How to answer tough parenting questions (about sex)

Answering your child’s tough parenting questions is a great way to teach sex education.

It’s pretty simple. Your child asks you a sex-ed question, and you provide them with an answer that teaches them a fact. You may even decide to share your sexual values, too, if it’s relevant!

And with some kids asking up to 73 questions a day (if not more), there’s a very good chance that some of those questions might be about sex! 

In this blog post, we are going to look at how to turn your child’s sex-ed questions into a strategy (or way) to teach sex education!

You’ll find more information about sex education in my Sex Education 101 page. And you can find more strategies for starting sex education conversations (like this) in my list of ideas on how to teach sex education in the family home.

Let’s get started!

Why kids ask questions about sex

So why do kids ask so many questions?

Simply, it is how they learn about the world around them. 

They’ll ask for an explanation if they see something they don’t know (or understand). The world is big, and your child sees it for the first time.

And your answers help them to get to the bottom of things!

So kids usually ask questions for a reason:

• They might need help processing something that upset them (e.g. something they saw in a video or a friend told them).
• They learn by asking questions. 
• They might be naturally curious about something (developmental stage). 
• They may have heard or seen something they don’t understand. 
• They might be checking a fact. 

As your child develops, you can expect them to be curious about things like:

• Body parts that are different, like penises and vulvas 
• How they came to exist (or how babies were made) 
• How babies are made 
• Relationships and their different types
• Gender and what it means to be a boy, girl or gender diverse 
• Why their body is changing as they go through puberty

Why you need to answer their questions

We don’t just answer questions to satisfy our child’s curiosity.

We also answer them so that our child sees us as their primary source of information about sex.

In today’s world, kids are bombarded with mixed messages about sex daily—billboards, radio talk shows, songs, movies, TV shows, the internet and their friends.

Kids are hearing about sex at a much younger age than we were. And they are hearing things that they don’t understand.

So, we want kids to come to us with their questions so that we can help them to process what they have heard. We don’t want them worrying about what they heard and coming to their own conclusions. Or even worse, turning to Google for their answers, where there’s a very good chance that they will stumble upon pornography. 

So, we answer our kids’ questions because we want to set ourselves up as being their main source of information.

We want to become an askable parent. 

And if your child knows that you’re askable, then there’s a very good chance that they’ll come to you with their questions instead of turning to the internet (where who knows what they’ll find, probably porn) or getting unreliable information from their friends. 

Here’s some of the other reasons for answering your child’s questions:

• You’ll know they have facts instead of misinformation. 
• You’re satisfying their curiosity, which means they can then move on to the next great mystery in life.
• You’re minimising the harmful effects of negative, highly-sexualised messages. 
• You’re providing them with age-appropriate information they’ll understand. 
• You’re breaking the cycle of shame about sexuality. 
• You’re giving them permission to talk to you about anything.

How to answer questions

The best approach to answering your child’s questions about sex is openly and honestly.

If they’re old enough to ask the question, they’re usually old enough for the answer.

Now, if you’re worried that your child is too young for this much information, then I have a parent quiz that will help you work out if your child is ready to hear about sex (or not).  

Try to answer their question as if it is one of the many other questions they ask daily. This way, they won’t see the topic as shameful.

Keep your answers brief, factual and positive (irrespective of your child’s age). If they want more information, they will usually ask for it. You can even ask them if that answers their question or if they need more information.

Have a phrase for questions asked at the wrong time or place, such as: ‘That’s a good question, but let’s talk about it once we get home’. (Then make sure you do!)

Try asking your child what they think before answering. You could try saying, ‘What made you think of that?’. This will give you a little time to think of an answer and work out what your child already knows. 

If you’re unsure about the meaning of their question, check in with them. For example, ‘Do you mean how do babies grow when they are inside their mother? Or how do two people start a baby growing?’

And remember, it may feel awkward when you first start, but the more you talk, the easier it gets!

3 steps to answering tricky questions

So…

How do you answer tricky questions?

