How to talk about porn with kids & teens: A parent’s guide

Let’s talk about online pornography, as a lot of parents ask me about it.

Plus, one of the biggest challenges that parents face today is about how to explain porn to kids. And it’s easy to understand why!

Back when we were kids, pornography was hard to find and consisted of magazines that were hidden in your father’s wardrobe and contraband videos that you furtively watched when no one else was home. For kids today, it is a different story, as it is now harder to avoid porn than to find it. And parents need to learn how to protect children from internet dangers like online pornography.

Pornography has become increasingly acceptable, accessible and more freely available than ever before. Kids can view sexually explicit material with one click of the mouse, from soft-core (the type of images found in Playboy) to hard-core (material depicting graphic sex acts, live sex shows, orgies, bestiality, and violence).

So it’s pretty understandable that talking to kids about porn isn’t easy. Plus, most parents feel that they don’t know enough about the topic and are unaware of how problematic online pornography can be for children.

It is our responsibility as parents to protect our children to the best of our ability. But how do we protect children from internet dangers like pornography?

So this blog post is designed to get you started with having shame-free conversations with kids about porn.

If you’d like to learn more about porn and internet safety, you can do that on my Pornography 101 page. If it’s porn you want to talk about, then head over to my kids and porn safety page.

Let’s get started!

Are kids truly at risk from porn?

Pornography isn’t new, but the high volume and the way that we access it is! And with kids today spending more time online than ever, the risk of exposure is much greater.

The main problem with online porn is the messages it sends children about love, sex and relationships.

Porn gives kids the wrong messages about what sex is really about, with some research suggesting a relationship with harmful sexual behaviours as well as fostering negative views towards women. It can be habit-forming (the jury is still out on whether it is addictive) and has a negative impact on the emotional and mental well-being of a child.

This means that more than ever before, it is important that parents learn how to protect children from internet dangers.

But my child wouldn’t look at porn…

A lot of parents are naive about how easy it is for kids to find online pornography as well as other inappropriate material.

No child is safe from online pornography, with kids finding it either accidentally, through curiosity about sex, or being deliberately shown it. The average age of first exposure to porn is 11 years of age, with some reporting that it can be children as young as five years.

As soon as your child can use a search engine or is watching videos on YouTube, there is a good chance that they will stumble across porn. Even if you are a technology-free household, your child may still stumble across porn outside the home.

And regardless of their age, you need to be having this conversation.

How do I protect my child from porn?

You may not be able to prevent your child from stumbling across internet dangers like porn, but you can still minimise the potential harm by preparing them for it. And no, you aren’t taking away your child’s innocence by talking to them about porn. That will happen when they come across it unprepared!

Here are some suggestions on what parents can do!

Warn your child

Warn your child that they may find private pictures or movies of adults doing private things together; they may be naked, and it may look like they are hurting each other. We call it porn or pornography.

If you don’t want to call it porn, you can refer to it as ‘something that makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe’. You can also refer to it as ‘people with no clothes on’.

Books can help when trying to start a difficult conversation. My favourite book for talking to three to ten year old children about online pornography, is Someone Should Have Told Me by Holly-ann Martin.

Where images can be found

Tell your child that they may accidentally find these images or videos on the computer, their tablets, cartoons, video games, YouTube, phones and even books or magazines.

What kids should do when they find images

If they stumble across these images, they need to turn it off or turn away and talk to a parent or trusted adult immediately. Reassure them that they won’t get into trouble.

I have designed some posters to help you safely teach your child what to do when they stumble upon online porn. My See Porn, Act Fast! Poster Set for families is designed to allow you to use the language that works for your child.

Create family rules

Discuss what your family rules are about using technology. This includes computers, tablets, and other devices, as well as time limits and chatrooms. Ideally, The computer should be kept in the main living area, with the screen positioned to be easily visible. Devices should also be kept out of bedrooms.

Make the internet safe

If your children are younger, you may want to consider using software filters or child-friendly apps (like YouTube Kids) or blocking popups. Just remember, though, that your child may still stumble across images in other ways, eg through friends and unfiltered computers.

You can learn more about the different types of parental control filters in this blog post.  I have used both Bark and Qustodio, and you can read my thoughts on them in my BARK Review and Qustodio Review. 

You can still make the internet safe without paying for parental controls, and I show you how to do this in my Tech Check Workbook. It also reduces the overwhelming task of auditing the tech in your home and breaks it down into simple steps.

