How to talk to kids about sex when they’re NOT interested

A common concern from parents is about how to talk to kids about sex when they just don’t want to hear what you have to say.

Like when they roll their eyes and say they already know it.

Or they stick their fingers in their ears as soon as you mention the word sex.

Or they just get up and leave the room before you’ve finished your first sentence.

Well… I’m afraid to say, but there comes a time when your kids just don’t want to talk to you about sex.

And it usually happens at about 8 or 9 or in their early teens.

They seem to either not listen or learn about it at school. Or worse yet, they think they know everything!

But… you’ll be pleased to know it isn’t all doom and gloom. And that you don’t need to give up!

You’ll find more information about sex education in my Sex Education 101 page. And you can find more strategies for starting sex education conversations (like this) in my list of ideas on how to teach sex education in the family home.

Let’s get started!

Are they listening? Or not?

Research tells us that even though teens say they aren’t interested in hearing it from us and appear not to be listening, they actually are listening. 

We also know that teens want to be able to talk to their parents about sex.

Research from Power to Decide tells us that nearly nine out of 10 teens say that it would be much easier for them to delay sex and avoid pregnancy if they could talk with their parents about it.

And more research suggests that nearly half of all teens say that their parents are the most important influence when it comes to making decisions about sex. But still, many teens wish they could discuss these issues more with their parents. Nearly two-thirds of teens say they wish they could talk to their parents more about relationships.

So, we know that teens want to talk to their parents about sex, even if they don’t always act like it.

Your child might look like they’re not listening, but they are. And more importantly, even if they don’t hear the exact words that you’re saying, they know that you’re open to talking to them.

This means that when they’re finally ready to start talking back, they’ll know that the door is still open.

Why children may not want to talk

Some of you may have a child who just doesn’t talk. So let’s look at what to do if they WON’T talk!

Now, first of all, don’t make the assumption that just because they’re not talking (or asking questions) that they’re uninterested.

There are lots of different reasons as to why your child won’t talk.

• You don’t talk to them
• It’s an age-appropriate stage (which they usually outgrow)
• You’ve stopped them from talking in the past 
• They’re not a talker 
• They’re sorting their thoughts out in their own mind first 
• They’re feeling embarrassed
• They’re uncomfortable talking to you about certain topics

Tips and tricks

There are several different ways to talk to kids about sex.

Find teachable moments

Teachable moments are where you find everyday situations and turn them into an opportunity to teach something, like something you are watching on tv, a song on the radio, or even clothes shopping.

Once you start looking for them, you will find opportunities to talk everywhere.

Talk whilst doing something else

Another opportunity for sex education for tweens and teens is to strike up a conversation whilst you are doing something together, like – driving in the car, kicking a ball, sweeping up the leaves in the yard, cycling together.

Many parents tell me that the car is one of their favourite places for talking (and not because their child can’t escape).

Talking while one or both of you have busy hands just makes talking easier.

You have to find your golden opportunity and grab it!

Share your own stories

This is your opportunity to talk about your experiences of growing up – that first kiss, being the geek, having strict parents, your first love and maybe even your first sexual experiences!

Trust me, your child will listen and hopefully realise that you understand. And you never know. It may strike up a conversation!

Read this blog post to learn more about how to use story telling to teach sex ed.

Share family meals

Eating together is an opportunity for your family members to come together, strengthen ties and build better relationships. They provide the perfect opportunity for conversations to happen, where you can exchange ideas, encourage your child to be a critical thinker, and clarify family values and beliefs.

Answer their questions

If your child asks you a question, try your hardest to answer it then and there.

If you don’t, then you take the risk that they won’t ask you again. Or they’ll think it’s a topic you aren’t comfortable with or not important enough to talk about.

If it is the wrong time or place, let them know this and promise them that you’ll get back to them, letting them know when e.g. that night or as soon as you get home.

If you don’t know the answer, that’s fine. Let them know this and suggest that you find the answer together or that you’ll find an answer and get back to them. Again, make sure you follow up, or they will see you as an unreliable source of information.

Read this blog post to learn more about answering your child’s sex-ed questions.

Be a good role model

Kids often learn more from what we do than from what we say. So, show your child what healthy relationships and smart decisions look like by living them yourself.

For example, don’t talk about people behind their backs and then lecture your child about being a good friend. Your child is learning more by watching how you manage your friendships than by your words.

Leave some books around the house

Books are a fantastic (and usually reliable) source of information. You can read them together with your child or have them on your bookshelves (or in your child’s room) for easy reference. This also means they can read them alone if they want to.

Read this blog post to learn more about how to use books to teach sex education.

Suggest somewhere or someone to whom they can turn to

It is important that your child have some trusted adults to turn to talk to. Sometimes, they may not feel comfortable talking to you about something, especially as they get older. This person might be a family friend, a relative, a teacher, a neighbour, team mates. It may even be an ‘online friend’.