STEP 1. Take a big breath

There’s no great rush to respond. You have got enough time to take a deep breath (or two). This can also help to calm your body and mind or ground you. Plus it will help to stifle any panic.

STEP 2. Acknowledge that they asked you a question.

let them know that you’ve heard their question by acknowledging it. You could say something like, ‘What a great question!’

STEP 3. Answer the question

Answers are usually made up of 2, 3 or even 4 things. (The last two are optional)

1. Acknowledgment (of their question) 
2. Facts (what it is) 
3. Values (what you believe about it) 
4. Limits (when it’s okay to do/use/talk about it)

Each answer has four parts

Let’s look at the different things that make up an answer – Acknowledgement, Facts, Values, and Limits.

1. Acknowledgement

This is where we let them know we’ve heard their question and give positive feedback (so they know they can keep asking you). 

You might say:

• That’s a really good question. 
• Great question. 
• Is this your question? [Repeat their question back to them] 
• I am so glad you have asked me this question, as I have been wanting to talk to you about it.

2. Facts

Provide them with information that is straightforward and direct. Use words they will easily understand rather than jargon, e.g. instead of ‘porn’, talk about ‘videos of people having sex’. This decreases the risk of misunderstanding. Answers can be as simple or as detailed as you want. It depends on the situation, the type of question, where you are, how comfortable you feel, your energy levels, the amount of time, etc.

For example, your child asks, ‘Where do babies come from?’

Your simple answer could be brief and factual: ‘Babies come from inside the mother, from a special place called the uterus.’ For some kids, this is more than enough information. 

But what if that isn’t enough information, and they want to know more? 

 A more detailed answer could be: ‘Two people can make a baby by having sex. The penis is placed inside the vagina. The sperm then travel from the testicles through the penis and into the vagina. The sperm swim into the uterus and fallopian tubes, where they might meet an egg and make a baby.’

3. Values 

It’s up to you whether you share any values with your child. It might be relevant, or it might not be, depending on the topic of the conversation. 

Do you have any feelings or beliefs about the topic? What could your child do with this knowledge? 

 Let’s use contraception as an example: 

Don’t just talk about the fact that you can prevent pregnancies with contraception. Share with your child what your thoughts are about contraception and unplanned pregnancy. Explain the reasons behind your belief so that your child understands why. By sharing your values with your child, you are providing them with a moral compass to guide them as they make sense of the mixed messages they will receive from the media, their peers, and the world around them.

4. Limits

Limits are where you provide your child with limits that will keep them safe. You could also call them rules or boundaries. They are also negotiable; as your child grows up, they might be loosened. 

Here are some examples:

• Sexy is an adult word, which means I don’t want to hear you using it.
• It’s okay to be curious about sex, but I don’t want you looking at porn.
• You aren’t allowed to watch M-rated movies.

An example

Let’s look at an example: ‘What’s a blowjob?’

That’s an interesting question. (ACKNOWLEDGE)

A blowjob is when someone might put their mouth on someone’s penis or vulva. Another name for it is oral sex. (FACT)

This is something that should only happen if you want it to happen. And it should only happen in a marriage. (VALUE)

Blowjobs are something that is just for adults (not kids). (LIMITS)

Sometimes, it’s helpful to know why they’re asking that question. There might be a reason for their question (they may have heard something at school or saw something on YouTube). 

It helps you to: 

• Find out what it is that they want to know. 
• Work out what they already know. 
• Find out what misinformation needs correcting.

You could try asking:

• Why did you want to know about that? How did you hear about that?
• You could also ask them what they think the answer is?
• Hmmm, dunno. What do you think?’ ‘What do you think a blowjob is?’

What if they ask a question in the wrong place? Or at the wrong time?

What if your child asks a question in the wrong place? (Like when waiting in a long queue at the supermarket or sitting in a quiet waiting room filled with people.)

Or at the wrong time? Like when you’re navigating peak hour traffic with a blinding headache, or at the dinner table when the in-laws are over for dinner.