Repeat the conversation

Like all things when teaching kids, it takes many conversations. Have small frequent chats using simple, straightforward, and age-appropriate language your child can understand.

Two different ways to talk

When it comes to talking to our kids about tough topics like kids and porn,  there are two ways to go about it.

Answer their questions

First, we can answer the questions that our kids may fire at us. Luckily for us, kids are very curious about the world around them, and often ask about stuff they don’t understand or are curious about. And if you’re worried that you won’t be able to answer their questions, then The Sex Education Answer Book can help. It contains age-specific answers to the most common questions that kids like to ask parents about sex. 

Books as a conversation starter

Second, we have to bring up the conversation ourselves. Not all of us have kids who ask questions about sexuality, which means that it is up to us, the parents, to find a way to bring up the subject ourselves.

The challenge then is in how to bring up the subject of kids and porn so that it doesn’t feel like a lecture (I don’t know about your kids, but mine will instantly stop listening if they think that there is a lecture coming their way). Which means we need to find a way to start the conversation ourselves.

Books are one way to start a conversation naturally and casually.

So how do we go about using a book for a conversation starter about kids and porn?

Well, you can read your kids a book on a certain topic and chat about it while you read it. You can get some tips in this article on how to read books about sex to kids.

But you can also refer back to that book when you want to talk about that topic again.

For example, I might want to talk to my daughter about pornography. There are a couple of ways that you could have the conversation.

You could say something like, ‘Hey, I was having a look at this book today and saw that there was a section on pornography in it. Have you found that sort of thing yet, on the internet?’

Or something like, ‘Hey, remember how we read that book last week where it talked about how sometimes you can find things on the internet that you don’t expect to find? Well, I was wondering if that has happened to you yet?‘

You can even refer back to a book to help answer a question.

If your child asks you a question, like ‘What’s pornography?’, you could say something like ‘What’s pornography? Well, remember that book that we read, where they talked about how you can find things that you don’t expect when you go to the internet, well pornography is one of those things.’

You can then go back and reread the book together.

The joy of reading educational books for children about online porn is that the books provide you with information that is both age-appropriate and written in a way your child will understand. We can then use the words from the books in our conversations with our kids. A trick that I sometimes use with my own kids is to write a few points on a piece of paper that I can then refer to during the conversation. This means that I don’t have to worry about remembering the exact words, and I feel much less clumsy when talking.

You’ll find some fantastic age-appropriate children’s books about pornography in this list.  

How do I talk to teens? Or tweens?

Children eventually reach an age where your conversations about online porn start to include it’s problematic messaging.

Jess Roberts, one of the moderators from my now-closed Facebook group, has shared her suggestions for parents.

I’d have LOTS of honest conversations with them about the dangers and context of porn – including but not limited to:

• computer viruses
• ethical implications (trafficking, free porn etc)
• legal implications and considerations
• learning from something so fake (like learning how to drive via watching the fast and the furious)
• imprinting their mind, sometimes we get images or sounds or ideas in our heads that can be really really hard to shift, this could imprint their perception of sex and intimacy for life
• the lack of female pleasure in most porn
• the increasing extremism and violence in a lot of porn
• the lack of enthusiastic consent in a lot of porn
• the lack of condoms in a lot of porn
• the plastic surgery and body alterations in a lot of porn (everything from no pubic hair to breast implants)
• very large penises (which worries boys as their penis is so much smaller)

I’m sure there’s a lot more. But these are a good start! I’d also stock the household bookshelves with a wealth of information – art books with nudity, books on human development, books on puberty and relationships, novels with steamy sex scenes etc

(Thanks, Jess!)

Resources for talking to autistic teens

Porn is Not the Norm – An Australian site that is designed to support parents of autistic young people to understand the interactions between autism, sexuality, technology and pornography, and how they can support autistic young people to navigate respectful, consenting and safe sexuality and relationships. They have an online parent and carer presentation that is immediately available, and you will need to pay for it (sorry, but it’s not free). They also have good information sheets and tip sheets to look at!

Resources for talking to teens about porn

I’ll also share some of my favourite free resources for talking to tweens and teens about online porn. These are all sites that are based on the findings of sound research as well as expert opinion. Also, none of these resources are funded by religious organisations. You may also notice that most of these sites come from Australia and New Zealand.

Breathless is a campaign to support people to understand the dangers and impacts of sexual strangulation.

In the Know – A New Zealand site by The Light Project that answers questions or concerns about porn, nudes, rough sex, choking, ‘porn addiction’ or online sexual experiences. This site is fantastic and will also give parents ideas on what to talk about.

