapsed on the sofa with a migraine and realised it stank (skidmarks and all). I explained why we had a new family rule, pointed out the poo stains and gently reminded them to put on knickers whenever I saw a bare bum.
You could explain that you feel uncomfortable about their nudity (or that other family members are feeling uncomfortable), and that you would prefer it if they didn’t walk around the house naked. You can also tell them where or when they can be naked, for example, in their bedroom when they are alone. There are some children’s books about nudity but I haven’t sorted them into their own book list. They will be on these lists: babies and toddlers, body safety, consent or private parts.
Conversations to have when nudity is allowed
You will need to create some family rules or boundaries around nudity i.e. where and when it can happen.
Ensure your child clearly understands your boundaries around when and where nudity is acceptable.
Tell your child where it is okay for them to be naked in your home. For example, it is okay to be naked in the loungeroom but we need to have the curtains drawn as people from the street can see you. Or running from the bathroom to your bedroom naked is okay, but you need to wear clothes at the dinner table.
Tell your child when they can’t be naked. For example, clothes must stay on when there are visitors to your family home. This might be a stranger, an acquaintance and/or a relative.
Tell your child if nudity is allowed in other homes. You need to be careful with this one as it can be complicated. For example, it is okay for them to be naked at Aunt Sally’s house but only if Uncle Mick isn’t home. Oh, and clothes need to stay on if there are other adults and kids there. This is a lot for a little kid to remember, and it is much simpler to only allow nudity at home.
Explain that other families may have different rules about nudity and that they need to be respectful of the differences. There are some great children’s books about families to help with talking about differences.
Teach your child the anatomical names for their private parts (or genitals).
Teach your child about the private parts of the body, as this is an important lesson in body safety.
Explain that it isn’t okay to look at or touch other people’s private parts. Or for others to look at or touch their private parts. I talk more about this in my blog post about when children are playing doctor.
It is important to be consistent with your boundaries. Your child will need gentle reminders until they remember.
When should I start teaching privacy to kids?
Privacy is an important lesson for children to learn. It’s also one of the first lessons about body safety, and will help to protect children from sexual abuse. It teaches them respect for bodies as well as respect for individuals.
Teaching privacy to children requires many small conversations that you will need to keep on repeating. It’s a concept that may take months (if not years) for them to understand fully.
Teach your child to knock if the door is closed. You can make this all doors or just doors to private areas like bedrooms and bathrooms. You can also teach them to wait for permission before opening the door. An easy way to do this is to model the behaviour by knocking on their bedroom door and waiting for permission before entering.
Children can be very good at demanding you respect their need for privacy but not respect yours. So if your child doesn’t respect your need for privacy, keep reminding them, and eventually, the message will sink in. You may need to remind them that you respect their need for privacy. Therefore, they need to respect your needs, too. This is an important lesson for children to learn, as they need to understand that other people need privacy as well, like their friends or other adults.
Use “Privacy, please” as a cue phrase when talking to your child. If a door is closed and they knock (or they barge in without knocking) you can say, “Privacy, please.” This is a great phrase to remind your child that you want privacy.
Create visual reminders for your child. Place a sign on your bathroom or bedroom reminding children to knock first.