I’m afraid to say that there is a very good chance that this WILL happen. And you’re not alone if it does, as it happens to us all. 

And yes, it isn’t very pleasant. And you will probably question why you ever listened to me…

But you’ll get over it, and one day, you’ll even laugh about it as you share the story with a friend!

Luckily, there is a trick for turning this from a moment of shame.

The trick, is to have a phrase that you can turn to.

You might say something like:

• ‘That’s a good question, but let’s talk about it once we’re at home’. 
• ‘That’s an interesting question. Now’s not a good time to answer it, so how about I get back to you after dinner?’ 
•  ‘I don’t know but how about I get back to you with an answer?’

And remember. Make sure you DO get back to them with their answer.

What if it’s a personal question?

What do you do if your child asks you a personal question? Like, ‘How often do you have sex?’ or ‘Do you watch porn?’.

Well, it’s up to you as to whether you answer personal questions or not. Some parents do, and some parents don’t. 

But never feel as if you have to. It is your decision. And kids need to understand that some stuff is private. It helps them to understand that they are entitled to privacy themselves, and that they need to respect it in others too!

So do what works best for you.

And if they do ask you a personal question, it can help if you have a phrase prepared. 

You might say something like:

• ‘That’s an interesting question. I’m sorry but that information is private.’
• ‘I’m sorry but I don’t want to discuss my own sex life. It’s private.’
• ‘That’s kind of a private question. So I’d rather not answer it.’
• ‘I’m sorry, but that’s not the sort of information I share with anyone.’
• ‘That’s not something I want to talk about.’

You could also respond by asking them what they mean;

• ‘What do you mean?’
• ‘Why are you asking me that?’

Can I ever say… I’ll tell you when you’re older?

Can you ever say, ‘I’ll tell you when you’re older’?

Well, you are the only person who can answer that question. They’re your children, so it’s your decision. 

But… 

If you want your children to see you as a trustworthy source of information, then you need to be answering their questions. If they think you are withholding information, then they may ask someone else or google it. And eventually, they may stop asking you questions.

So keep this in mind.

What if you don’t know the answer

Sometimes, kids will ask questions that we don’t know the answer to. It happens to us all, even me!

It is impossible to know everything you need to know for sex education.

When this happens, the best approach is to be honest and to say, ‘I don’t know’.

And then let your child know you’ll find the answer for them. You can either look for the answer together or get back to them later with it.

Whatever you do, don’t forget to get back to them with an answer. They’ll be okay with you occasionally forgetting, but if you make a habit of it, they’ll start to think you don’t want to talk about that topic. Which means they’ll stop coming to you with their questions.

What if they don’t ask questions?

Some kids don’t ask a lot of questions about sex and relationships, but this doesn’t mean that they’re not interested. They may have picked up the unspoken message that this isn’t an okay subject to ask about.

When this happens, it’s up to you to change things. You need to let your child know you are willing to talk with them about love, sex and relationships.

You can be upfront and try saying to them, ‘I know that we haven’t talked much about sex before, but I’d like to change that. So if you have any questions, I’d like to answer them.’

You can also start looking for opportunities to get questions happening.

For example, the mother of your child’s friend is pregnant. You could try saying, ‘Did you notice that your teacher’s tummy is getting bigger? That’s because she’s going to have a baby, and she’s carrying it inside her. Do you know how the baby got inside her?’.

And then see where the conversation goes. 

Also, some kids don’t ask questions as they learn by observing what is going on around them and by listening. So even though they might appear uninterested, they will listen to what you say. 

So keep on talking, as they will be listening. Plus, by talking, you’re also giving them the unspoken message that they can talk to you about these things.

How to know when you’re doing a good job

If your child feels comfortable asking you questions about sex, then you know you are on the right path.

It means that they know that you’re okay with talking about sex and that they are starting to see you as their main source of information about sex! Congratulations!

Happy talking!
❤️ Cath

More sex education resources