It’s Time we Talked – An Australian site that aims to get people talking about pornography and its impact on young people, and there is content for parents and young people (14+).

Kids Helpline – An Australian site that has some good content for teens about why people view porn, what porn can and can’t teach us, and what can happen if you watch it a lot. I really like this site as it is filled with educational information that is written for kids (5-12 years), teens (13-17 years), and young adults (18-25 years).

The Light Project – A New Zealand site that aims to get parents talking to their children and teens about porn. This would have to be my most favourite resource for parents about porn.

The Line – An Australian site that helps young people (14+) have healthy, happy and respectful relationships, and avoid behaviours that hurt, intimidate or diminish others. Their pornography section is written for parents and is fantastic!

What’s OK? – An American site that is both a website and a helpline that offers free confidential support and resources to youth and young adults (ages 14-21) with concerns about their own or a friend’s sexual thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. This site gives them answers to questions they would usually be too ashamed to ask. These are some of their most common questions, and I think all teens should know that this site exists. It answers questions like:

• Is this normal sexual behaviour? Is it safe?
• Is what I’m attracted to “normal”?
• What do I do if my sexual behaviours have harmed someone?
• What do I do if I’m worried about someone else’s sexual interests or behaviours?
• What kind of help is available if I’m struggling with safe sexual behaviours or worried about my attractions?
• Where can I find help if I’ve been sexually abused?
• How can I stay safe in online relationships?
• How do I ask for help?

Is it okay to let my child watch porn?

This question was asked a lot in my now-closed Facebook group, that parent group, i.e. whether it’s okay to let their tween or teen view online porn. And I’d often see parent comments saying that it’s okay for tweens and young teens to watch porn.

As an accredited Clinical Sexuality Educator and over 25 years of clinical experience, I disagree and believe it isn’t safe for children to be viewing porn. In most countries and or states, it is illegal to show sexually explicit material to minors. There is a growing body of evidence that links the exposure of online pornography to the increase of harmful sexual behaviours in children and youth.

But I am also a realist, and that section in my crash course, Get Started with the Porn Talk, was the most challenging part to write (because I am a realist). Regardless of what you do and say, your teen is going to make their own decisions about online porn.

So your role as a parent is to empower them with enough information to help them to make smart decisions about porn.

And rather than put all of your energy into a losing battle, I’d encourage you to spend your time instead talking about the harmful messages from online porn as that is the biggest problem with porn, not the actual sex scenes but the harmful messaging it gives about love, sex and relationships.

There is also a growing body of research that suggests that teens who have ongoing convos with parents about porn are less likely to have an unhealthy relationship with porn. So the more you talk, the less problematic porn is going to be for your teen.

What if my child is already viewing porn?

You’re not alone if you’ve just discovered your child has been viewing porn! You only have to look at how many parents buy my crash course, Help! My child has seen porn, to see that it’s a common occurrence.

First of all, don’t blame yourself. Porn is a topic that most parents struggle with talking about. It isn’t something that our parents talked with us about (as kids). Plus, there is always the fear that talking about porn might prompt your child’s curiosity about it (and go look at it). So it isn’t all that surprising that we don’t know how to talk about it with our kids.

Second, it’s important that you talk to your child about what they have been viewing. You can’t ignore it, as your child may need your support in processing the images they have seen, and to prevent harmful sexual behaviours from developing. Plus, you’ll want to also talk about some of the harmful messaging from online porn.

So if your child has already seen porn, then the best resource to get you into the right headspace (so your convos are led by common sense and not shock or shame) is my 60 minute parent masterclass, Help! My child has seen porn! 

My favourite children’s book for talking to 5 to 12 years olds after porn exposure is Hayden-Reece learns what to do if children see private pictures or movies by Holly-anne Martin from Safe4Kids.  This book is fantastic as it gives you the right words to use when talking about a topic that makes you feel uncomfortable. it’s also a useful tool for talking to your child about why they shouldn’t look at these images/movies and what to do when they see it again.

You can learn more about what to do in this blog post on what to do when kids are exposed to inappropriate content.

More porn & internet safety resources

Can I make a difference?

Yes, you can make a difference! You may not be able to prevent your child from stumbling across internet dangers like pornography, but you can delay it from happening and give your child the power of knowing what to do when it happens, plus your support when it does happen.

And remember, the first conversation is always the hardest!

Happy talking!
❤️ Cath