Watch short videos with your child

Videos are another reliable source of information and you can find them on social media and YouTube. You can watch them with your child and talk about what you agree (or disagree) with. But a warning! Make sure you watch the video first (before watching it with your child), just in case it has content you don’t want your child to see.

You may enjoy my lists of sex education videos, puberty videos, and porn & internet safety videos for both parents and children of all ages.

Pre-warn them that you want to talk

This can be something as simple as ‘Hey, I want to talk to you tonight about a sex thing’ (and do make sure that you follow up). It pre-warns them and can sometimes make them more receptive to talking.

Text them/write a letter

Send them a casual message or write a note about something, like

• left condoms in the top bathroom of the drawer
• ring me if you need a lift home from the party tonight
• don’t forget our code if you need an excuse to come home early tonight

Provide them with reliable websites

The internet isn’t the most reliable source for information, so you will need to teach your child how to tell if a website is reliable or not, and help them to find the best websites to turn to.

They need to know that not everything you read, hear or view is accurate. 

Encourage your child to NOT turn to google with their questions about sex and bodies (and to ask you instead), as they will find porn with those questions. You may also want to consider installing Parental Control Software.

Avoid putting your child on the spot

Ask your questions in a more general way (rather than specific) eg. ‘What do you and your friends think of…’ instead of ‘ What do you think of…’

Increase your own knowledge

Don’t forget about your learning. It is pretty easy to forget much information from your schooling or your single days.

If you no longer have to worry about contraception in your relationship, then it’s likely that you’re not up-to-date on the best forms of contraception. Or you may not be aware that pornography is very different from the Playboy magazines that you used to find hidden in the back shed.

So read the books you buy for your kids, and be open to learning from your child.

And don’t feel that you need to know everything there is to know about sex. I’ve worked in this field for over 25 years, and I still don’t know everything!

Shared journal

A popular strategy with parents of tweens and teens, is the use of a parent-child journal.

It’s a journal that is passed back and forth between you (the parent) and your child. You ask a question, and your child answers it (or vice versa). You can make it yourself, or boy one that is already filled with questions. You can find them themed as mother-daughter journals, mother son journals, father daughter journals, father son journals, and even gender-neutral parent child journals.

Read this blog post to learn more about how to use a shared parent child journal to start sex-ed conversations.

Use the TV

I don’t think there is a kid on this earth who would say no to the opportunity to sit down and watch a TV show or a movie with their parents. There are so many opportunities for potential conversations in TV shows and movies.

This strategy is simple but effective. Sit down, watch TV with them, talk about what happened and what it might mean.

Here’s an example. When my daughter was 12, she wanted to see Amy Schumacher’s film, ‘I Feel Pretty’. It was rated M, and there was a sex scene in it, but we still went. And from that movie, we had many conversations about what happened in that movie. We talked about the fact that she had sex pretty quickly with a guy who she had only just met. We discussed that she felt ‘being pretty’ was the most important thing in the world. We talked about how she changed when she believed she was pretty. And we still talked about it, several months later.

So, an important part of sex education in the home is sitting down and watching the TV or even going to the movies with them. And if you aren’t sure about that particular show or movie, I often look it up on Common Sense Media first to see what they have to say before I will agree.

Read this blog post to learn more about how watching the tv together can start sex-ed conversations.

Use a conversational tone

It’s important to keep the conversation casual.

No one enjoys a lecture (adults included).

You don’t want to sound as if you are giving your child a lecture. As soon as that happens, they are immediately going to stop listening!

So, keep the conversations short and frequent. 3 to 4 short conversations are much better than one long conversation.

And talk as if you’re making plans for the weekend or deciding what’s for dinner!

Try something new

Some strategies will work, and some won’t.

And just because something worked in the past doesn’t mean that it will keep on working. And vice versa.

The main thing to remember is…

If what you’re doing doesn’t work, then try something different.

Summary

When talking to resistant kids about sex, don’t give up. Sometimes you have to try something a few times before you know if it works!

The trick is to use a few different strategies to keep sounding like it is everyday stuff you’re talking about.

And remember, it isn’t necessarily what you are saying, but the fact that you’re open to talking is important. Your child needs to know that you’re open to talking about sex stuff. And by talking, you are allowing them to come and speak with you anytime!

And don’t forget to talk about your values and beliefs, e.g. don’t just talk about sex but also how you feel about when first sex should happen.

And if you’ve never spoken about sex stuff before, just start slowly – the more you talk, the easier it gets.

The most important thing, though, with sex education for teenagers, is just to keep on talking – as they are listening!

Happy talking!
❤️ Cath

More sex education resources